Bonus Blog: I Watched the VMA's So You Don't Have To

Last night, the Video Music Awards were on MTV.  Hosted by Chelsea Handler, and featuring an array of performances by people who will be completely irrelevant by next year's show, I would have to give this broadcast a big, solid F.

Here's a little play by play I've written up for you:

• Show opens with Eminem performing.  He does this song that I hate about not being afraid...and then Rihanna is there, and they start the song about liking the way it burns and such, and it's all... whatever.  I like Eminem, but I'm not into his recent music.
• Chelsea does a dumb skit, apparently about black guys slapping her ass?  Then Lindsay Lohan is there, and she looks disgusting, and there is something approaching humor about Chelsea being a drunk and her ankle bracelet going off.  Chelsea says that just means her table is ready at the Cheesecake Factory... and that will be the closest thing to funny that she says all night.
• Chelsea comes out in some sort of Lady Gaga parody, and it is nothing to talk about, really.  She stops it shortly after it begins, saying they didn't get any further in rehearsal, and I'm sure this was intended to provide a laugh, but it ends up providing a clue to why the rest of her opening bit is so sloppy and seemingly just... unrehearsed.  My goodness, this is terrible.  She does her usual botching of punchlines by giggling through them, but really, there weren't so many of them to botch.  It is not unlike listening to a drunk chick with a microphone. 
• Finally, Chelsea wraps up her clumsy stand-up bit, and Ellen DeG comes out to present Best Female Video.  She talks for about 15 seconds and gets in a funny.  Chelsea should have banned the professionals, because it just makes her look even less equipped for hosting this, or any, show.  So, Lady Gaga wins, which is deserved, because Bad Romance is a really good song with a super creepy video, and Lady Gaga is also one of the only musicians today who are making videos still matter.  In fact, I bet I haven't even seen any of the other videos nominated... not just in this category, either.  I watch videos I hear about on YouTube... and for awhile now, those have only been Gaga videos. 
• Speaking of Gaga, I'm not sure it makes sense to me that she is so awkward when she speaks.  I also don't know if it makes me like her more or less.  Anyways, commercial.
• The first of a series of skits about a Best New Artist Class of 2010 Meet 'n Greet is on, and I guess the joke here is that Chelsea likes to party, so she's trying to make friends with Kesha, who is dressed like a homeless version of Jem.  
• The cast of Jackass 3D comes out to present Best Rock Video.  Johnny Knoxville is still looking sickly sexy, and Bam Margera still looks like a filthy pile of dirty clothes and makes me want to barf.  Before announcing the winner, "Party Boy" strips down.... man, I miss Jackass.  Okay, so 30 Seconds to Mars wins, and I had no idea that this band was taken seriously in any way, but hey, it's never a bad thing to see Jared Leto, now is it?
• "Fashion Icon Kim Kardasian" (really?) is backstage, outside Justin Beiber's dressing room, announcing his performance and talking about her lust for him.  I'm guessing he'll be playing that tape back a few times, and having himself a few moments ;)  Well, maybe he'll just use her other tape, actually...
• Justin Beiber performs outside with a bunch of other teenage dudes, all wearing matching jock jackets, and these other boys make him look like a little tiny baby.  Dumb choice, perhaps, Justin Beiber, but I don't think it really matters... I mean, I don't think you have a hard time getting chicks.  Kim K was most likely kidding about stalking him, but I bet Chelsea would take a bite if given the op.
• After commercial, Kesha and Trey Songz come out to announce Usher's performance.  I have no idea who Trey Songz is, and Kesha is a hag who can't sing, but I'm going to save what I have to say on such a topic until Katy Perry comes out.  Usher sings/lip syncs one song I didn't realize was him, and then goes into that horrible OMG song.  The dancing is impressive, but the spacesuits are not my favorite wardrobe choice, as I think it made the dancing look less fly.
• Oh, speak of the devil - out comes Katy Perry with Nicki Minaj.  Both are dressed like idiots, but I'm not taking the time to describe what they have on... look that up if you're dying to see it.  I don't get the hype about either of these hos, but anyways - they are presenting Best Male Video, and they talk a lot, and none of it is as cute or funny as I'm sure Katy Perry has been led to believe she is, and then Eminem wins, and he isn't here anymore, so Katy Perry hands the moonman to Nicki Minaj and makes a joke about her having fun with him because he's stiff, and I start crying because of how confused I am by this girl's appeal.  
• As usual, the creepy DJ with the digital mouse head on, plays us to commercial.  We are told during the break that a special Chevy produced performance by NERD and Ciara awaits us.  I'm not mad at this, because I <3 Pharrell so much. 
• Back from commercial break, we are at Chelsea's Meet 'n Greet again.  The joke in this one is that auto tune is funny?  That Jason Derulo says his name in his songs all the time?  That Kesha turns down Chelsea's offer of a cinnamon bagel?  I don't know.
• Jared Leto is back!  He and some actress I don't need to care about are introducing Florence and the Machine.  Jared Leto stumbles a bit with the teleprompter, but I think we all know that it hasn't been so long since Jordan Catalano learned to read, so ease up!
• I'm not familiar with this Florence and her machine, but I'm kinda digging this song.  It's like tribal music with a Celtic singer.  I like it.  Especially when she slows it down and then pumps it back up - I love that shit - and then she comes out and dances barefoot with her faux-aborigine dancers, and that just looked really fun.
• Travie Claus comes out to talksing while the digital mouse plays us out to commercial.  He looks super homeless tonight.  I just saw him get a tattoo on LA Ink (not that I know why I was watching that show in the first place), and he is really gross looking without a shirt on.  I'm just saying... he looks really post-gastro.  I think he's cute, though.  
• Back from commercial, Chelsea is an idiot.  She does a dumb joke about riding someone's face home, and her delivery is just ridiculous... I mean, I really hope she is drunk.  In better news, Mercedes, Finn, Kurt and Sue Sylvester are here to present Best Pop Video.  Mercedes says something about loving Katy Perry, and now I will never trust her again.  Anyways, Lady Gaga wins, and Kurt is super adorable, jumping when he announces her name. 
• Back at the Meet 'n Greet, Chelsea tries to touch Justin Beiber's hair, or "wig," as she so hilariously calls it, and he runs out of the room.
• Rosario Dawson and Chris Pine introduce Taylor Swift.  Blah, blah, "Taylor's songs are pages from her diary"... whatever.  I don't have ill feelings for Taylor Swift, but I don't think pointing out how literal her lyrics are is necessarily a compliment. Oh geez, this thing is starting with footage from last year with the Kanye West thing... awkward.  So, now she's singing and playing a guitar that looks like a prop, and she and the setting all look like she's in the 1920's or something, and this song is really serious and stupid.  She puts down the guitar, and the sound of the music changes not one bit, so maybe it really was just a prop.  I actually think it sort of looks like she's lip syncing, too, but I've felt that nearly everyone has looked that way tonight, so I don't know.  Anyways, now she's standing up, and some of the lyrics are on the screen behind her, and I really can't believe that she isn't embarrassed to sing these songs that she writes, this one in particular.  My goodness.  Why would you want to write a song about Kanye West, international d-bag, being "still an innocent," and why didn't someone advise her of how silly this is?  She looks really pretty, though.  Commercial.
• The stars of Social Networking - the dude from Zombieland, some other dude, and Justin Timberlake - come out to announce Drake feat. Mary J. Blige and Swizz Beatz.  I'm sorry, but I thought this performance was seriously lame.
• Back from commercial, Jason Derulo is singing with the mouse.  At least, I think this is Jason Derulo.  Who cares, really?
• Chelsea introduces the cast of Jersey Shore, who are in an on-stage hot tub.  They talk Chelsea into getting into the jacuzzi.  She gets in with her dress on, so I imagine we're she think she's ballsy.  Once Chelsea is sitting in the std soup with the rest, The Situation says, "now we've got a situation!"
• Sophia Vergara (Modern Family) comes out to present Best Hip-Hop Video, and I don't understand a word she says.  Eminem wins again, and he's still not there, so Sophia says she is taking the award to Columbia and he can come get it.  I think Eminem might play this tape back a few times...
• Back to the jacuzzi, Chelsea asks if the tub has been cleaned, and of course they say "nope" in Jersey trash-speak, and then Chelsea gets out of the tub, wearing a prego belly.  The Situation says, "she's got a situation!"  Commercial.
• Selena Gomez and Ne-Yo, two more people I don't care about, are announcing B.O.B., who I've never heard of, with Hayley Williams, who I thought I didn't know, either, but ends up is the lead singer of Paramore, of whom I actually am familiar.  Yay, my old ass.  So the performance starts and it ends up that this B.O.B. dude sings that "Beautiful girls, all over the world, but they've got nothing on you, babe..." song.  Well, he doesn't do the singing part - some Latin dude on the piano does that part.  The song quickly segues into "Airplanes," which I hear about 100 times a day on the radio right now.  I'm not a fan of the song, but I like the way this girl from Paramore sounds.  When this song wraps up, the girl joins who I'm assuming is her own band and keeps singing.  I don't know this song, but she still sounds nice.  She stops singing and the camera cuts to some little blond elf who scares me for a little longer than necessary before I realize that she is just singing us out to commercial.  She looks like Robyn.  Do you remember Robyn?  Well, I was looking for a link to post for a old Robyn song so you had a reference, and it appears that Robyn of the 1990's had an album just this year, so maybe this is Robyn. 
• Back from commercial, two people whose names I didn't understand when coming from the announcer, and whom will never matter in the long run anyways, are here to present Best New Artist.  This award is voted upon by the fans, so obviously Justin Beiber wins.  That song he did earlier was kinda catchy - I'd never heard any of his song before - and, you know what?  I'm not mad at the Beiber.  If I was 12 years old right now, I'd have his face pasted to my bedroom walls.  I know it - he's my 12-yr-old self's type.  I have no further comments until he turns 18, thank you.
• Emma Stone and Penn Badgley are introducing Linkin Park.  I want to point out that it looked like Penn Badgeley barked something at that poor girl when she was slow to start reading her part.  He's probably a total prick... and what kind of name is Penn?  Preppy little bitch.  Anways... Linkin Park... ugh.  According to Emma Stone, they have a number one song right now.  I find listening to this music to be similar to listening to my dog bark crazily and high pitchedly through the door, at the stray cat that hangs out by my trash cans, while she moans and screeches, making sounds that are somehow catlike, even though I've never heard anything like it from a cat.  BUT, I have a confession - I think the lead singer of Linkin Park is cute.  I know!  Commercial
• Finally, the Pharrell I was promised.  Ciara is definitely lip syncing, but I'm not here for her, if you know what I'm saying.  Oh, wait - it's already over. That was like a 30 second performance...  Pharrell was dressed like Tom Morello, by the way.  HOT.
• Chelsea: "MTV has asked me to make an announcement - it is last call at the Kanye West All You Can Drink Cognac Bar.  Please tip your bartenders, MC Hammer and the band Sugar Ray."  Well, kids...that's it.  That is the last of Chelsea's jokes for the night.  If she wasn't already drunk during the show, I highly recommend she start drinking within seconds of walking off stage.  The reviews of her performance are not going to be positive.  She was so unpolished that it was borderline disrespectful of the audience... and we're talking about the MTV viewing audience, so...you failed, Chelsea.  You didn't rise to the level of Carson Daly... or even Jesse Camp.
• Cher is here to present Video of the Year.  Cher!  She is wearing the "If I Could Turn Back Time" outfit, and her I-ti fro looks incredible.  This is positively the best part of this show.  I love Cher!  Lady Gaga wins, of course, and she is now wearing a dress made of meat.  Ok, stuff like this gets on my nerves, BUT, at least she has the talent to combat the "she just needs attention" accusations.  So, whatever.  I think her music is the shit, and if she wants to dress like a clown, I don't care. 
• Aziz Ansari comes out to announce Kanye West.  Oh, Aziz... you're usually so much funnier.  You better run backstage and do some shots with Chelsea.
• I can't stand Kanye West, and this performance does nothing to change that opinion.  Not only is this song terrible - and, in fact, I've never understood the hype over his music - but, his pants are too tight, and it's grossing me out.  
• Chelsea comes out, thanks everyone, says "everybody go get shit-housed" or something similar.  I'm not familiar with the term "shit-housed," but it was bleeped out, and as far as I can tell, that is what was said.  

So, if you have this turd floating around in your DVR, go ahead and flush it.  You're welcome!