Ask Miss Alanny!

Dear Miss Alanny,
Lately I have been feeling a lot of pressure from some of my friends because of the fact that I am still a single lady, and while for the most part I am perfectly happy to continue to be without a plus one, there are some occasions where it would not totally suck to be all alone. HOWEVER, I realize that I have no idea where to find age appropriate 28-34 year old fellows even if I wanted to. Obviously the internet equals bad with only stranglings and mega bangers. And as I am no longer of college age with access to the smorgasbord of singles, that option is ruled out too. Where should I be looking to find the elusive straightie with a job and a pulse? Does he even exist? Or should I just continue my motto of "que sera, sera" and tell those bitches to quit being so jealous of my single awesomeness?
- Single But Straight-Curious

Thank you so much for writing in, Single.  I can tell that you are a loyal reader, as you've referenced my previous columns, and anyone who is a fan of mine is a friend of mine.  Yes, I am just that open about my self-absorbtion.  Jealous?  I bet you are.

Speaking of jealously, I am so glad, Single, that you are able to see that your "bitches" are jealous of your "single awesomeness."  Isn't is so annoying how your attached friends will consistently point out every single guy in every single room, because you have just GOT to be desperately yearning  to have what all NORMAL single people spend every waking moment DREAMING ABOUT?  You know - doing someone else's laundry, and worrying about what someone else is going to eat for dinner... man, I don't know about the rest of you single people, but I spend most hours of most of my days just daydreaming about a time when I will find the man for whom I've always wanted to make sandwiches and iron dress shirts (so he can go on interviews while he's unemployed, but still not making his own sandwiches.)  Look, my point is that, for some of us, domestic "bliss" is just not a priority, and regardless of where it does fall on our list, it is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.  If I don't bring it up, you shouldn't bring it up.  I honestly never even think about being single unless I meet someone I like, and then I think about that particular person and how I can get him into my web of destruction. (I don't know why I call it that... probably not a good sign for anyone involved, though.)  I think most people are this way; I can't fathom just wanting any breathing body for a boyfriend, just because sometimes it would be nice to have a date for a wedding or something.  Personally, I like to drink so much at weddings that, for several reasons, it is much preferable to go alone - namely, because I don't enjoy worrying about someone else having a good time, and also because wedding receptions are just an open bar away from being the biggest man meat market this side of college.  And most have an open bar, so... no plus one for me, thanks.

Single, if you are saying to your friends anything along the lines of "I'm so sick of being single.  Do you know any available dudes?," or "I need to get laid before my brain forgets about sex all together... do you know any available dudes?," then give your pals a break, because you've invited the pressure they're putting on you into your life.  If this crap they are giving you is unsolicited, then you need to get the monkeys off your back.  I have the following suggestions:

• Make up a boyfriend that they will most likely never meet.  You should consider blackmailing a gay friend of yours into pretending to be this boyfriend in an emergency situation.  Gays are ideal for this 911-fake-boyfriend scenario because they dress nicely and things won't get weird when you don't sleep with him in return for the favor he's bestowing upon you.  You can probably just buy him something, instead.
• Next time you are accosted with the shenannies of the smug marrieds, fly into a rage.  This is my method of choice, but not just about this sort of thing - also pretty much when anything else is pissing me off.  If this sort of behavior would be out of character for you, I suggest going with the first option.*  You don't want anyone thinking that you've officially gone mad from lack of man candy.... which, let's face it, is the only clear selling point that these so called "serious relationships" and "marriages" have going for them.  No worries, though - I'm assuming you have a pet rabbit.  You do, right?  Because... if not, this entire response could be condensed into "Get yourself a toy, and call me if you still think you need a boy."  :)

* The option of conducting a mature conversation with your friends in which you simply ask that they lay off is not on my list because, a) my friends are assholes and I have no point of reference as to how this would work, and b) this will make them even more sure that you are a sad loser who envies their mundane lives.  If you say "I don't like it when you say question my singleness, and I would appreciate it if you would stop holding what you assume my life to be up to the one you want me to believe you have" they will simply hear, "I don't like my life, and it makes me sad that you are so much better at life than I am."  True story - people don't take responsibility when confronted with their annoying behaviors.  We all know I'm not wrong.... although, again, my friends and I are not exactly great at being serious... so maybe only some of us know I'm not wrong.  Still, though, I'm not wrong. ;)

To answer some of your other questions:
I don't know where you go to meet "age appropriate fellows," but I do know that younger guys deserve a test drive.  It probably won't work out in the long run... and everything you think will be a problem will in fact be problematic, but... just, give it a try. You won't regret it... at least, not all parts of it.**   And, the tasty little single babies are much more easily found than this elusive 28-34 set, because here in Ohio, guys call quits on the single life once the hairline starts receding, and get married by 26.  The percentage of 22-23 year-olds that are married is much less than that of those who are "age appropriate!"  I don't know your preferences, but I'm not really into marrieds... or divorcees, or the single dads, or any of this crap.  Though, if you do want to date exclusively around your age (as I assume you, yourself fall into your preferred age group), you may need to broaden your horizons to include the divorced and the with-child(ren).  I'm trying to hold tight to my "no ring, no offspring" policy until I'm 30, at least.  Well, "tight" and "policy" are giving me a little too much credit, but let's just say that I've learned that breaking your own rule makes you a fool, Alanna, you dumb ho... So, anyways, I don't like baggage, but maybe you can handle it, and if so, feel free to set your age preferences to 28-34 on your online dating profile. 

That's right - I implied that you should try online dating.  There are multiple online dating websites, and all of them feature many, many guys with both "a job and a pulse."   (I have to say here, Single, your requirements are pretty low.  If the next thing below the guy you would accept is a corpse, then I think you should either aim higher or not at all.  Maybe I shouldn't be judging you, though, because I care way less if a guy has a job than I do if he has a ponytail.  I mean... you can blame the economy on the job, maybe, but who is to blame for a ponytail?  Right.  No excuses.)  I do mean MANY guys; I personally tried okcupid.com, because it was free and it was recommended by SINGLE friends, and I can vouch that there were plenty of fish in that sea.  (Hey, there is another free dating site called Plenty of Fish, at www.pof.com, by the way..)  If you really want to be dating actively, this is a very efficient way to do it, and trust me, after you spend some time in the online dating game, you will be so disgusted with men  - with all of humanity, actually - that you will no longer have any of these questions and find yourself daydreaming much less about all of that ironing and lunch making, but instead of converting to Catholicism and joining a convent.  If you are already Catholic, then maybe you should just skip all the way ahead.  I just hope nuns are allowed to have pets!

Thanks again, Single, for writing to me!  The last glimpse of my wisdom that I have to bestow upon you is this:  have fun in your single days - whatever that means for you.  I know it's not always easy, because dating can be a nightmare, but hey... at least you don't have to ask anyone if you're allowed to buy a new purse.  I mean, really...that shit kills me.  And they think we envy them!

** I'll save my elaboration here for a later date.

Please send questions!  Please!!!  
missalanny@gmail.com