1. The National Uproar over "Shark Week." I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing that all of the people who publicly outcry for the supposed awesomeness of "Shark Week" are not doing so just to sound as though they are secretly some sort of sadistic marine biologists. It doesn't make you seem cooler when you make a big deal out of a week of shark-related programming on the tv. It does make you seem like a phony d-bag.
2. Katy Perry. America's acceptance of this girl as a) a musician, b) an attractive person, and c) a noteworthy celebrity are each and all beyond my grasp. There may be plenty of celebrities that I don't "get," but this one, as my friend Bethie says, "baffles the living crap out of me."
3. Vera Bradley crap. Seriously - is someone playing a trick on me? I got a text once that said, "Do you like Vera Bradley?" and I threw my phone at the wall. The idea that someone has pictured me carrying a purse made out of a quilt makes me so angry. The fact that so many people not only agree to carry these Holly Hobby fashion disasters, but also pay damn-near-Coach prices to do so, is just... well, it has to be some sort of trickery, don't you think?
4. Jeggings. First of all, the very "word" makes me want to die... "jeggings"??? Ugh. Secondly, this is just asking people to leave their houses without wearing pants. Not good. Especially since the apparent mindset behind purchasing these jeans/leggings is, "you know... skinny pants just aren't unflattering enough for me, personally. I need something to show off all of my lumps... do you have anything that looks like the tightest skinny jeans ever, but is made out of a fabric that is less forgiving than denim and will sufficiently highlight my camel toe? O. M. G. Hold the fucking phone!!! You mean I can wear tights as pants and not even think of an explanation as to why I forgot my skirt?? Tights that look like jeans! I can die happy... oh, jeggings, I love you!" And... scene.
5. Chelsea Handler. I'm not saying she isn't funny, but I don't think anyone thinks she's as funny as she does. I have never seen a comedian laugh at her own jokes to the point that she botches her punchlines in fits of her own giggles. How did she get a show? I don't get it. I mean, she isn't that good looking, is she? Also, I just don't get her platform. She has written three memoirs about being a drunken hobag, yet is so insulting of female celebrities who are off the wagon and/or sort of hobaggish. Either you celebrate the behavior, or you find it disgusting, Chelsea - pick one, because otherwise, I just don't get you. I read one of your books... you are filthy... so, why does it put you in such a rage when Kate Hudson has a new boyfriend? And, really, Kate Hudson? Why do you hate on her sluttery so much? I didn't even think she was a dirty girl until I saw you screech about it like three times in one week on your show. She seems like a strange target to me. Oh, and most importantly - what is with the obsession with midgets? Hasn't some coalition of little people threatened the E! network by now? Seriously... how many times per show does this bitch call at least one person a "nugget?"
6. Rappers drinking cough syrup. Okay, I get why they are doing it - to get f'ed up, obviously. However, I don't get why cough medicine is the drug of choice. If I was rich and wanted a buzz, I wouldn't drink whatever is in the medicine cabinet like some loser on Intervention who just needs a fix. What is wrong with actual booze, or even just taking a handful of perc? Well, that's a question with endless answers, but my point is that I just don't get why all of these rappers are getting pulled over while stoned on Robitussin when they have access to fine spirits, street drugs and prescription meds that you don't have to taste.
7. The color yellow. I've never understood its appeal as a "cheerful" color that is guaranteed to lift your mood. It's the worst color, in my opinion, by far. It just looks dirty to me... like your mom's teeth.
8. The Real Housewives shows. I get why people watch them, but I don't understand the concept behind a series of shows, called "Real Housewives," that features so few housewives. Most of the women on these shows are not married, and most of the married women on these shows are not housewives. I just don't get the point of this show.... but, again, I get why they are popular. I'm just as guilty as anyone for watching anything Bravo tells me to watch.
9. The Nuva-Ring. Uhhhh... from what I hear, this thing just falls out all the time... especially during business time. Speaking of the Real Housewives, I was watching the one from Atlanta once, and one of those "wives" was talking about how she is always finding her Nuva-Ring on the floor. If there is one thing you use that you might want to be dependable above all others, it just might be your BC. I don't get why people rely on this Nuva-Ring. In fact, I know someone who got pregnant while using it, but still uses it for BC. Does it come with a remote control for starting a little anytime-of-day-party-in-your-pants or something that I haven't heard about?
10. Twilight. I don't even want to talk about it.
1. I like that Dos Equis beer commercial with that classy old dude where it says that sharks have a designated week for him.
ReplyDelete2. Yeah, she's gross.
3. Uh, huh. It's all ugly. I can't carry something that I've seen countless little old ladies carrying into the salon on Fridays when they all come in for their shampoo and sets.
4. I have yet to find a pair of skinny jeans that I can stand to wear and fits right. I don't mind leggings if I'm wearing something up top that's long enough to cover my ass. You won't catch me walking around ass out like it's ok.
5. Good point. That show was funny for awhile, but I don't even watch it anymore. I found it funny that she was always calling Tori Spelling a horseface, when, if you look closely at Chelsea's face, why....Horse!
6. LOL That picture is awesome. I'm poor, and you'll never catch me drinking that garbage.
7. Yeah, I've seen people's houses where it looks like they painted the walls with earwax.
8. I don't follow any particular one of these shows, but once in awhile, if nothing else is on, I'll turn one of them on. If a fight doesn't break out within about 5 minutes, I flip the channel.
9. I don't get this crap either. I also don't get people who use these contraptions because they can't remember to take a pill everyday. Come on people. I smoked dope every day for about 8 years and still remembered mine. Kind of important, and not that difficult.
10. Touche', biotch.
Kellee, everything about this blog of mine improved when you started reading it. Your commentary and general participation is highly valued.
ReplyDeleteI have this to add: Tori Spelling may be somewhat unattractive, but I like her, and Chelsea needs to stop busting on people's looks when she is only like 34 and could easily pass for 44. Also - thank you for the comment about earwax colored walls! This is exactly what I mean... I won't hate you too much for wearing a yellow sweater - if you have dark skin or something, it may even look lovely - but for shits sakes, don't paint your walls a color that a white wall would turn if you shut the door and chain-smoked non-stop for a year. It just looks like dirty fingernails!
I would very much enjoy murdering every one of the leather-hide whores that are being passed off as "Housewives" on that chain of shows.
ReplyDeleteThey set a ridiculous standard for girls in this country. They are a great example as icons of the flaws in priority of this country.
Also, Twilight is stupid. Thank you for agreeing.
Come on, Nate... you know you would throw a bone to at least one of those old leather bags. There are like 6 of those shows, each with at least 6 cougars... odds are on the side of you secretly wanting to bump wrinkles with at least one ;)
ReplyDelete