Top Ten Amusing Things I've Recently Noticed
1. Once you've put in your notice at your job, you really stop caring about wearing shoes that are appropriate, or clothes that match, or deodorant...
2. Some people ooze douchey-ness out of their pores. I mean, sometimes it's just as obvious as skincolor or pregnancy. Even before they start relaying their deep (Fox News) research, you just know. Comes off of them like steam.
3. Diet Dr. K from Kroger tastes eerily similar to regular Dr. K.
4. Older people calling you "sweetie": nice; feels warm and fuzzy. Younger people calling you "sweetie": offensive; feels like my ears are bleeding.
I have theories behind this, of course, but I can't spend time on it now.
5. I might have a Peter Pan syndrome. This has been concluded from several recent bouts of immature behavior, as well as a serious freak out about finding what could possibly be gray (or in my case, white) hairs. Amusing? I don't know.
6. People who work at Speedway gas stations are having WAY more fun at work than I ever have. Locations may vary, but each seems to be employing people who enjoy each other's company quite a bit. Jealous.
7. It was much easier to stalk people on myspace than it is on facebook.
8. A lot of people think music makes you feel better, but I have to say - sometimes listening to a song with the subject matter of a situation similar to one with which I'm currently dealing just makes me feel worse. Either more sad or more stupid or more of a loser or just... more, period, about something I would rather just forget. (yeah, I don't know if this one is "amusing" either...)
9. It only takes 2 weeks to train your body to not crave sugar. I already knew this, but I'm highly amused that I was able to do it. Less amusingly, I can quit smoking for weeks, months, or a year and I never stop craving cigarettes. I'm gross. Oh well... one thing at a time...
10. My tennis instructor says "sweet potato pie" all the time. That's funny.
There will not be an "Ask Miss Alanny" this week, because IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm Movin' Out on Thursday. I'll see you when I see you, and it will be from my swanky new apartment ;)
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Crush of the Week!
Movies often feature a "nice guys finish first" storyline, where some loveable dweeb gets the girl, saves the day, etc. This makes audiences happy because it's what we want to believe. But the dork with the redemptive arc is not causing any heat in your seat (so to speak ;). Bradley Cooper plays the jerk who everyone - the women in the movie and the women in the audience - doesn't want to admit to wanting to nail. Hey, occasionally the Nice Guy I was talking about is actually a guy you want to nail also... I mean, depending on the actor, right? But Bradley Cooper is always treating everyone like crap, cheating on his wife/girlfriend, making sweet love with Michael Ian Black in a tool shed (if you haven't seen Wet Hot American Summer
, you really need to), and so on. And he's inexplicably, yet undeniably, hot while doing it.
. (Terrible movie.) He's married to Jennifer Connolly, but getting busy with Scarlett Johansson. Post-coitus, he was getting dressed and staring at Scarlett and said, all sentimental-like, "I'm just SO into you." And I'm in the audience thinking, "awwwwww... what a sweet thing to say!" HE'S CHEATING ON HIS WIFE, ALANNA! You are gross for thinking he's hot right now. Get a grip, stupid girl!Anyways, the secret is out - I'm into jerkys (and so are you). Congratulations, Bradley Cooper, you're my Crush of the Week for June 27, 2010!
Sunday Bonus Blog: Not So Magic 8 Ball
I'm moving next weekend and packing this weekend. Cleaning out some drawers, I found my Magic 8 Ball. When I was like 8, I went to a friends' birthday sleepover, and someone got her a Magic 8 Ball as a gift. It started some sort of weird obsession with them for me. I've always found it ideal to have one in the house. Sort of like a flashlight or a Bible or something. This particular one I bought in February, because I was having a slumber party and figured it would be needed, and it's actually a pink and purple one called a Magic "Date" Ball. (I for shit sure did NOT pay fifty bucks for it, btw)
I was happy to see the 8 Ball, because I had a question I'd been meaning to ask someone or something with powers to see into the future and/or the minds of others. So, I shook it up and thought real hard about my question.
"I don't know"
I didn't know that was even an option on that stupid triangle thing inside! I feel that giving this response is in breach of contract between Magic 8 Ball and Magic 8 Ball user. I know I can't always get "Absolutely! <3" or "Not a Chance," but "I don't know"?!? Neither do I, 8 Ball, that's why I shook your ass up!
This thing is going in the box marked "crap to put on Ebay."
I was happy to see the 8 Ball, because I had a question I'd been meaning to ask someone or something with powers to see into the future and/or the minds of others. So, I shook it up and thought real hard about my question.
"I don't know"
I didn't know that was even an option on that stupid triangle thing inside! I feel that giving this response is in breach of contract between Magic 8 Ball and Magic 8 Ball user. I know I can't always get "Absolutely! <3" or "Not a Chance," but "I don't know"?!? Neither do I, 8 Ball, that's why I shook your ass up!
This thing is going in the box marked "crap to put on Ebay."
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Ask Miss Alanny!
Dear Miss Alanny,
Why are men such horrible people?
- A Woman Scorned
Dear Scorned,
Thank you for the question. I appreciate the short and (bitter)sweetness this week; it will allow me to answer in the same manner, for which I'm thankful, because I'm not feeling so full of advice and/or insight at the moment, par-tick on this topic. Come to think of it, I'm not sure you're asking why men are horrible people from your point of view, or why (as I'm sure you've observed) I think men are horrible people. Well, either way, the answer is simple: men have the emotional capacity of robots, less empathetic nature than dogs, and they lie... all the time. It's like the language they speak: lying.
I'm guessing that since your name is "A Woman Scorned," unless you're just being cute, you feel me, sista-girlfriend :)
Ask Miss Alanny! Every Thursday PM... send questions to me at facebook.com/alannpants or alannapants@yahoo.com. This website will also have a direct email soon-ish.
Why are men such horrible people?
- A Woman Scorned
Dear Scorned,
Thank you for the question. I appreciate the short and (bitter)sweetness this week; it will allow me to answer in the same manner, for which I'm thankful, because I'm not feeling so full of advice and/or insight at the moment, par-tick on this topic. Come to think of it, I'm not sure you're asking why men are horrible people from your point of view, or why (as I'm sure you've observed) I think men are horrible people. Well, either way, the answer is simple: men have the emotional capacity of robots, less empathetic nature than dogs, and they lie... all the time. It's like the language they speak: lying.
Good Boy!
I'm guessing that since your name is "A Woman Scorned," unless you're just being cute, you feel me, sista-girlfriend :)
Ask Miss Alanny! Every Thursday PM... send questions to me at facebook.com/alannpants or alannapants@yahoo.com. This website will also have a direct email soon-ish.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tuesday Top Ten!
You may or may not know that I currently do not have a phone to use. It sucks.
Top Ten Reasons Not Having a Phone Sucks
1. My car is in the shop. Has been for over a week. I have to call the place everyday from my office to check in, because I keep thinking that maybe, even though I told them specifically to use my work number, they are just calling my cell phone.
2. Last week my new landlord was trying to get a hold of me about picking up the keys, and couldn't. My new roommate called her later and made the arrangements, which is how I found this out. I don't think it is a good look for a landlord when her new tenant doesn't even have a working phone. It makes me look like a scrub. And she probably don't want no scrub.
3. For some stupid reason, I have three primary friends that refuse to get on facebook. They might think I'm dead by now. But, really, the bigger problem here is their refusal to just get the F on facebook, already!
4. This past Sunday was Father's Day. I didn't call my dad. He probably don't want no scrub
, either!
5. How am I supposed to send hateful text messages?? It's not the same to send a message saying "I hope you get hit by a bus" over any other format. I mean, everyone with a phone looks at it at least once an hour. Checking emails or "while you were out" instant messages just doesn't pack the same punch. Speaking of punches, I know someone who could really use one...in the throat.
6. Uhhhh... I quit my job last week. And I couldn't call anyone and tell them about it. Awful.
7. Without a phone to use for breaking plans, it's really easy to get bound to stupid commitments, like spending the night at Bex's house...because she's scared of the dark. And in love with me. (no worries, though - I guarded my carnal treasure)
8. Hello? Sexting??
9. My ringtones are awesome. I miss them.
10. What if I find myself in an emergency?? This stupid rental car I'm driving has something hanging halfway off under the front end, so that's not a good sign, not to mention that I could always blow a tire or get rear-ended, or hit a deer, or fall asleep at the wheel and hit a house! That last one is a joke. I'm an excellent driver and that would never happen. BUT - I have some sort of car curse on me this year, clearly, and if there is any ONE reason for having a cell phone, it is emergency situations.
Geez! Sucks, people, I'm telling you!
Top Ten Reasons Not Having a Phone Sucks
1. My car is in the shop. Has been for over a week. I have to call the place everyday from my office to check in, because I keep thinking that maybe, even though I told them specifically to use my work number, they are just calling my cell phone.
2. Last week my new landlord was trying to get a hold of me about picking up the keys, and couldn't. My new roommate called her later and made the arrangements, which is how I found this out. I don't think it is a good look for a landlord when her new tenant doesn't even have a working phone. It makes me look like a scrub. And she probably don't want no scrub.
3. For some stupid reason, I have three primary friends that refuse to get on facebook. They might think I'm dead by now. But, really, the bigger problem here is their refusal to just get the F on facebook, already!
4. This past Sunday was Father's Day. I didn't call my dad. He probably don't want no scrub
, either! 5. How am I supposed to send hateful text messages?? It's not the same to send a message saying "I hope you get hit by a bus" over any other format. I mean, everyone with a phone looks at it at least once an hour. Checking emails or "while you were out" instant messages just doesn't pack the same punch. Speaking of punches, I know someone who could really use one...in the throat.
6. Uhhhh... I quit my job last week. And I couldn't call anyone and tell them about it. Awful.
7. Without a phone to use for breaking plans, it's really easy to get bound to stupid commitments, like spending the night at Bex's house...because she's scared of the dark. And in love with me. (no worries, though - I guarded my carnal treasure)
8. Hello? Sexting??
9. My ringtones are awesome. I miss them.
10. What if I find myself in an emergency?? This stupid rental car I'm driving has something hanging halfway off under the front end, so that's not a good sign, not to mention that I could always blow a tire or get rear-ended, or hit a deer, or fall asleep at the wheel and hit a house! That last one is a joke. I'm an excellent driver and that would never happen. BUT - I have some sort of car curse on me this year, clearly, and if there is any ONE reason for having a cell phone, it is emergency situations.
Geez! Sucks, people, I'm telling you!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Crush of the Week!
Most weeks I try to avoid the super obvious choices, and I know you're all aware that I have a Crush of the Lifetime on this week's choice, but it just so happens that whenever I take a little trip down NKOTB lane, I just can't find any celebrities past or present attractive in the wake of one Joseph Mulrey McIntyre (herein referred to as Joe Mac, for brevity).
My homegirl Bex and I had a sleepover on Saturday, and we watched the DVD, New Kids on the Block: Coming Home. The concert footage was from a tour that we saw, in Columbus in April 2009. It was basically the Greatest Show on Earth, if you were wondering.
Anywho, Joe Mac - you are my Crush of the Week for the week of June 21, 2010. And forever and ever and ever.
I'm sure you remember the day we met. Obviously, I do also, Joe Mac. Your eyes up close look like a tiny little painting! And you're really a very small, tiny, bit-bit, miniature, little person! And I love you!
Some people have wedding pictures on their mantle. Now that I will have a mantle (less than two weeks now!), I am going to get a giant print of this and frame it:
This one is much less flattering (above), but I love that I look like I'm so happy I could just french everyone. Also, Chrissy looks crazy. She wasn't even excited to meet him, really. I think she just loves photos.
Although, I now remember Joe Mac saying "nice to meet you guys" and Chrissy saying "nice to meet you, too!"... so I guess she was into it. I think I just choked on my internal tears when he said that. I was having a bit of a moment. I mean, where do I go from here
?
Congratulations, Joe! You're my Pop-sic-le... from the very first time I met you, you cap-tured me, yeah....
My homegirl Bex and I had a sleepover on Saturday, and we watched the DVD, New Kids on the Block: Coming Home. The concert footage was from a tour that we saw, in Columbus in April 2009. It was basically the Greatest Show on Earth, if you were wondering.
I'm sure you remember the day we met. Obviously, I do also, Joe Mac. Your eyes up close look like a tiny little painting! And you're really a very small, tiny, bit-bit, miniature, little person! And I love you!
Some people have wedding pictures on their mantle. Now that I will have a mantle (less than two weeks now!), I am going to get a giant print of this and frame it:
Although, I now remember Joe Mac saying "nice to meet you guys" and Chrissy saying "nice to meet you, too!"... so I guess she was into it. I think I just choked on my internal tears when he said that. I was having a bit of a moment. I mean, where do I go from here
?Congratulations, Joe! You're my Pop-sic-le... from the very first time I met you, you cap-tured me, yeah....
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Ask Miss Alanny!
Dear Miss Alanny,
I joined an online dating service and it is going pretty well so far. I recently began communicating with a great guy. We have been talking and texting for a little over 3 weeks. He lives 2 1/2 hours away, but we both agree to make that work as best as we can. Yesterday, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We have not met in person yet. I really really like him and enjoy talking to him everyday.
Is it odd to be "dating" someone whom you've never met?
Thanks,
Internet Dater
Dear Dater,
Thank you for sending in your question. I have to take a moment, first, to make a confession: I too have been part of the "internet dating" club. While my experience was pretty much horrible, I am going to try to look at your question from an understanding, yet unbiased point of view.
.... yeah, sorry. I can't. Unfortunately, I've done the research, and I conclude that there are only (and I mean ONLY) two types of guys who use online dating sites: 1. socially inept guys who haven't been in the same room with a female (non-relative) since high school, and 2. guys who want to bang as many girls as possible and have found this forum to use as a catalyst in doing so. It may be too early to tell which bag this dude you're online flinging falls into, but asking you to be his girlfriend before you've met IRL? That's a big sign pointing to #1. Cause #2 doesn't like the word "girlfriend." It's a GOOD sign that you enjoy talking to him, though, and if there truly is someone out there for everyone (there isn't), then maybe this just means that you are a bit of a social ra-tard yourself, and you've finally found the love of a lifetime. Isn't that what everyone wants? To just have some sort of connection that you can hold onto when convincing yourself that all of your poor decision making isn't really all that bad? Well, I guess what everyone really wants is to stop questioning the decisions because you feel sure and safe and all that crap. But, that's just not realistic. I mean, you could feel those things, but you shouldn't. You're never safe and you should NEVER feel sure. I'm so sorry. Not just for you, but for me, too.
In all seriousness, dear reader/question writer and anyone else who is in an internet relationship, it is sort of odd to consider yourself in a relationship with someone you haven't met. BUT, that's just MY opinion. Some people might find the fact that you've only been talking for 3 weeks more alarming, but I personally have a habit of jumping right in (and usually right back out) in that amount of time. I've done plenty of things in the name of some sort of boy/girl sitch that at least 90% of the people reading would find odd, if not disturbing and/or disgusting. Men are difficult and often horrible people, and whenever I have let my cold black heart melt a bit for one of them, I later feel like a total moron and consider jumping in the Ohio River to rid the world of such an idiot. But, if it IS true that there is someone out there for everyone... okay, I still think there isn't, but I'm human and of course I will make similar mistakes again. Admitting that makes me want to die and I'm dead serious about that.
Ask Miss Alanny! Every Thursday, sometime before midnight :)
P.S. - Miss Alanny is DONE with internet dating, and you can take that shit to the bank. Whatever that means.
I joined an online dating service and it is going pretty well so far. I recently began communicating with a great guy. We have been talking and texting for a little over 3 weeks. He lives 2 1/2 hours away, but we both agree to make that work as best as we can. Yesterday, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We have not met in person yet. I really really like him and enjoy talking to him everyday.
Is it odd to be "dating" someone whom you've never met?
Thanks,
Internet Dater
Dear Dater,
Thank you for sending in your question. I have to take a moment, first, to make a confession: I too have been part of the "internet dating" club. While my experience was pretty much horrible, I am going to try to look at your question from an understanding, yet unbiased point of view.
.... yeah, sorry. I can't. Unfortunately, I've done the research, and I conclude that there are only (and I mean ONLY) two types of guys who use online dating sites: 1. socially inept guys who haven't been in the same room with a female (non-relative) since high school, and 2. guys who want to bang as many girls as possible and have found this forum to use as a catalyst in doing so. It may be too early to tell which bag this dude you're online flinging falls into, but asking you to be his girlfriend before you've met IRL? That's a big sign pointing to #1. Cause #2 doesn't like the word "girlfriend." It's a GOOD sign that you enjoy talking to him, though, and if there truly is someone out there for everyone (there isn't), then maybe this just means that you are a bit of a social ra-tard yourself, and you've finally found the love of a lifetime. Isn't that what everyone wants? To just have some sort of connection that you can hold onto when convincing yourself that all of your poor decision making isn't really all that bad? Well, I guess what everyone really wants is to stop questioning the decisions because you feel sure and safe and all that crap. But, that's just not realistic. I mean, you could feel those things, but you shouldn't. You're never safe and you should NEVER feel sure. I'm so sorry. Not just for you, but for me, too.
In all seriousness, dear reader/question writer and anyone else who is in an internet relationship, it is sort of odd to consider yourself in a relationship with someone you haven't met. BUT, that's just MY opinion. Some people might find the fact that you've only been talking for 3 weeks more alarming, but I personally have a habit of jumping right in (and usually right back out) in that amount of time. I've done plenty of things in the name of some sort of boy/girl sitch that at least 90% of the people reading would find odd, if not disturbing and/or disgusting. Men are difficult and often horrible people, and whenever I have let my cold black heart melt a bit for one of them, I later feel like a total moron and consider jumping in the Ohio River to rid the world of such an idiot. But, if it IS true that there is someone out there for everyone... okay, I still think there isn't, but I'm human and of course I will make similar mistakes again. Admitting that makes me want to die and I'm dead serious about that.
Ask Miss Alanny! Every Thursday, sometime before midnight :)
P.S. - Miss Alanny is DONE with internet dating, and you can take that shit to the bank. Whatever that means.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Tuesday Top Ten!
Top Ten Ways I Fantasize About Quitting My Job:
1. Locking myself out and everyone else in, sealing up the office, cutting off the phones and internet, and leaving only a day's supply of food. This island of horror would have no survivors. I would consider leaving a video camera, just in case I felt like watching them all turn on each other later, for shits-n-gigs, when it would inevitably be posted on YouTube by whomever finds it.
2. Picking up a drug habit and continuing to go to work daily until my "issue" becomes apparent enough for my co-workers to stage an intervention. During said intervention
, I scream obscenities and tell everyone exactly who I think they are. This is the best time to do this, see, because I can go completely batshit and everyone will assume I'm just "under the influence" and "talking out my ass." Later, when I'm away in rehab, they will talk amongst themselves in varying small groups about what I've said, compare opinions, and realize that it's not just a crazy person's thoughts, it's general consensus. Ha!
3. Going completely MIA for weeks and then later mailing photos I've created of Hamlet eating my jugular... return address: heaven. (so they know I'm dead, see? And I guess I want them to think I was a good person... but I'm throwing Ham under the bus... sorry, muffin!)
4. Tossing a grenade inside, just as I'm safely out the door. Not terribly original to imagine blowing up your place of employment, but I figured you knew I've thought about it, so why not let you know that my choice of firestarter
is a grenade?
5. Getting another job that pays three times as much, and then just quitting like a normal person. I think about that all day and night, everyday. It's a fantasy, so maybe I don't give notice
, though, huh?
6. The Beckham's call the office because they are looking for a new nanny and they're confused and British and thought we were an Au Pair Service
. I take the job...if you didn't gather that...
7. Jude Law calls the office because he is looking for a new nanny
... (the British LOVE THEIR NANNIES ;)
8. My boss sends me on an errand and, while I'm out, I have the type of accident that, while not very painful or anything that would put me in the hospital and away from my dog for any length of time, prevents me from working and also qualifies me for some sort of disability pay for which my boss is entirely responsible. Before I'm able to go back to work, some famous and rich British family with a HOT AS HADES
dad figure calls...
9. I walk out of my door one morning, leaving for work, and some sort of Santa Claus has left a bag full of money on my porch! And I imagine it to be a Santa-style
bag, too, for some reason. So, without even counting it, I call my boss and tell her to fuck a duck. And also that I'm not coming in, today or ever again. If all I said was "fuck a duck," she would just call me back all day until I explained that. But I still want to say it. (I'm a sucker for rhymes and all :)
10. Obviously, and most commonly, I fantasize about just being discovered and becoming famous and fabulous and not needing a stupid office job already, geez! What's the hold up, anyways?
So... does anyone have any suggestions for what I should blog about on Wednesdays now that Glee is on break???
1. Locking myself out and everyone else in, sealing up the office, cutting off the phones and internet, and leaving only a day's supply of food. This island of horror would have no survivors. I would consider leaving a video camera, just in case I felt like watching them all turn on each other later, for shits-n-gigs, when it would inevitably be posted on YouTube by whomever finds it.
2. Picking up a drug habit and continuing to go to work daily until my "issue" becomes apparent enough for my co-workers to stage an intervention. During said intervention
, I scream obscenities and tell everyone exactly who I think they are. This is the best time to do this, see, because I can go completely batshit and everyone will assume I'm just "under the influence" and "talking out my ass." Later, when I'm away in rehab, they will talk amongst themselves in varying small groups about what I've said, compare opinions, and realize that it's not just a crazy person's thoughts, it's general consensus. Ha!3. Going completely MIA for weeks and then later mailing photos I've created of Hamlet eating my jugular... return address: heaven. (so they know I'm dead, see? And I guess I want them to think I was a good person... but I'm throwing Ham under the bus... sorry, muffin!)
4. Tossing a grenade inside, just as I'm safely out the door. Not terribly original to imagine blowing up your place of employment, but I figured you knew I've thought about it, so why not let you know that my choice of firestarter
is a grenade?5. Getting another job that pays three times as much, and then just quitting like a normal person. I think about that all day and night, everyday. It's a fantasy, so maybe I don't give notice
, though, huh?6. The Beckham's call the office because they are looking for a new nanny and they're confused and British and thought we were an Au Pair Service
. I take the job...if you didn't gather that...7. Jude Law calls the office because he is looking for a new nanny
... (the British LOVE THEIR NANNIES ;)8. My boss sends me on an errand and, while I'm out, I have the type of accident that, while not very painful or anything that would put me in the hospital and away from my dog for any length of time, prevents me from working and also qualifies me for some sort of disability pay for which my boss is entirely responsible. Before I'm able to go back to work, some famous and rich British family with a HOT AS HADES
dad figure calls...9. I walk out of my door one morning, leaving for work, and some sort of Santa Claus has left a bag full of money on my porch! And I imagine it to be a Santa-style
bag, too, for some reason. So, without even counting it, I call my boss and tell her to fuck a duck. And also that I'm not coming in, today or ever again. If all I said was "fuck a duck," she would just call me back all day until I explained that. But I still want to say it. (I'm a sucker for rhymes and all :)10. Obviously, and most commonly, I fantasize about just being discovered and becoming famous and fabulous and not needing a stupid office job already, geez! What's the hold up, anyways?
So... does anyone have any suggestions for what I should blog about on Wednesdays now that Glee is on break???
I Was JUST Talking About You!
Remember when I mentioned Giant Jesus the other day? Well, he was in a lightening accident.
As a frequent I-75 traveler, I am going to miss the statue as a landmark and conversation piece. As a person who cares about the environment, I'm a little freaked out about all of the burnt styrofoam we Ohio Valley residents (as well as the Ozone) are inhaling as a result of this thing burning down. I'm leaving my views on the way this church spends its money to your imagination. (Not that it's at all important how I feel about it... and I'm serious. It's your money, Solid Rock, do what you want!)
As a frequent I-75 traveler, I am going to miss the statue as a landmark and conversation piece. As a person who cares about the environment, I'm a little freaked out about all of the burnt styrofoam we Ohio Valley residents (as well as the Ozone) are inhaling as a result of this thing burning down. I'm leaving my views on the way this church spends its money to your imagination. (Not that it's at all important how I feel about it... and I'm serious. It's your money, Solid Rock, do what you want!)
Crush of the Week!
Due to my current overwhelming disgust with all humans, there is no Crush of the Week for the week of June 14, 2010.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday Bonus Blog: Grocery Bag
I don't know about you people, but sometimes I find myself confused by lyrics in songs. Sometimes I can't understand what is being said, and sometimes I can make out the words, but I don't know what those words mean, at least not in the context of the song. A lot of times, it's not even songs I like all that much, and why I care to know what the nonsense means, I can't tell you.
The first step I take when faced with this conundrum, is to look up the lyrics online. I need to be 100% sure of what I'm hearing, even in the cases where the words appear clear, even if the meaning is not. I favor metrolyrics.com, but I recommend looking at 2 or 3 different websites to make sure you have the correct text. AtoZlyrics.com is also decent, but really, unless the actual artist has a website that includes song lyrics, you can never be absolutely sure how accurate what you're reading actually is. So, the best way to come as close as possible to 100% accuracy is to use several sources and compare/go with consensus.
Ok, so now you have the words. If this is all you needed, congrats, you're done. Many times, though, you will look for lyrics hoping to find out that you were mishearing something, and that your confusion will be healed when the true verse is discovered, but it actually was what you thought you heard, and that word/phrase/whatever makes no damn sense. You now have more research to do.
I guess it's time for me to relate this to a real-life example. You know that song "Bedrock"
? Well, I didn't understand why some guy was randomly saying what I was positive I was hearing to be "grocery bag." He is. I had myself convinced that when I looked up the lyrics, if he was in fact saying "grocery bag," it must be a new phrase to mean that you've got something in the bag. With this particular example, I thought I had solved the crime before doing the research! Bold!
A lot of times when this song-lyric-confusion thing happens to me, the song in question is a rap song that I hear on the radio a lot on my way to/from work. I'm not bold enough to think I know what most lyrics in rap songs mean, but if I'm hearing a confusing lyric often, it will get into my brain and drive me nuts until I have answers, dammit! This "Bedrock" one was grating me because I hear it at least once a day, and it's a pop song really, anyways. I shouldn't have to feel so intimidated by this ridiculous song! I know what it means when the girl says "you're pressing me like button downs on a Friday Night" and I know what it means when Drake aka Jimmy Brooks says "I love your sushi roll, hotter than wasabi." When the day comes that Jimmy Brooks is rapping above my head, I will just enter the nursing home of my free will. ANYWAYS, this is all leading to the point when I tell you that the next step is one of my most favorite discoveries of the last ten years... URBANDICTIONARY.COM.
I've looked up many terms from rap songs and black comedians on this amazing website. And the definitions - usually several for each term you look up - rarely fail to be hilarious. Like most words on there, the definitions for "grocery bag" vary from "it means nothing" to "what a poor guy uses for a condom" and more, but there is at least one on there that goes along with my prediction of what it means, which makes me feel like I'm getting so good at my research that I'm basically an "urban slang scholar." It seems like most of the people writing the definitions for "grocery bag" are defining it and meaningless nonsense, which sort of makes me feel like this endeavor was pointless. But, I can't feel like any time spent on urbandictionary.com is a waste. The following is my Top Five Favorite Things I've Looked Up on Urban Dictionary:
1. Pigeon (prob the first thing I ever looked up)
2. Jump Off (like a week ago)
3. Baby Daddy (6 pages of awesome)
4. Nephew (educational)
5. Chickenhead (immediately after the Chappelle's Show episode that gave so many definitions... I needed more, I guess)
This website is not just for when you're confused, people. It's also for when you're bored, or when you feel like something might be a slang term, but you're just not sure and it would be embarrassing to ask a real person (if it IS, it is on there, for sure), or maybe you want to define something you feel everyone should know the REAL meaning of, and you are the expert (maybe you're inventing terms... which now that I think about it, I invent words all the time, why haven't I been recording them in the most important dictionary currently in existence (take that stupid, un-editable-ass Webster and stuck-up-ass Oxford)?? Sometimes my lack of initiative is so infuriating!)
By the way, Missy Elliot is up on my itunes
right now, and she never speaks nonsense! EVERYONE understands her beautiful figurative language... did "go downtown and eat it like a vulcher" send anyone into fits of research? Nope. Missy brings people together, whereas other rappers are always trying to make me feel like an outsider. Booooooooooooooooo
The first step I take when faced with this conundrum, is to look up the lyrics online. I need to be 100% sure of what I'm hearing, even in the cases where the words appear clear, even if the meaning is not. I favor metrolyrics.com, but I recommend looking at 2 or 3 different websites to make sure you have the correct text. AtoZlyrics.com is also decent, but really, unless the actual artist has a website that includes song lyrics, you can never be absolutely sure how accurate what you're reading actually is. So, the best way to come as close as possible to 100% accuracy is to use several sources and compare/go with consensus.
Ok, so now you have the words. If this is all you needed, congrats, you're done. Many times, though, you will look for lyrics hoping to find out that you were mishearing something, and that your confusion will be healed when the true verse is discovered, but it actually was what you thought you heard, and that word/phrase/whatever makes no damn sense. You now have more research to do.
I guess it's time for me to relate this to a real-life example. You know that song "Bedrock"
? Well, I didn't understand why some guy was randomly saying what I was positive I was hearing to be "grocery bag." He is. I had myself convinced that when I looked up the lyrics, if he was in fact saying "grocery bag," it must be a new phrase to mean that you've got something in the bag. With this particular example, I thought I had solved the crime before doing the research! Bold!A lot of times when this song-lyric-confusion thing happens to me, the song in question is a rap song that I hear on the radio a lot on my way to/from work. I'm not bold enough to think I know what most lyrics in rap songs mean, but if I'm hearing a confusing lyric often, it will get into my brain and drive me nuts until I have answers, dammit! This "Bedrock" one was grating me because I hear it at least once a day, and it's a pop song really, anyways. I shouldn't have to feel so intimidated by this ridiculous song! I know what it means when the girl says "you're pressing me like button downs on a Friday Night" and I know what it means when Drake aka Jimmy Brooks says "I love your sushi roll, hotter than wasabi." When the day comes that Jimmy Brooks is rapping above my head, I will just enter the nursing home of my free will. ANYWAYS, this is all leading to the point when I tell you that the next step is one of my most favorite discoveries of the last ten years... URBANDICTIONARY.COM.
I've looked up many terms from rap songs and black comedians on this amazing website. And the definitions - usually several for each term you look up - rarely fail to be hilarious. Like most words on there, the definitions for "grocery bag" vary from "it means nothing" to "what a poor guy uses for a condom" and more, but there is at least one on there that goes along with my prediction of what it means, which makes me feel like I'm getting so good at my research that I'm basically an "urban slang scholar." It seems like most of the people writing the definitions for "grocery bag" are defining it and meaningless nonsense, which sort of makes me feel like this endeavor was pointless. But, I can't feel like any time spent on urbandictionary.com is a waste. The following is my Top Five Favorite Things I've Looked Up on Urban Dictionary:
1. Pigeon (prob the first thing I ever looked up)
2. Jump Off (like a week ago)
3. Baby Daddy (6 pages of awesome)
4. Nephew (educational)
5. Chickenhead (immediately after the Chappelle's Show episode that gave so many definitions... I needed more, I guess)
This website is not just for when you're confused, people. It's also for when you're bored, or when you feel like something might be a slang term, but you're just not sure and it would be embarrassing to ask a real person (if it IS, it is on there, for sure), or maybe you want to define something you feel everyone should know the REAL meaning of, and you are the expert (maybe you're inventing terms... which now that I think about it, I invent words all the time, why haven't I been recording them in the most important dictionary currently in existence (take that stupid, un-editable-ass Webster and stuck-up-ass Oxford)?? Sometimes my lack of initiative is so infuriating!)
By the way, Missy Elliot is up on my itunes
right now, and she never speaks nonsense! EVERYONE understands her beautiful figurative language... did "go downtown and eat it like a vulcher" send anyone into fits of research? Nope. Missy brings people together, whereas other rappers are always trying to make me feel like an outsider. Booooooooooooooooo
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Ask Miss Alanny!
Dear Miss Alanny,
I have just started working out and have lost a couple of pounds and my friends are starting to notice. My best friend is starting to see the FAB side of me and it seems like she is jealous. I am just going to get even more fabulous in time but I know that she will never be genuinely happy for me. She is just crampin my style but I also dont want to lose her as a friend. How do I have this crucial conversation with her about how it makes me feel when she is dissin my fitness!?!?!?!
PLEASE HELP,
Almost Skinny Biotch
Dear Biotch,
Congratulations on your loose pants. Exercise is horrible, so you deserve a pat on the back. It's unfortunate that your BFF is being a brat, but there is good news: when you're skinny, you won't have time for your friends anymore, anyways! Obviously, you will be spending all of your time sunbathing nude on a yacht, and if I were you, I wouldn't want some frumpy girl there to cock block me from all of my new millionaire prospects. You should keep working on your fitness and she can either get over it or get off your boat.
Ask Miss Alanny! Every Thursday. Send questions to me at facebook.com/alannapants or at alannapants@yahoo.com. Oh, you can also send me a direct message on twitter at twitter.com/missalanny. Or maybe you can figure out how to send me direct messages on here. I don't know how.
I have just started working out and have lost a couple of pounds and my friends are starting to notice. My best friend is starting to see the FAB side of me and it seems like she is jealous. I am just going to get even more fabulous in time but I know that she will never be genuinely happy for me. She is just crampin my style but I also dont want to lose her as a friend. How do I have this crucial conversation with her about how it makes me feel when she is dissin my fitness!?!?!?!
PLEASE HELP,
Almost Skinny Biotch
Dear Biotch,
Congratulations on your loose pants. Exercise is horrible, so you deserve a pat on the back. It's unfortunate that your BFF is being a brat, but there is good news: when you're skinny, you won't have time for your friends anymore, anyways! Obviously, you will be spending all of your time sunbathing nude on a yacht, and if I were you, I wouldn't want some frumpy girl there to cock block me from all of my new millionaire prospects. You should keep working on your fitness and she can either get over it or get off your boat.
Ask Miss Alanny! Every Thursday. Send questions to me at facebook.com/alannapants or at alannapants@yahoo.com. Oh, you can also send me a direct message on twitter at twitter.com/missalanny. Or maybe you can figure out how to send me direct messages on here. I don't know how.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Gleekly Weekly - 6/9/2010
Sue Sylvester is a celebrity. Face it, Shuester, she's a legend.
So, Sue is a judge at Regionals, and now Puck and Quinn are conceiving that child. I don't know about Quinn, but for me, it's not a turn on when dudes talk about "doing" my friends. This is all a flashback, though, and Quinn and Puck and everyone else are having a pizza party at someone's house. Awww... Tina is crying! Puck should give her some of his free love.
Shuester's hair looks pretty glorious as he's talking to Emma, who is fabulous in one of her sweater ensembles. Emma has a new boyfriend, and he sounds like a Ken Tenaka-style winner. Good grief, Emma, I don't even find Shue attractive and I realize how much you need to just get on that already.
Finn!!!!!! So super sexy with his little power speech to Rachel, whose hair looks even more glorious than Shue's. Finn and Rachel are back 2-getha, and everything is going to be alright. Journey medley? Could be worse.
Wow, we're at the competish already. Sue's book is called "I'm a Winner, and You're Fat!" Ha! Aural Intensity! Ha!
Backstage, Finn looks so cute when he's sitting there not understanding that they are being sarcastic about his dancing skillz. His hair is all rumpled like he just rolled out of my bed. I mean, of his bed. Any bed, geez, give me a break... OMG!!!!!!!!! Finn loves Rachel!!!!! I swooned a little bit when he said that, for reals.
Faithfully was pretty amazing, particularly Rachel. I just don't think anyone sings as well as she does. (Well, other than Celine, obviously.) I just love Rachel! But not like Finn does, and not like I love Finn.
Okay, so I actually really like this Journey medley idea now that I'm watching it, because they are doing that "loving, touching, squeezing" song that I love and that Finn was singing with that lawn fertilizer guy in the pilot episode, and also because this is kind of like a mash up, which this show obsessed over all season, and it makes sense that it's coming full circle in the finale. Ohhhh... Quinn's mom is in the audience. How very Sister Act 2.
Damn, the crowd is going wild for Don't Stop Believing, sort of like they've been listening to it on their Glee Soundtracks everyday on their way to work for the last six months, just like me ;) I'm so excited about the new parts! I have such a love/hate thing for Santana Lopez, but I love it when she sings because she sounds good and sometimes you need something other than just Rachel or Mercedes, and Tina and Quinn aren't really amazing singers. No offense, Tina and Quinn. I like it when Puck sings, too, but mainly just because he's usually grinding around and that's way hotter than when Finn "dances." Finn is my tv boyfriend, though, so it's okay that he's a bad dancer.
Uh-oh, Quinn's mom has kicked out Quinn's dad. He was cheating with a "tatooed freak"... way to be mooching off the current trends in adultery, Glee. Anyways, Quinn doesn't answer about going home to the now surely less enthusiastically-Rebublican household she was banned from not long ago because, surprising no one who has ever seen a season finale before, she's going into labor.
Oh geez, horrible Jesse is singing Bohemian Rhapsody, and it's just as obnoxious to watch as Vocal Adrenaline always is. Yeah, he can sing and all, but this group makes every song they do sound like a cheesy review. Remember when they ruined Rehab and Mercy? Ugh. Duh, Vocal Adrenaline, if you pick music that is already cheesy, like Journey, you don't seem so lameass. Wise up.
Quinn is at the hospital and apparently the entire Glee club followed her there. Weird. If possible, I would try to avoid being present for the birth of my own children; I would DEF not be following any laborous friends into the baby factory. Poor Mercedes. Word to the wise: don't pick the prego when you're looking for a new BFF.
So, Bohemian Rhapsody is the soundtrack for Quinn's labor, and it's kinda clever but it's all taking forever and making me dizzy. Births are not for me. I'll be back when it's out and cleaned off. And hopefully when Jesse is no longer here.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I think Rachel skipped going to the hospital to spy on Jesse and VA. Smart move, soul sista. Quinn had a three month old baby. She looks pretty after her 10 minute labor.
Rachel wants her mother to come to teach at McKinley, but Shelby aka Rachel's mom aka Idina Menzel is so over glee clubs, guys. And she's just heard about an available baby, fresh out of the oven.
This Rod Remington person is hilarious. I wish he was an actual Lima celebrity. Josh Groban is ten kinds of awful, music-wise, but he is funny on this show. Hey, I thought Olivia Newton-John and Sue Sylvester were buddies... what is going on here?!? They aren't calling out Rod for living in Ohio! She has a point about brunettes having no place in show business, though ;)
As Artie says, they "didn't even place." I'm so sad right now. OMG, Shelby really is going to take Quinn's baby! Jessie Paxon you are a television intuitive!
Everyone is in love now! Will loves Emma, and dammit, she loves him too! Some things are worth fighting for! Dammit, Emma! I love your outfits! Hey, everyone is on stage talking, including the mutes, and Kurt is wearing a sailor hat. Oh, Finn... why do you keep doing this to me, with your bed head and your awkwardness and your cute crush on Mr. Shue... I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO TEENAGE BOYS!! FINN IS MY AGE IN REAL LIFE...JUST FYI. In fact, in real life, Finn and Mr. Shue are like the same age. But only one of them looks like an old man ;)
To thank Mr. Shue, they sing To Sir, With Love. This is sweet. I'm not going to say anything negative about this song or this part of the show. My favorite was Kurt and Mercedes holding hands. Sue was watching from the back of the auditorium, and it sort of looked like she was crying a bit, but she couldn't have been, cause she had her tear ducts removed earlier in the year, remember?
So Sue gets the Glee club another year, which makes sense because Sue is All Powerful, and also because it had to happen in some way or another. And then - something terrible happens: the show closes on Shue busting out his ukelele and singing that God-Awful Over the Rainbow cover that some Hawaiian dude made semi-famous. Over at the hospital, Shelby adopts Quinn's baby, and here at the school, everyone makes eyes at each other, and Shue and Puck sing us out of the first season of the greatest show on earth. See you in the fall?
So, Sue is a judge at Regionals, and now Puck and Quinn are conceiving that child. I don't know about Quinn, but for me, it's not a turn on when dudes talk about "doing" my friends. This is all a flashback, though, and Quinn and Puck and everyone else are having a pizza party at someone's house. Awww... Tina is crying! Puck should give her some of his free love.
Shuester's hair looks pretty glorious as he's talking to Emma, who is fabulous in one of her sweater ensembles. Emma has a new boyfriend, and he sounds like a Ken Tenaka-style winner. Good grief, Emma, I don't even find Shue attractive and I realize how much you need to just get on that already.
Finn!!!!!! So super sexy with his little power speech to Rachel, whose hair looks even more glorious than Shue's. Finn and Rachel are back 2-getha, and everything is going to be alright. Journey medley? Could be worse.
Wow, we're at the competish already. Sue's book is called "I'm a Winner, and You're Fat!" Ha! Aural Intensity! Ha!
Backstage, Finn looks so cute when he's sitting there not understanding that they are being sarcastic about his dancing skillz. His hair is all rumpled like he just rolled out of my bed. I mean, of his bed. Any bed, geez, give me a break... OMG!!!!!!!!! Finn loves Rachel!!!!! I swooned a little bit when he said that, for reals.
Faithfully was pretty amazing, particularly Rachel. I just don't think anyone sings as well as she does. (Well, other than Celine, obviously.) I just love Rachel! But not like Finn does, and not like I love Finn.
Okay, so I actually really like this Journey medley idea now that I'm watching it, because they are doing that "loving, touching, squeezing" song that I love and that Finn was singing with that lawn fertilizer guy in the pilot episode, and also because this is kind of like a mash up, which this show obsessed over all season, and it makes sense that it's coming full circle in the finale. Ohhhh... Quinn's mom is in the audience. How very Sister Act 2.
Damn, the crowd is going wild for Don't Stop Believing, sort of like they've been listening to it on their Glee Soundtracks everyday on their way to work for the last six months, just like me ;) I'm so excited about the new parts! I have such a love/hate thing for Santana Lopez, but I love it when she sings because she sounds good and sometimes you need something other than just Rachel or Mercedes, and Tina and Quinn aren't really amazing singers. No offense, Tina and Quinn. I like it when Puck sings, too, but mainly just because he's usually grinding around and that's way hotter than when Finn "dances." Finn is my tv boyfriend, though, so it's okay that he's a bad dancer.
Uh-oh, Quinn's mom has kicked out Quinn's dad. He was cheating with a "tatooed freak"... way to be mooching off the current trends in adultery, Glee. Anyways, Quinn doesn't answer about going home to the now surely less enthusiastically-Rebublican household she was banned from not long ago because, surprising no one who has ever seen a season finale before, she's going into labor.
Oh geez, horrible Jesse is singing Bohemian Rhapsody, and it's just as obnoxious to watch as Vocal Adrenaline always is. Yeah, he can sing and all, but this group makes every song they do sound like a cheesy review. Remember when they ruined Rehab and Mercy? Ugh. Duh, Vocal Adrenaline, if you pick music that is already cheesy, like Journey, you don't seem so lameass. Wise up.
Quinn is at the hospital and apparently the entire Glee club followed her there. Weird. If possible, I would try to avoid being present for the birth of my own children; I would DEF not be following any laborous friends into the baby factory. Poor Mercedes. Word to the wise: don't pick the prego when you're looking for a new BFF.
So, Bohemian Rhapsody is the soundtrack for Quinn's labor, and it's kinda clever but it's all taking forever and making me dizzy. Births are not for me. I'll be back when it's out and cleaned off. And hopefully when Jesse is no longer here.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I think Rachel skipped going to the hospital to spy on Jesse and VA. Smart move, soul sista. Quinn had a three month old baby. She looks pretty after her 10 minute labor.
Rachel wants her mother to come to teach at McKinley, but Shelby aka Rachel's mom aka Idina Menzel is so over glee clubs, guys. And she's just heard about an available baby, fresh out of the oven.
This Rod Remington person is hilarious. I wish he was an actual Lima celebrity. Josh Groban is ten kinds of awful, music-wise, but he is funny on this show. Hey, I thought Olivia Newton-John and Sue Sylvester were buddies... what is going on here?!? They aren't calling out Rod for living in Ohio! She has a point about brunettes having no place in show business, though ;)
As Artie says, they "didn't even place." I'm so sad right now. OMG, Shelby really is going to take Quinn's baby! Jessie Paxon you are a television intuitive!
Everyone is in love now! Will loves Emma, and dammit, she loves him too! Some things are worth fighting for! Dammit, Emma! I love your outfits! Hey, everyone is on stage talking, including the mutes, and Kurt is wearing a sailor hat. Oh, Finn... why do you keep doing this to me, with your bed head and your awkwardness and your cute crush on Mr. Shue... I AM NOT ATTRACTED TO TEENAGE BOYS!! FINN IS MY AGE IN REAL LIFE...JUST FYI. In fact, in real life, Finn and Mr. Shue are like the same age. But only one of them looks like an old man ;)
To thank Mr. Shue, they sing To Sir, With Love. This is sweet. I'm not going to say anything negative about this song or this part of the show. My favorite was Kurt and Mercedes holding hands. Sue was watching from the back of the auditorium, and it sort of looked like she was crying a bit, but she couldn't have been, cause she had her tear ducts removed earlier in the year, remember?
So Sue gets the Glee club another year, which makes sense because Sue is All Powerful, and also because it had to happen in some way or another. And then - something terrible happens: the show closes on Shue busting out his ukelele and singing that God-Awful Over the Rainbow cover that some Hawaiian dude made semi-famous. Over at the hospital, Shelby adopts Quinn's baby, and here at the school, everyone makes eyes at each other, and Shue and Puck sing us out of the first season of the greatest show on earth. See you in the fall?
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tuesday Top Ten!
Today, my mother left Lima with my grandpa, moving him to Florida to live with her. It's good thing, but for those of you who live and love in Lima, Ohio, I have to say, as more of my family gets the F out of that place, the less likely I am to spend time there. I know this hurts your heart, and I'm sorry. Sure, the majority of my family is still there, but these wonderful advances in technology have made it so not essential to see people face-to-face anymore. I mean, my brain will download an updated image of you once a year when I see you at Christmas, and in the months in between, we will keep in touch via facebook, yahoo IM, and in the event of an emergency of some sort, you can call me after 9pm or on weekends.
To summarize: I've been home for family stuff like 50% of weekends so far this year, and now that my grandpa will be in Florida, my time in the Big L will decrease by about 95%. I'm no math wiz, and I don't know why I started throwing out these baseless percentages, but basically I'm coming home for major holidays, maybe, and crisis only.
However, Lima holds a special little spot in my soul, and I have made a list of the Top Ten Things I Love And Miss About Lima.
1. My dad's dog Zeus. Sure, I miss my parents and my sister and the other dog, but... I miss Zeus more. I can't talk to him on the phone and although he can type a little bit, he's definitely illiterate, so it's pointless.
2. Pat's Donuts and Kreme. The donuts in Cincinnati suck. How do you fuck up a donut? Ask Busken. They're also experts in f-ing up brownies, cheesecake, etc. It all tastes like Crisco.
3. When you go out in Lima, you don't feel ugly. It's way more fun that way.
4. Lima is sparse on chain pizza and FAT FULL of really good non-chain pizza. I now know that it's not so easy to get pizza like Fat Jack's, Beer Barrel, Rigali's, etc. I like Larosas and all, but... sometimes you want flat and greesy... just bowling alley style pizza, you know? You can't get it at a chain place, even if it's a local chain (seriously, Larosa's is Cincinnati based, but there has got to be 100 of them.) We have fancy pizza here, though, and it's pretty awesome (Dewey's, Mio's...); thankfully pizza is the perfect food and almost impossible to mess up entirely, so I'm okay. I just miss the kind we grew up with (I had Fat Jack's this past Sunday and it's full on miss-able. TRUST.)
5. The Thrift Store by the Porn Store. If you think Goodwill has good deals, you've never seen deals like The Neighborhood Relief Thrift Store on Elida Rd.
6. Shredded Chicken Sandwiches. I had no idea this was a Lima thing until I moved away. Speaking of shredded chicken sammiches...
7. Happy Daz! For those of you who know about the Daz, there is no explanation necessary. For those of you who are unfamil: it is basically the closest thing to fast food perfection in America and beyond. The menu includes pretty much anything you are craving. You want a grilled cheese sammich but you don't feel like making one yourself? They've got you, broseph. My personal favorite, fried pickles, and Limaland school lunch favorite, chicken fryz: REPRESENT. Best milkshakes in town, and gigantic shredded chicken sandwiches (which are de-lish with the fried mushrooms... so much fried food and ice cream here... it's like a convenient little drive-thru county fair).
Most famously, Happy Daz has pork tenderloin sandwiches that are bigger than your head and only cost like $1.50. Apparently, tenderloins are not big here in Cincy either, which makes no sense to me because this place is always wetting its collective pants over its German heritage and I'm pretty sure this is German food... oh well, Cincinnati has goetta, which makes up and over for anything lacking in the pork department... and this is a town that might have an actual and official Department of Pork.
8. The conversations I experience with my cousins. The following is an excerpt from a conversation between myself, my cousin Kristen (13) and my cousin (and her cousin) Quentin (12) that took place Saturday night while we were watching Saturday Night Live:
Alicia Keys is the musical guest, and she is singing.
Kristen: Is she supposed to be mixed or what?
Me: Is she supposed to be mixed?? She's half white and half black, if you're asking.
Kristen: See.
Quentin: It seems like most girls are mixed.
Kristen: I'm not. Alanna's not. Bev's not. That's three who aren't!
Quentin: *SIGH* I mean the black ones!
Me: .... (about to try to explain that ethnicity and gender do not affect each other, but at a loss for words).... (a commercial or something with footage of Justin Beiber at the airport is on)
Kristen: JUSTIN BEIBER!!!!!!!!!! He-walked-into-a-glass-door-TWO-times-but-I-still-like-him!!!!!!
(everyone laughs)(Isn't it cute when girls realize cute trumps dumb?)
Kristen: Quentin, remember when you thought his name was Justin Barbie?
Quentin: I did not.
Then Quentin listed his favorite bands for me... and then his favorite tv shows. And it was a fun 15 minutes for me... before I passed out asleep because I am way old and can't stay up as late as they can :)
9. Kewpee. Duh. My friend Bex has a theory about Kewpee tasting so good to us Lima beans because the cows are born and raised and sold and sliced all right there in Allen County. I don't know if her theory of the cows tasting good because of them being our own friendly neighbors means that we're all disgusting people who get something out of eating animals you could meet first, or just that, you know, it's important that the beef isn't packaged and shipped and frozen and stored, or imported from Michigan or something.
10. All of my best friends in the world are from Lima. Obviously, I'll always have a little love for Lima. It's a rough place for a lot of different reasons, but it turns out some quality peoples.
I'll see you tomorrow when I recap everyone's favorite show, which happens to be set in the one and only Lima, Ohio :)
To summarize: I've been home for family stuff like 50% of weekends so far this year, and now that my grandpa will be in Florida, my time in the Big L will decrease by about 95%. I'm no math wiz, and I don't know why I started throwing out these baseless percentages, but basically I'm coming home for major holidays, maybe, and crisis only.
However, Lima holds a special little spot in my soul, and I have made a list of the Top Ten Things I Love And Miss About Lima.
1. My dad's dog Zeus. Sure, I miss my parents and my sister and the other dog, but... I miss Zeus more. I can't talk to him on the phone and although he can type a little bit, he's definitely illiterate, so it's pointless.
2. Pat's Donuts and Kreme. The donuts in Cincinnati suck. How do you fuck up a donut? Ask Busken. They're also experts in f-ing up brownies, cheesecake, etc. It all tastes like Crisco.
3. When you go out in Lima, you don't feel ugly. It's way more fun that way.
4. Lima is sparse on chain pizza and FAT FULL of really good non-chain pizza. I now know that it's not so easy to get pizza like Fat Jack's, Beer Barrel, Rigali's, etc. I like Larosas and all, but... sometimes you want flat and greesy... just bowling alley style pizza, you know? You can't get it at a chain place, even if it's a local chain (seriously, Larosa's is Cincinnati based, but there has got to be 100 of them.) We have fancy pizza here, though, and it's pretty awesome (Dewey's, Mio's...); thankfully pizza is the perfect food and almost impossible to mess up entirely, so I'm okay. I just miss the kind we grew up with (I had Fat Jack's this past Sunday and it's full on miss-able. TRUST.)
5. The Thrift Store by the Porn Store. If you think Goodwill has good deals, you've never seen deals like The Neighborhood Relief Thrift Store on Elida Rd.
6. Shredded Chicken Sandwiches. I had no idea this was a Lima thing until I moved away. Speaking of shredded chicken sammiches...
7. Happy Daz! For those of you who know about the Daz, there is no explanation necessary. For those of you who are unfamil: it is basically the closest thing to fast food perfection in America and beyond. The menu includes pretty much anything you are craving. You want a grilled cheese sammich but you don't feel like making one yourself? They've got you, broseph. My personal favorite, fried pickles, and Limaland school lunch favorite, chicken fryz: REPRESENT. Best milkshakes in town, and gigantic shredded chicken sandwiches (which are de-lish with the fried mushrooms... so much fried food and ice cream here... it's like a convenient little drive-thru county fair).
Most famously, Happy Daz has pork tenderloin sandwiches that are bigger than your head and only cost like $1.50. Apparently, tenderloins are not big here in Cincy either, which makes no sense to me because this place is always wetting its collective pants over its German heritage and I'm pretty sure this is German food... oh well, Cincinnati has goetta, which makes up and over for anything lacking in the pork department... and this is a town that might have an actual and official Department of Pork. 8. The conversations I experience with my cousins. The following is an excerpt from a conversation between myself, my cousin Kristen (13) and my cousin (and her cousin) Quentin (12) that took place Saturday night while we were watching Saturday Night Live:
Alicia Keys is the musical guest, and she is singing.
Kristen: Is she supposed to be mixed or what?
Me: Is she supposed to be mixed?? She's half white and half black, if you're asking.
Kristen: See.
Quentin: It seems like most girls are mixed.
Kristen: I'm not. Alanna's not. Bev's not. That's three who aren't!
Quentin: *SIGH* I mean the black ones!
Me: .... (about to try to explain that ethnicity and gender do not affect each other, but at a loss for words).... (a commercial or something with footage of Justin Beiber at the airport is on)
Kristen: JUSTIN BEIBER!!!!!!!!!! He-walked-into-a-glass-door-TWO-times-but-I-still-like-him!!!!!!
(everyone laughs)(Isn't it cute when girls realize cute trumps dumb?)
Kristen: Quentin, remember when you thought his name was Justin Barbie?
Quentin: I did not.
Then Quentin listed his favorite bands for me... and then his favorite tv shows. And it was a fun 15 minutes for me... before I passed out asleep because I am way old and can't stay up as late as they can :)
9. Kewpee. Duh. My friend Bex has a theory about Kewpee tasting so good to us Lima beans because the cows are born and raised and sold and sliced all right there in Allen County. I don't know if her theory of the cows tasting good because of them being our own friendly neighbors means that we're all disgusting people who get something out of eating animals you could meet first, or just that, you know, it's important that the beef isn't packaged and shipped and frozen and stored, or imported from Michigan or something.
10. All of my best friends in the world are from Lima. Obviously, I'll always have a little love for Lima. It's a rough place for a lot of different reasons, but it turns out some quality peoples.
I'll see you tomorrow when I recap everyone's favorite show, which happens to be set in the one and only Lima, Ohio :)
Monday, June 7, 2010
Crush of the Week!
At my place of employment, we use AOL for an email server. If you're wondering if we are stuck in the 90's, the answer is probably yes. I don't know for sure, because I didn't work in an office in the 90's. Back then I did, however, hear a little "you've got mail" when I dialed-up on the family computer (located in the dining room, of course), when I accessed the still novel and magical internet, so I associate AOL with high school and therefore with the 90's.
Moving on, when I log on at work, I am greeted with the AOL Daily News, and I was just DEEEE-Lighted to see this the other day. $500,000 raised for underprivileged kids by who now?!?
My Crush of the Week for the Week of June 7, 2010, is Rob Dyrdek. He is cute and hilarious and philanthropic.
He makes up for being super short by having two super presh bulldogs. And he's really into the dogs, which makes me love him.
ADORABLE!
I don't know if The Fantasy Factory is still on, because I don't have cable, but I saw two seasons of that show and it was HI-larious. Just don't forget that Rob Dyrdek is on your radar today* because he was part of one of the best reality shows of all times: Rob and Big.
Oh yeah, and he's from right up in these parts. Kettering, OH. It's about halfway between Lima and Cincinnati, so that pretty much means 99% of my readers are in the vicinity to stalk his parents (if you're into that sort of thing... not that I am, but if you feel like trying to find their house or something sometime, don't even think about not including me). He built a skate park in Kettering and I went there once. I'm serious, I did, but I'm not crazy, I just happened to be in Kettering and the person I was with asked someone where it was and dude was like, "right over there." I mean, I don't frequent skate parks (although I wish I would have thought about that when I was like 14... THAT'S WHERE THE HOT SK8R BOIS ARE, ding dong!)
I have a picture of myself in front of this sign! It's somewhere on one of my old phones!
And hey! Remember that one time, on Rob and Big, when they were driving up I-75 and Rob said, "get ready to see the world's biggest Jesus"? That was awesome! Because I drive by Giant Jesus all the time!
Congratulations, Rob Dyrdek! I know you're DGL (Dirty Girls for Life), and you are looking specifically for a "thoroughbred dime piece, 21, 22 TOPS," BUT, say you find yourself stranded in Ohio sometime... maybe you came to visit your parents, and then they fell asleep during the Wheel, and it doesn't look like they are going to get a burst of energy to play euchre later like they promised and now you're really bored, and good luck finding one of these "dime pieces" in the Greater Dayton area...
...I can be there in like 45 minutes. That's all I'm saying.
P.S. - Please stop hanging out with John Mayer. For real.
*Unless you're into professional skateboarding, or whatever. X-games and Dew Tours and Sex Wax and whatnot. He may have been on your radar from that stuff, first, which I guess would explain how he got a show in the first place... but just stop talking back to my blog, okay? You're probably a boy, anyways, and I don't know why you have to go and make things so comp-li-ca-ted... te-ehh-ell me, why you gotta do that?
Moving on, when I log on at work, I am greeted with the AOL Daily News, and I was just DEEEE-Lighted to see this the other day. $500,000 raised for underprivileged kids by who now?!?
My Crush of the Week for the Week of June 7, 2010, is Rob Dyrdek. He is cute and hilarious and philanthropic.
He makes up for being super short by having two super presh bulldogs. And he's really into the dogs, which makes me love him.
ADORABLE!
I don't know if The Fantasy Factory is still on, because I don't have cable, but I saw two seasons of that show and it was HI-larious. Just don't forget that Rob Dyrdek is on your radar today* because he was part of one of the best reality shows of all times: Rob and Big.
Oh yeah, and he's from right up in these parts. Kettering, OH. It's about halfway between Lima and Cincinnati, so that pretty much means 99% of my readers are in the vicinity to stalk his parents (if you're into that sort of thing... not that I am, but if you feel like trying to find their house or something sometime, don't even think about not including me). He built a skate park in Kettering and I went there once. I'm serious, I did, but I'm not crazy, I just happened to be in Kettering and the person I was with asked someone where it was and dude was like, "right over there." I mean, I don't frequent skate parks (although I wish I would have thought about that when I was like 14... THAT'S WHERE THE HOT SK8R BOIS ARE, ding dong!)
I have a picture of myself in front of this sign! It's somewhere on one of my old phones! And hey! Remember that one time, on Rob and Big, when they were driving up I-75 and Rob said, "get ready to see the world's biggest Jesus"? That was awesome! Because I drive by Giant Jesus all the time!
Congratulations, Rob Dyrdek! I know you're DGL (Dirty Girls for Life), and you are looking specifically for a "thoroughbred dime piece, 21, 22 TOPS," BUT, say you find yourself stranded in Ohio sometime... maybe you came to visit your parents, and then they fell asleep during the Wheel, and it doesn't look like they are going to get a burst of energy to play euchre later like they promised and now you're really bored, and good luck finding one of these "dime pieces" in the Greater Dayton area...
...I can be there in like 45 minutes. That's all I'm saying.
P.S. - Please stop hanging out with John Mayer. For real.
*Unless you're into professional skateboarding, or whatever. X-games and Dew Tours and Sex Wax and whatnot. He may have been on your radar from that stuff, first, which I guess would explain how he got a show in the first place... but just stop talking back to my blog, okay? You're probably a boy, anyways, and I don't know why you have to go and make things so comp-li-ca-ted... te-ehh-ell me, why you gotta do that?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Ask Miss Alanny!
dear miss alanny,
long time reader, first time writer. here's my dilemma: my childhood hero has passed on to a better place, one that has as much style as she, and i'm feeling lonely and lost, or as she would say "like a june bug on the only lily pad in a pond on a hot summer's day". who should i look to as my new moral compass? who do you believe should be my new hero? love and kisses,
salty in cincy
Dear Salty,
Thank you for being a reader. I’m sorry to hear about your childhood hero passing, and it sounds like you’re finding it difficult to move on. I have a dear friend whose favorite show is The Golden Girls, and whom I was positive would grow up to be a fabulous, real-life Blanche Devareaux. Even though she has lamed out a bit, I have a feeling the passing of Ms. Rue McClanahan today is making my friend feel very similar to how you’re feeling. Everyone needs an idol: I have several fierce bitches that I look to for inspiration and moral support. I am not willing to give up Celine to you, as I feel that I already have to share her with enough crazy French Canucks who don’t get her like I do, but I will offer you Erykah Badu. For some reason, I feel like the two of you would get on nicely, and I can not recommend worshiping strong, black and proud women more. They don’t let you down. And they let you know when they’re getting tired of your shit. Also, I think writing in all lowercase letters might fly in Baduland, so you’re good there. It would upset Celine; English is her second language so the careless and improper use of it would confuse her and please just be careful with Celine, people! She’s prego with twins! And her husband is older than Santa Claus!
Anyways, thanks for the questions. Please send your "Ask Miss Alanny" questions to me at facebook.com/alannpants.
long time reader, first time writer. here's my dilemma: my childhood hero has passed on to a better place, one that has as much style as she, and i'm feeling lonely and lost, or as she would say "like a june bug on the only lily pad in a pond on a hot summer's day". who should i look to as my new moral compass? who do you believe should be my new hero? love and kisses,
salty in cincy
Dear Salty,
Thank you for being a reader. I’m sorry to hear about your childhood hero passing, and it sounds like you’re finding it difficult to move on. I have a dear friend whose favorite show is The Golden Girls, and whom I was positive would grow up to be a fabulous, real-life Blanche Devareaux. Even though she has lamed out a bit, I have a feeling the passing of Ms. Rue McClanahan today is making my friend feel very similar to how you’re feeling. Everyone needs an idol: I have several fierce bitches that I look to for inspiration and moral support. I am not willing to give up Celine to you, as I feel that I already have to share her with enough crazy French Canucks who don’t get her like I do, but I will offer you Erykah Badu. For some reason, I feel like the two of you would get on nicely, and I can not recommend worshiping strong, black and proud women more. They don’t let you down. And they let you know when they’re getting tired of your shit. Also, I think writing in all lowercase letters might fly in Baduland, so you’re good there. It would upset Celine; English is her second language so the careless and improper use of it would confuse her and please just be careful with Celine, people! She’s prego with twins! And her husband is older than Santa Claus!
Anyways, thanks for the questions. Please send your "Ask Miss Alanny" questions to me at facebook.com/alannpants.
R.I.P.
American Icon Rue McClanahan a.k.a. the divine Blanche Devareaux has passed away. Eating cheesecake will be a most appropriate choice of metaphorical "forty tipping." Don't forget your silky pj's, and while you're at it, call a friend and thank her.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Gleekly Weekly - 6/2/2010
Since I watch Glee online the day after it airs, it makes sense for me to just write this as I watch, so from now on, my Gleekly Weekly will be a "live blog" of sorts :)
Jesse goes back to Vocal Adrenaline. Yay! I hate Jesse.
Rachel says she wants Jesse to be eaten by a lion. Hilarious, and I’m def on board with this.
Mr. Shue seducing Sue Sylvester was funny, but please don’t think the abundance of ass shots did anything for me. Seriously, who decided this guy is a heartthrob??
SHEETS ‘n THINGS!!!! First of all, I love anytime that Mr. Ryerson shows up. "Who is Josh Groban?!? KILL YOURSELF!" So, everything that happens in Sheets ‘n Things aka Losers ‘n Things is just... making all my dreams come true. Thank you, Glee, for bringing this Puck/Finn/Beck moment into my life.
Sue’s journal on this episode was the best ever Sue’s journal! She’s having feelings about Will Shuester and they are sexy, non-murdering feelings! True love always comes from true hate! As we know from Bryan Ryan’s visit, "anger sex" is the only kind Sue Sylvester knows, and you know what Wednesday is, right?
If Terri doesn’t keep her evil ratface away from Finn, I am going to die.
I don’t know why Artie was offended, but I know I was freaked out by the room full of pregnant. Skipping this. Except, what’s the deal with Mercedes being a bitch and a half all of the sudden?
Good Vibrations was seriously wack, other than when Puck said "Donnie D break it down." That was awesome. Marky Mark and Donnie D Wahlberg would be a good guest stars, Glee - listen up. Wait, they might be saying "Finny D"... and probably "Pucky Puck"... that’s just silly.
Okay, I apologize to Mercedes. She isn’t angry all the time, it’s called being sassy!
Sue in her track suit, hugging her trophy in bed! Kurt sang 14 minutes of Celine!
I HATE JESSE.
I know Rachel is supposed to be super annoying to everyone in the show as well as to everyone watching the show, but I just love her and I feel like we are soul sisters.
Alright, well, I’m grateful for all of the funny stuff this week, because I’m pretty disappointed with the music. Vocal Adrenaline’s song was lame - pretty much just costumes and Jesse’s hateable-ness. By nature, Loser was ten different kinds of awesome, but too short. That thing Mr. Shue did to seduce Sue did nothing to seduce me. We’ve already discussed the prego thing and the funky bunch thing. And the last song was just not a big enough deal to me... I don’t know, I just don’t think they did something that would put the fear into the other team, and the song was like, novelty funk...
3/5 stars again this week. Are the elusive Regionals finally going to happen on the season finale? And are Rachel and Finn going to get back 2getha (4eva)??
Jesse goes back to Vocal Adrenaline. Yay! I hate Jesse.
Rachel says she wants Jesse to be eaten by a lion. Hilarious, and I’m def on board with this.
Mr. Shue seducing Sue Sylvester was funny, but please don’t think the abundance of ass shots did anything for me. Seriously, who decided this guy is a heartthrob??
SHEETS ‘n THINGS!!!! First of all, I love anytime that Mr. Ryerson shows up. "Who is Josh Groban?!? KILL YOURSELF!" So, everything that happens in Sheets ‘n Things aka Losers ‘n Things is just... making all my dreams come true. Thank you, Glee, for bringing this Puck/Finn/Beck moment into my life.
Sue’s journal on this episode was the best ever Sue’s journal! She’s having feelings about Will Shuester and they are sexy, non-murdering feelings! True love always comes from true hate! As we know from Bryan Ryan’s visit, "anger sex" is the only kind Sue Sylvester knows, and you know what Wednesday is, right?
If Terri doesn’t keep her evil ratface away from Finn, I am going to die.
I don’t know why Artie was offended, but I know I was freaked out by the room full of pregnant. Skipping this. Except, what’s the deal with Mercedes being a bitch and a half all of the sudden?
Good Vibrations was seriously wack, other than when Puck said "Donnie D break it down." That was awesome. Marky Mark and Donnie D Wahlberg would be a good guest stars, Glee - listen up. Wait, they might be saying "Finny D"... and probably "Pucky Puck"... that’s just silly.
Okay, I apologize to Mercedes. She isn’t angry all the time, it’s called being sassy!
Sue in her track suit, hugging her trophy in bed! Kurt sang 14 minutes of Celine!
I HATE JESSE.
I know Rachel is supposed to be super annoying to everyone in the show as well as to everyone watching the show, but I just love her and I feel like we are soul sisters.
Alright, well, I’m grateful for all of the funny stuff this week, because I’m pretty disappointed with the music. Vocal Adrenaline’s song was lame - pretty much just costumes and Jesse’s hateable-ness. By nature, Loser was ten different kinds of awesome, but too short. That thing Mr. Shue did to seduce Sue did nothing to seduce me. We’ve already discussed the prego thing and the funky bunch thing. And the last song was just not a big enough deal to me... I don’t know, I just don’t think they did something that would put the fear into the other team, and the song was like, novelty funk...
3/5 stars again this week. Are the elusive Regionals finally going to happen on the season finale? And are Rachel and Finn going to get back 2getha (4eva)??
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tuesday Top Ten
Top Ten Signs The Guy You Like Secretly Has A Girlfriend (And Why It's Not So Much Of A Secret, Dummy)
1. He sometimes drops off the face of the Earth for a few weeks at a time. No explanation. At least, not one that makes any sense whatsoever. (Tip: Someone's got a little on again/off again thingie ding dingie, and don't expect to be notified when it's back on again.)
2. He takes 48 hours or so to respond to messages. Why? "Couldn't answer when I got it, then I forgot till now." Oh really? I think maybe it's because GIRLFRIENDS ARE SUSPICIOUS OF TEXTING. (Also - what a dick for telling me you forgot about me for TWO F-ING DAYS! Some guys are just unable to be decent, I swear to this.)
3. He's beautiful like a doll. Also heartless and hollow inside like a doll. Beautiful, heartless, hollow shells of boys have no shortage of girls and no shame in being reckless with them. Fact.
4. Does he have a facebook page? Yes. Can you see it? No. PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S "IN A RELATIONSHIP," FOOL!
5. He's always "busy," which is just the excuse of all excuses, but you could be in the middle of performing surgery on one of your own grandparents and that's not reason enough for him that you can't "hang out." (Read: "Busy" does NOT explain ANY DAMN THING and if he only wants to "hang" when it's convenient for him, and doesn't understand why that's unfair, it's probably because he's only got the narrow little window to work with. TRUST.)
6. You've known him for four months and seen him twice. He's getting something else from somewhere else. Sorry to break it to you this way, homey.
7. His "schedule" is a mythical force of life-fucking evil. Tells you he's not available MWF, but it turns out, Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't good either. And weekends? M.I.A. Is that because that's "family time" with the "wifey"? Hmmmmmm... Oh, and HOLIDAY WEEKENDS ARE BLACKOUT DATES. Cause what kind of boyfriend can get out of cookouts with his girlfriend's family and such, right? That's so sweet of him...
8. He's not much of a conversationalist. Not to break your heart, but he doesn't want to talk to you. That's not the purpose you serve. He's not trying to impress you with his wits. He's not here to get to know you. For crying out loud, woman, he has to deal with enough of this "conversation" crap with the other one!
9. He's a college student. I mean this in all seriousness: College is a buffet of play. If you are reading this and you are in college: do not have a significant other - a real one, a sort of one, any kind of one that involves cutting yourself off from this smorgasbord in this isolated time in your life when you are literally surrounded by hot single people your own age at all times of the day and night. I can not find words strong enough to fully explain to you how silly you are if you're wasting this time period by throwing it away on a S.O.Sitch. At the beginning of every semester, you walk into five new rooms full of young, available, best-they-will-ever-look boys and girls... THIS NEVER OCCURS AGAIN IN LIFE. Unless you decide to be a Professor, and I do know a guy who I'm pretty sure became a Professor for the sheer thrill of the College Open Market - season starts every Fall, right on schedule. If I could go back in time and be a 20-yr old single bitch at BGSU, I FOR SHIT SURE would have spent more time looking to mingle and less time whining and watching Days Of Our Lives in my dorm room while simultaneously failing all my classes. Even you idiots with the bf/gf conundrum are smarter than I was. GO TO CLASS, dumb-dumb, that's where the boys are!
10. He has a Baby Mama. You see, ex-girlfriends and even ex-wives, the obnoxious ghosts that they are, can plausibly fade away, almost as though they never existed at all. But, my loves, BABY MAMAS DO NOT DIE.
1. He sometimes drops off the face of the Earth for a few weeks at a time. No explanation. At least, not one that makes any sense whatsoever. (Tip: Someone's got a little on again/off again thingie ding dingie, and don't expect to be notified when it's back on again.)
2. He takes 48 hours or so to respond to messages. Why? "Couldn't answer when I got it, then I forgot till now." Oh really? I think maybe it's because GIRLFRIENDS ARE SUSPICIOUS OF TEXTING. (Also - what a dick for telling me you forgot about me for TWO F-ING DAYS! Some guys are just unable to be decent, I swear to this.)
3. He's beautiful like a doll. Also heartless and hollow inside like a doll. Beautiful, heartless, hollow shells of boys have no shortage of girls and no shame in being reckless with them. Fact.
4. Does he have a facebook page? Yes. Can you see it? No. PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S "IN A RELATIONSHIP," FOOL!
5. He's always "busy," which is just the excuse of all excuses, but you could be in the middle of performing surgery on one of your own grandparents and that's not reason enough for him that you can't "hang out." (Read: "Busy" does NOT explain ANY DAMN THING and if he only wants to "hang" when it's convenient for him, and doesn't understand why that's unfair, it's probably because he's only got the narrow little window to work with. TRUST.)
6. You've known him for four months and seen him twice. He's getting something else from somewhere else. Sorry to break it to you this way, homey.
7. His "schedule" is a mythical force of life-fucking evil. Tells you he's not available MWF, but it turns out, Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't good either. And weekends? M.I.A. Is that because that's "family time" with the "wifey"? Hmmmmmm... Oh, and HOLIDAY WEEKENDS ARE BLACKOUT DATES. Cause what kind of boyfriend can get out of cookouts with his girlfriend's family and such, right? That's so sweet of him...
8. He's not much of a conversationalist. Not to break your heart, but he doesn't want to talk to you. That's not the purpose you serve. He's not trying to impress you with his wits. He's not here to get to know you. For crying out loud, woman, he has to deal with enough of this "conversation" crap with the other one!
9. He's a college student. I mean this in all seriousness: College is a buffet of play. If you are reading this and you are in college: do not have a significant other - a real one, a sort of one, any kind of one that involves cutting yourself off from this smorgasbord in this isolated time in your life when you are literally surrounded by hot single people your own age at all times of the day and night. I can not find words strong enough to fully explain to you how silly you are if you're wasting this time period by throwing it away on a S.O.Sitch. At the beginning of every semester, you walk into five new rooms full of young, available, best-they-will-ever-look boys and girls... THIS NEVER OCCURS AGAIN IN LIFE. Unless you decide to be a Professor, and I do know a guy who I'm pretty sure became a Professor for the sheer thrill of the College Open Market - season starts every Fall, right on schedule. If I could go back in time and be a 20-yr old single bitch at BGSU, I FOR SHIT SURE would have spent more time looking to mingle and less time whining and watching Days Of Our Lives in my dorm room while simultaneously failing all my classes. Even you idiots with the bf/gf conundrum are smarter than I was. GO TO CLASS, dumb-dumb, that's where the boys are!
10. He has a Baby Mama. You see, ex-girlfriends and even ex-wives, the obnoxious ghosts that they are, can plausibly fade away, almost as though they never existed at all. But, my loves, BABY MAMAS DO NOT DIE.
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