So when Miss Alanny agreed to let me write Fist Pump Friday, I don’t think she knew what she was getting herself into. I may be the only person to watch MORE tragic programming than said blog owner. I kept myself busy this week...
Keeping Up with the Kardashians
America's favorite Armenian Whorehouse is opened again for business! In true Kardashian fashion, Kim declares that she has broken up with Reggie AGAIN, and Kourtney is still "working on things" with that loser of a baby daddy, Scott. Since the gals are more mature now, their new weapon of choice is words and accusing each other of having "negative energy" and of being unfit to be around, instead of good old fashioned name calling and hair pulling. Pimp Momma Kris (pimping out Kardashians since 1979, according to her business card) is still selling her children for money, but seems to be losing ground to Khloe, since Rob and Kourtney are now livin' la Vida Odom. Kim also tries to get away from Kris the Pimp when she buys her own house, but Kris invites over a bunch of people and they trash Kim's new pad. Sorry Kim, that's what you get from moving out of Momma's! Pay Up!
It’s ok though cuz Kris taught Kim a thing or two about pimping out your friends. Kim is executive producing...
The Spin Crowd
It's a show about a PR Firm run by her friend Jonathan. I gave it a spin. It's kind of a Kell on Earth-Lite, with less anger and more bitchiness. Jonathan calls his spritely protégé' homely and forces her to get lip injections. She is not enough of a Muppet mouth for his liking. I was under the impression that this behavior was outlawed in the 60's after all of the over-the-shoulder-boulder holder-burnings, but apparently the women’s lib movement didn’t stick in the P.R. world. Anyway, it is abundantly clear that homely in Ohio is much different than homely in Los Angeles. I would GLADLY be called homely if it meant that I rocked beautiful long flowing hair and wore a size 2. Not that Jonathan has much room to talk. He is the spitting image of a cabbage patch kid, and is, according to his business partner, the face of skinny fat. Jonathan goes to a fat melting appointment where the fat is allegedly frozen then vacuumed, trés interessant, but it just looked painful and rash inducing.
And speaking of things that itch, I caught...
The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Finale
Although I was excited to see Caroline put crazy eyed-Danielle in her place, this finale was NOTHING compared to the table-flipping, prostitution-whore name-calling of last season. Danielle STILL claims that she is a victim, as much as the neighborhood broom-riding, cauldron-stirring beyotch CAN be I guess, and declares that she "doesn't think how crazy thinks." In order to stay grounded she consults her energist before rounding up her goons and ex-cons (with guns) to meet little 5-foot-nothing Caroline in a well lit public restaurant. Danielle is clearly a wack job. She will, in fact cut-a-bitch, or at the very least, pistol whip them. THE SHOWDOWN is all Huff and No Puff when they finally meet because Danielle falls victim to amnesia and can't remember any of her evil plotting. I was hoping for another good Jersey chase scene, but Caroline is too composed for that. She settles for calling Danielle a clown and a piece of garbage and Danielle runs away.
Pretty boring for a finale but the reunion promises some...
Flipping Out
I loves me some Jeff Lewis. This week Jeff decided to save a buck or two by collecting human pee from his employees to line the perimeter of his property to ward off coyotes, since mountain lion pee is just too pricey these days. Now most people that I know of in search of human pee are only looking for a clean sample to trick their parole officer, but since Jeff is neither a paroleé nor applying to work for one of the red states, his minions hand over the goods willingly. Old Wile E. is immune to the human pee trick though and sneaks onto the property, Acme truck and all. Jeff picks up a new client, Barb, a very special lady who may, on occasion, pee herself. She’s one of those ladies who should PROBABLY be under lock and key, but since it's California, she is allowed to roam free. Loco Barb is about 70 years old has hired Jeff to help her re-vamp her awful kitchen in the newest wood fashions. Barb really likes wood. She can't get enough wood. Lots of wood. Dark wood. Hard dark wood. She has no interest in any of that white wood crap that is so popular today. And she flaunts this in front of her poor husband. Shame on you Barb.
When it comes to no shame, there’s my favorite hour long advertisement...
Top Chef
Toyotas and Whole Foods and Calphalon, OH MY! Bravo refuses to accept my "no commercial" policy that I adopted when I brought home Steevo-the-tivo and has turned Top Chef into a one hour product pusher. Even though Dial Nutriskin has absolutely NOTHING to do with cooking, those Mad Men at Bravo have managed to incorporate body soap into a foodie show like it’s a cauliflower foam. Touché' Bravo. The texture is nice but the taste is a little too salty for my liking. Tommy C. is looking mighty fine in a lumberjack-chic plaid flannel get up. And the baseball players aren't too bad looking either. They sensually feed each other from skewers in a homo-eroticism that is typically reserved for behind the locker room doors. H-O-T-T, HOT! Annoying Amanda finally got canned. She seems like one of those girls who would blow your boyfriend just for kicks and think nothing of it. I'm glad she's gone. She needed to be drop kicked into the Potomac.
Project Runway
The misfits of the Chantilly lace team managed to pull through a Military inspired victory even though Casanova should have been flogged for sporting a man cleavage-meets-Aladdin-meets-Hans Christian Anderson look. Old Casy had a dramatic diva moment and cried on the couches, but he popped a Prozac and pulled out the win. Self-important Gretchen led Luxe, better known as Sux, in the menswear-meets-camel-toe inspired line. The leftovers from some grandmother's 1976 closet left Sux the losers, and though Gretchen summoned César Chávez and cried "Union!", Kors saw right through it and called her on her bullshit. In the end, Tim Gunn verbally bitch slapped the Sux team for, well, sucking, in jaw dropping eloquence that can only be delivered by Tim Gunn. Oh and A.J. got auf'd.
Jersey Shore
Now I have to admit that I have never watched a full episode of this classic T.V. Masterpiece, but since the fist bump friday is centered around the show, it seemed wrong to miss out. JWOWW played with her own jugs for a while and Snooki tried to explain the logistics of gay to her B.F. Oh wait make that ex B.F. Poor Snooks. But everyone is sympathetic, especially since that is the word of the day, and a big one at that. Snooki burns the pics of the ex and manages not to catch her hair on fire, which is, in my opinion, a big win for her. The boys, who I cannot tell apart, hook up with some questionable ladies, then GTL. I am still a little unclear on why laundry is a conversation piece. It’s what I claim to be doing when I want to get out of something. True story. So the boys, who I STILL cannot tell apart, make dinner and yell at Angelina for being a messy sloppy pig. Snooks and JWOWW plant a note, printed, from a real computer, in Sammi’s drawer. Sammi finds that mystery note from "anonymous" and learns of Ronnie’s indiscretions. Chaos ensues and Sammi and Ronnie break up. Five seconds later, Ronnie has unearthed his phonebook and is calling another chick. Keepin’ it classy Miami!
I am a little pissed at MTV for depriving me of Teen Mom this week, but there’s always next week!
Administrator's Notes:
First of all, this is very witty and quite well written, and I really want to thank SASsafras for taking her time to complete it. She sent it to me at like, 3:30am, and staying up that late to work on something just for the glory of entertaining my readers is serious dedication to funniness... hats off to SAS. And, bravo! Speaking of Bravo...
I also loves me some Jeff Lewis! And Jenny! I have no interest in California Real Estate/House Flipping, but I find these people fairly awesome. You are dead on about Top Chef being insane with the product placement... it's almost like one of those fake commercials on SNL. I'm not with you in your lust for Tom (yikes), BUT - Amanda is one of the most toxic things I've ever seen on reality tv. She would not only blow your boyfriend, but she get really defensive if you tried to fault her for it... it fell into her mouth, okay?! As far as Housewives: New Jersey, I think Danielle is a cartoon... well, they all sort of are, but Caroline and Teresa are caricatures of fabulous mafia wives, and Danielle is just some 50 year old idiot who thinks she's not as ugly or trashy as she is. She clearly thinks her character is a "cougar" and a "hardass bitch" and whatever, but she's apparently not in on her storyline, because homely girl is as pathetic as those nasty hobags on Bad Girls Club and Rock of Love and all that crap. I actually wouldn't be surprised if her old ass applied to be on Brett Michael's Love Bus, or whatever. You know who I hate more than both Danielle and Amanda from Top Chef, though?
GRETCHEN. She gets extra hate from me for the following reasons: 1) making my favorite reality show almost unwatchable, 2) insane self-importance + her own hair being a mullet. She is my least favorite PR contestant of all times, surpassing Jeffrey and even that weird old dude that kept saying that making clothes "gets him off" and that the horrible crap he made on the show "turned him on." Thank goodness for Cassanova.... I love him almost enough to make up for her presence... Aladdin clothes and all! Oh, and Tim Gunn, of course. Him calling Gretchen a bully made my heart swell... and then she burst my love cloud with more fake crying. Boooooooo, Gretchen. Please don't win.
I have only one more thing to say: I am addicted to the Kardashians and I've been keeping it on the DL. :( More about this dirty secret of mine to come, some other day.... maybe.
Anyways - thanks again for the super guest blogging, SASsafras!
Miss Alanny proper will be back on Monday with a Crush of the Week from my favorite show of the summer, HUGE on ABC Family! Is anyone watching this? It's about fat camp!
P.S. - The GTL boys are into laundry because it takes serious skill to keep your Ed Hardy t-shirts looking fresh and not faded. And these dudes need a poppin' T for the club, B ;)
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