Tuesday Top Ten

Top Ten Signs The Guy You Like Secretly Has A Girlfriend (And Why It's Not So Much Of A Secret, Dummy)

1. He sometimes drops off the face of the Earth for a few weeks at a time. No explanation. At least, not one that makes any sense whatsoever. (Tip: Someone's got a little on again/off again thingie ding dingie, and don't expect to be notified when it's back on again.)

2. He takes 48 hours or so to respond to messages. Why? "Couldn't answer when I got it, then I forgot till now." Oh really? I think maybe it's because GIRLFRIENDS ARE SUSPICIOUS OF TEXTING. (Also - what a dick for telling me you forgot about me for TWO F-ING DAYS! Some guys are just unable to be decent, I swear to this.)

3. He's beautiful like a doll. Also heartless and hollow inside like a doll. Beautiful, heartless, hollow shells of boys have no shortage of girls and no shame in being reckless with them. Fact.

4. Does he have a facebook page? Yes. Can you see it? No. PROBABLY BECAUSE HE'S "IN A RELATIONSHIP," FOOL!

5. He's always "busy," which is just the excuse of all excuses, but you could be in the middle of performing surgery on one of your own grandparents and that's not reason enough for him that you can't "hang out." (Read: "Busy" does NOT explain ANY DAMN THING and if he only wants to "hang" when it's convenient for him, and doesn't understand why that's unfair, it's probably because he's only got the narrow little window to work with. TRUST.)

6. You've known him for four months and seen him twice. He's getting something else from somewhere else. Sorry to break it to you this way, homey.

7. His "schedule" is a mythical force of life-fucking evil. Tells you he's not available MWF, but it turns out, Tuesdays and Thursdays aren't good either. And weekends? M.I.A. Is that because that's "family time" with the "wifey"? Hmmmmmm... Oh, and HOLIDAY WEEKENDS ARE BLACKOUT DATES. Cause what kind of boyfriend can get out of cookouts with his girlfriend's family and such, right? That's so sweet of him...

8. He's not much of a conversationalist. Not to break your heart, but he doesn't want to talk to you. That's not the purpose you serve. He's not trying to impress you with his wits. He's not here to get to know you. For crying out loud, woman, he has to deal with enough of this "conversation" crap with the other one!

9. He's a college student. I mean this in all seriousness: College is a buffet of play. If you are reading this and you are in college: do not have a significant other - a real one, a sort of one, any kind of one that involves cutting yourself off from this smorgasbord in this isolated time in your life when you are literally surrounded by hot single people your own age at all times of the day and night. I can not find words strong enough to fully explain to you how silly you are if you're wasting this time period by throwing it away on a S.O.Sitch. At the beginning of every semester, you walk into five new rooms full of young, available, best-they-will-ever-look boys and girls... THIS NEVER OCCURS AGAIN IN LIFE. Unless you decide to be a Professor, and I do know a guy who I'm pretty sure became a Professor for the sheer thrill of the College Open Market - season starts every Fall, right on schedule. If I could go back in time and be a 20-yr old single bitch at BGSU, I FOR SHIT SURE would have spent more time looking to mingle and less time whining and watching Days Of Our Lives in my dorm room while simultaneously failing all my classes. Even you idiots with the bf/gf conundrum are smarter than I was. GO TO CLASS, dumb-dumb, that's where the boys are!

10. He has a Baby Mama. You see, ex-girlfriends and even ex-wives, the obnoxious ghosts that they are, can plausibly fade away, almost as though they never existed at all. But, my loves, BABY MAMAS DO NOT DIE.