Ask Miss Alanny!

Dear Miss Alanny,
This is really embarrassing, and I haven't told ANYONE about this.  But what the hell, I need advice ASAP, so here goes nothin'.  Several weeks ago I was out getting wasted after being dumped by my boyfriend.  I met a guy, we started talking, found we had a few things in common (you know how it goes when you're balls drunk, girl), and we hit it off.  To make a long story short, the beer flowed, sparks flew, and I ended up back at his trailer.  The place was disgusting, but the sex was hot, I've gotta say.  Anyways, when I woke up the next day, he wasn't home, so I felt dirty and left.  I probably wouldn't have called him anyways, because I'm pretty sure he's a complete douche, but whatever, it felt like the right move that night!  We've all been down that road.  So, the whole thing was forgotten, up until last week, when I realized he had left me with more than just a blurry memory of some dirty sex in an even-dirtier camper.  So now I have some gross sores that are going to pop up randomly the rest of my life and remind me of that fucking asshole.  Miss Alanny, I know I need to find this bastard and probably kill him, but I don't know anything about him except his first name!  Do you have any ideas how I should go about tracking this guy down?  And I'm up for any ideas on creative ways to murder him!
-Burning with Hatred (and whenever I pee)

Okay...
First of all - I love your name.  It makes me feel like you have a sense of humor, and maybe will take it lightly when I go on to point out how super, DUPER filthy disgusting you are.  I'm not going to call you a slut, because that much is obvious, and who cares if you're a slut, anyways?  Not me.  I do care, however, that you are giving freebies to guys whom you are "pretty sure" are "complete douches."  Uhhhh... Burning?  Don't put your parts on d-bags.  Also, don't admit to hitting it off with them, regardless of how much "the beer flowed."  It's just not a good way to represent yourself.  Not that you have any hope of doing that well, anyways.

So, you're asking if I have any tips about how to track down this disease ridden man whore... Well, you were at his house, right?  So you know where he lives!  Oh wait - you said camper.  I'm guessing this trailer had wheels, and that papa is a rolling stone.  If this dude has taken his sweet ass on down the road, then I'm thinking you've missed your opportunity to track and murder him.  Oh my goodness... I've just realized that this guy is probably a carnie!  CARNIE!  Your county fair was in town a few weeks ago?  Am I right, or am I F-ing RIGHT???

Follow that traveling circus, girlfriend! Figure out where the tents are pitched this week, and take your burning London Bridge to town.  I know you said you don't know his last name, but I'm positive that you remember his first name, because you probably stared at it on his "Poor Jack Amusements" professional carnie attire while you were dry humping behind the Gravitron.  You'll find him...just start asking around at the carnie game booths.  I'm sure every female running a balloon popper will know him by his first name... only.  Just like your filthy ass!  Team up with these hos - in fact, you should probably share some news with them, just in case they haven't experienced the gruesome breakouts that you have... yet.  Anyways - join forces and conquer.  I have twenty tickets for carnie rides that say you'll find him before you reach the 4-H barns.  Well, unless he's back there nailing a corndog saleswoman up against a horse.  Ok, I have twenty ride tickets that say you'll find him either by or in the barns.  Mission accomplished, Burning!

Lastly, if your herped out ass insinuates that I've "been there" and "know how it goes" ever again, I will hunt you down and choke you with your own kitchen weave.  Trust this.  And, I'm keeping my creative murdering "ways" to myself.

Thanks for sending in your question, Burning... even if it made me vom a bit in my mouth.

Yours Through the Flare-Ups,
Miss Alanny

P.S. - Before you put all your energy into finding this guy at the fair four counties over, you should probably go to a doctor... who knows, maybe it's not even an STD.  Maybe you just need to keep your motor a little more clean?  I'll cross my fingers for you, you fast machine!

Send your Ask Miss Alanny questions to missalanny@gmail.com.  Maybe it's legit, maybe it's not... I'm not going to question you.  I don't give a crap if you're writing me about your life, your friend's life, or the life you have in your head... if you want to hear what I have to say about a scenario, just f-ing ask, already!  I'm sick of begging you people!  If you want this plant to grow, you've got to give it some water, people.  Or sunshine... or oxygen.  Photosynthesis, ya'll.