Tuesday Top Ten!

Today, my mother left Lima with my grandpa, moving him to Florida to live with her. It's good thing, but for those of you who live and love in Lima, Ohio, I have to say, as more of my family gets the F out of that place, the less likely I am to spend time there. I know this hurts your heart, and I'm sorry. Sure, the majority of my family is still there, but these wonderful advances in technology have made it so not essential to see people face-to-face anymore. I mean, my brain will download an updated image of you once a year when I see you at Christmas, and in the months in between, we will keep in touch via facebook, yahoo IM, and in the event of an emergency of some sort, you can call me after 9pm or on weekends.

To summarize: I've been home for family stuff like 50% of weekends so far this year, and now that my grandpa will be in Florida, my time in the Big L will decrease by about 95%. I'm no math wiz, and I don't know why I started throwing out these baseless percentages, but basically I'm coming home for major holidays, maybe, and crisis only.

However, Lima holds a special little spot in my soul, and I have made a list of the Top Ten Things I Love And Miss About Lima.

1. My dad's dog Zeus. Sure, I miss my parents and my sister and the other dog, but... I miss Zeus more. I can't talk to him on the phone and although he can type a little bit, he's definitely illiterate, so it's pointless.




2. Pat's Donuts and Kreme. The donuts in Cincinnati suck. How do you fuck up a donut? Ask Busken. They're also experts in f-ing up brownies, cheesecake, etc. It all tastes like Crisco.

3. When you go out in Lima, you don't feel ugly. It's way more fun that way.

4. Lima is sparse on chain pizza and FAT FULL of really good non-chain pizza. I now know that it's not so easy to get pizza like Fat Jack's, Beer Barrel, Rigali's, etc. I like Larosas and all, but... sometimes you want flat and greesy... just bowling alley style pizza, you know? You can't get it at a chain place, even if it's a local chain (seriously, Larosa's is Cincinnati based, but there has got to be 100 of them.) We have fancy pizza here, though, and it's pretty awesome (Dewey's, Mio's...); thankfully pizza is the perfect food and almost impossible to mess up entirely, so I'm okay. I just miss the kind we grew up with (I had Fat Jack's this past Sunday and it's full on miss-able. TRUST.)

5. The Thrift Store by the Porn Store. If you think Goodwill has good deals, you've never seen deals like The Neighborhood Relief Thrift Store on Elida Rd.

6. Shredded Chicken Sandwiches. I had no idea this was a Lima thing until I moved away. Speaking of shredded chicken sammiches...

7. Happy Daz! For those of you who know about the Daz, there is no explanation necessary. For those of you who are unfamil: it is basically the closest thing to fast food perfection in America and beyond. The menu includes pretty much anything you are craving. You want a grilled cheese sammich but you don't feel like making one yourself? They've got you, broseph. My personal favorite, fried pickles, and Limaland school lunch favorite, chicken fryz: REPRESENT. Best milkshakes in town, and gigantic shredded chicken sandwiches (which are de-lish with the fried mushrooms... so much fried food and ice cream here... it's like a convenient little drive-thru county fair). Most famously, Happy Daz has pork tenderloin sandwiches that are bigger than your head and only cost like $1.50. Apparently, tenderloins are not big here in Cincy either, which makes no sense to me because this place is always wetting its collective pants over its German heritage and I'm pretty sure this is German food... oh well, Cincinnati has goetta, which makes up and over for anything lacking in the pork department... and this is a town that might have an actual and official Department of Pork.


8. The conversations I experience with my cousins. The following is an excerpt from a conversation between myself, my cousin Kristen (13) and my cousin (and her cousin) Quentin (12) that took place Saturday night while we were watching Saturday Night Live:

Alicia Keys is the musical guest, and she is singing.
Kristen: Is she supposed to be mixed or what?
Me: Is she supposed to be mixed?? She's half white and half black, if you're asking.
Kristen: See.
Quentin: It seems like most girls are mixed.
Kristen: I'm not. Alanna's not. Bev's not. That's three who aren't!
Quentin: *SIGH* I mean the black ones!
Me: .... (about to try to explain that ethnicity and gender do not affect each other, but at a loss for words).... (a commercial or something with footage of Justin Beiber at the airport is on)
Kristen: JUSTIN BEIBER!!!!!!!!!! He-walked-into-a-glass-door-TWO-times-but-I-still-like-him!!!!!!
(everyone laughs)(Isn't it cute when girls realize cute trumps dumb?)
Kristen: Quentin, remember when you thought his name was Justin Barbie?
Quentin: I did not.

Then Quentin listed his favorite bands for me... and then his favorite tv shows. And it was a fun 15 minutes for me... before I passed out asleep because I am way old and can't stay up as late as they can :)

9. Kewpee. Duh. My friend Bex has a theory about Kewpee tasting so good to us Lima beans because the cows are born and raised and sold and sliced all right there in Allen County. I don't know if her theory of the cows tasting good because of them being our own friendly neighbors means that we're all disgusting people who get something out of eating animals you could meet first, or just that, you know, it's important that the beef isn't packaged and shipped and frozen and stored, or imported from Michigan or something.


10. All of my best friends in the world are from Lima. Obviously, I'll always have a little love for Lima. It's a rough place for a lot of different reasons, but it turns out some quality peoples.

I'll see you tomorrow when I recap everyone's favorite show, which happens to be set in the one and only Lima, Ohio :)