Tuesday Top Ten!: Special Abbis Cadabbis Edition

As most of you reading this blog already know, Miss Alanny, as she likes to call herself these days, does not have the most gentle personality. (And I say that most of you already know this because it appears she’s failed to pull in any readers outside of her high school facebook friends) Therefore, for my guest top ten list I thought there would be no more appropriate time to let her know how I feel about her abrasive ways. Plus, un-like the owner of this blog spot...I like to give her readers what they want, and I know that all of you would like to get a few issues you have with Miss Alanny off your chest as much as I would. So...feel free to post comments of agreement.

1.  "Your mom" jokes. Miss Alanny still uses these jokes generously. One minute we’re having a, what I would call, adult discussion in which I make a valid point or argument, and the next thing I know I’m responded to with a "your mom" joke. This goes on despite how many times I tell her that I don’t care if she is humping my mom. The worst part is that she is utterly entertained by her "your mom" jokes and I’m sure she thinks that the world would be entertained by them as well if she could just reach the masses.

2.  She’s so smart. So, 99% of my communication with Miss Alanna is done via email, and there is nothing that Miss Alanny loves more than to point out my misuse of the trio there, their, they’re. I’m no dummy. I know when each is used, however they DO all SOUND the same and if I’m typing a quick email to a friend...who gives a hoot. However, I’m more than willing to admit when my English is not correct, and I will not hold it against some who points it out... if that someone is a serious stickler of the English language. When I get on this same persons blog site though and see them typing phrases like "Fo sho, Holla!" it makes me think that that person does not REALLY care about the English language. That person is just an ass.
 
3. What is with her and Hamlet? OK this is a serious question. Can anyone answer this for me because I just don’t get it. This chick is annoyed by basically every person on the planet. But a pug that pisses on her clothes, bed, floor, etc , AND her friends’ clothes, beds, floors, etc. she can’t find a flaw with. This was her reaction to Hamlet pissing all over the place when they moved into her new apartment... "I think he’s going through some emotional turmoil, so I can’t be upset with him".  I gaurantee though that if I went through some traumatic episode and went to Miss Alanny for someone to talk to and pissed on her floor while I was there she would not be so understanding. Also, she thinks everyone is as infatuated with Hamlet as herself. The last time she was at my house I’m pretty sure that almost the entire length of her visit was spent talking about expressing Hamlet’s anal glands, whatever that means.

4. Being Miss Alanny’s friend takes work. I was not kidding when I mentioned that Miss Alanny is annoyed by nearly every person on the planet. Be prepared to learn how to be as unannoying as possible if you want to maintain your friendship. This may involve doing some research so set some time aside. I would suggest one or two etiquette books, maybe a class, "Friendship for Dummies"  perhaps. Don’t worry though, in my experience she does forgive an occasional (what she would consider) lack of basic consideration. However, her forgiveness does not come easy. She will let you know that you have done something that you need to be forgiven for. Be prepared.

5. Everything is an event with Miss Alanny. Has anyone else noticed this? Halloween in not just a night out at a bar. It’s months of costume prep and planning. Her 28th birthday is not just a casual get together. (28th is not a milestone by the way) It’s a night out of town in a hotel, with goodie bags, decorations, dinner, and dancing. Going out on a weekend requires a formal invitation sent a month in advance. I really want to tell her to relax already, but I’m afraid. (refer to #4)

6. I should have put this after #4, but who cares. OK, just because you are trying your best not to violate any of the friendship policies that you’ve done your due diligence to learn, do NOT expect Miss Alanny to refrain from telling you that you dress like a destitute lesbian gym teacher. Dressing like a lesbian gym teacher is just my lot in life. Maybe you’re lot is being a shy gay person, maybe you’re a loud mouthed missionary, maybe you’re just a republican, the point is she will make fun of you for it. The difference in her mind though, or the reason she’s not a total B for doing it is because she’s funny, and people should understand her sense of humor.

7. She needs to get off my kid. I know Miss Alanny has other readers with small children. Are any of them below the age of two and still in diapers? If so, does she give you and them a hard time about them pooping their pants, or does she just have unusually high standards for my kid. I mean, if the latter is the case, and it’s just my daughter, I’ll take it off the list. If that’s the case it is somewhat understanding to expect great things from kids who come from great parents. If she’s doing this to all our children though it’s just not right. Miss Alanny, stop harassing infants and toddlers and thier parents to make yourself feel better about being unsuccessful at housebreaking your precious pug.

8. When talking to Miss Alanny about my top ten list she suggested I use how she "doesn’t manage money well at all" as a topic on my list. To me that is a very big understatement. In her defense she doesn’t seem to have very good luck, which coupled with her poor money management skills, obviously doesn’t help. Regardless, Miss Alanny is the kind of person who will have $7 left to her name and spend $6.50 of it on a raincoat for her dog.

9.  Within the last year Miss Alanny has turned into one of those stupid whiny girls pining over some dumbass loser who doesn’t deserve for anyone to even think twice about them to begin with.  I don’t even mind listening to all the details of someone’s doomed relationship, but it’s super annoying giving someone advice when you know that they’re just going to do what they want to do anyway.  In the case of a failing relationship its obviously never the smart thing that that someone wants to do.  Miss Alanny,  you convinced us all for a long time that you were smarter than this.  You lied.  You are not.

10.  Miss Alanny is a slob.  I don’t feel any reservations saying this, nor do I feel bad since it is a self proclaimed problem on her part.  I don’t really have much more to say on this one.  Miss Alanny, you are a slob.  Boom roasted.


THANKS FOR WRITING, ABBIS.  I'm typing in all caps because someone told me once to do that when I'm being sarcastic in writing, so it would be more easily distinguished as such.  I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS, THOUGH - thanks :)


Administrator's Notes:
1.  A good joke never dies.
2.  You mess up your/you're far more often than that "trio."  (Refer to #6)
3.  Dogs > People.  But, I wouldn't say I'm "annoyed" with people... "appalled" by people is more accurate.
4.  If I didn't have standards, it wouldn't mean so much to you that we're friends.  True story... it could probably be found in one of those books you mention.
5.  My 28th birthday party was the first birthday party I'd had in 7 years... milestone or not, I figured I would give my gift of fabulous party planning to myself.  And to my friends.  And it was NOT a bad time, now was it?
6.   I don't care if you're a lesbian, but there is no excuse to dress like a gym teacher.  Even if you are a gym teacher.  I don't make a habit of making fun of those people you mention either... at least not for those reasons.  You think I don't feel for someone who's lot is life is to be a Republican?  I have a soul, Abbis.... some of my best friends are Republican ;)
7.  He IS precious, isn't he?
8.  Valid.
9.  Trying something new... shits and giggles... Okay, I've never been as immune to boys as I try to be, which Abbis KNOWS, but I'm too old now to try to convince someone who is BEGGING for details that I'm above it all.  I don't really want this one in here.  But, I promised no editing to my guest bloggers, AND freaking Abbis sent this to me at 9:30pm, so...
10.  Never would claim otherwise... but wtf is "boom roasted"??

* They were legit... and not 2 legit 2 quit.