Bonus Blog: Happy Labor Day!

Hello!  I don't know how it is where you are, but it is a quite lovely Labor Day here in Cin City!  I'm loving the pseudo-fall weather.  It is glorious outside today, as it was last night for the fireworks.  I wasn't super impressed by the "world's biggest Labor Day fireworks display," personally... I've seen a better show in Faurot Park... but, it was still a nice night to walk up to the river and hang out on the banks with drunken billies.  Anyways - I refuse to do any labor today, so I'm slightly bored and I thought I would stop by while I had a chance in my napping and internet stalking itinerary to share something about myself.  What's the news??  I'm a domestic goddess, that's what!

So, a while back, when we first moved into my apartment, my roommate and I thought about possibly having a housewarming party this weekend.  The party didn't pan out for various reasons... in fact, my roommate wasn't even here all weekend... BUT, I had been looking forward to a Labor Day cheeseball, and I'll be damned if no one coming over was going to prevent me from making one.  My friend Chrissy ended up driving down from Lima yesterday, so I didn't have to eat it all by myself!  I have to think that driving two hours each way for cheese ball and a 30 minute fireworks display means that she's a true friend.  Although, she doesn't read my blog, and I think you all know how I feel about that... well, whatever, proclaiming her dead to me here is fruitless, as she will not read this or care, and like I just said, she's most likely a true friend. ;)

So, onto the business of this blog entry...  I am going to share with you a super easy, yet quite impressive cheeseball recipe!  I make several different kinds, but the one I made yesterday (and also the one I made for my b-day party this year), as well as the easiest one to make, is the Cincinnati Chili Cheeseball!  This one is perfect if you need to make a vegetarian cheeseball, but don't want it to taste like salad dressing (I have made one using Ranch seasoning that was just... not my fave), or if you are feeling like you need to bring some Cincy flavor to a party, or maybe if you aren't eating carbs and therefore can't eat a three-way and need something to appease your chili craving.  Regardless of your reason for opening cheeseball season, this one is super easy to make, wicked tasty to eat, and the recipe follows:

Miss Alanny's Cincinnati Chili Cheeseball:

You will need the following ingredients to make a large (party-sized) cheeseball*:

• 16 oz. (two bricks) of regular cream cheese
• 16 oz (1 cont.) of regular sour cream
• 16 oz of shredded cheddar cheese, Skyline brand if you can get it (better texture); 
• 1 packet of "Cincinnati Chili Recipe" seasoning (Gold Star Chili sells one that works well, also)
• Whatever you choose to garnish/serve with it.  You probably need to buy some crackers if you're having a party.  I like to serve my cheeseballs with cucumber slices and mini-bagels, even if I can't eat those.  

*All measurements can easily be halved to make a smaller, non-party cheeseball.  Just don't eat the entire thing yourself.  I'm serious.

Step One (we can have lots of fun):  Open cream cheese bricks and put into a bowl.  Leave bowl out on the counter for about two hours.  Test softness with a fork; if it's moving around easily when stirring with a fork, it is good to go.

Step Two (there's so much we can do):  Put approx. 1/2 of the chili seasoning packet into the container of sour cream.  Stir until the contents are uniformly mixed.  This means no white spots.  Once thoroughly mixed, pour most of the seasoned sour cream into the bowl with the softened cream cheese.   If your container holds 16 oz., you are looking to add about 14-ish to the cream cheese.  So, don't scrape the bowl dry.  Stir the sour cream and cream cheese up until everything is evenly mixed.  Again - no white spots!  I use a fork for this entire process, btw. 

Step Three (it's just you and me *falsetto implied*):   Add 1/2 of your shredded cheese to the mix, about two handfuls at a time, stirring as you add.  Using two 8 oz. bags of cheese works handily for this recipie, because you will know that you've added enough cheese here when you have used all of one bag, but sometimes it is cheaper to just buy the one bigger bag, so whatever is clever, Trevor.

Step Four (I can give you more):  Once the mix is satisfactorily uniform, you need to taste it.  If you don't think it tastes enough like chili for your liking, then add more of the seasoning directly to this mix (do NOT add more of the sour cream with the seasoning already in it...you will not be able to combat the runny-ness of a too much sour cream problem, so be quite conservative with it's use).  If you add more seasoning, you need to stir VIGOROUSLY to make sure it gets mixed in and isn't hanging around in there in clumps, just waiting to chili bomb someone's mouth.  That concern is the entire basis for mixing the seasoning into the sour cream first.  I think chili bombing the mouth of a guest would be a party foul of the highest degree.  Well, I can think of some worse things to do to a guest, honestly... like, TONS of worse things, actually... but, I think I'm losing focus and I want to finish my first recipe publication!  ANYWAYS - taste and adjust as necessary, with both the chili seasoning and the cheese.  Add more of each as you see fit and stir VERY well.  You should use at least half of the shredded cheese you have, though, just for texture purposes alone.  Just be careful - you can't take it back out once it's in there, dummy.  You can carry that rule straight to the bank ;)

Step Five (don't you know that the time has arri-i-i-i-ved):  Scrape all of the mixture from the sides of your bowl so everything is in the middle.  Spread some wax paper (if you have it... if not, aluminum foil and cellophane work, also) out onto your counter.  Dump your mixture into the middle of the paper, and using the paper and your hands, form the mixture into a ball.  If your ingredients have been out of the fridge for a very long time - like, maybe if they were a perfect texture for you to begin, but you took a really long time to go through the steps because maybe you get confused easily or have never made anything before, and now everything is just a little too loose to stay in a ball - then you might need to use the paper or foil to hold everything into that shape while you keep it in the fridge for a little while.  So, if this is the case - do that.  If your ball is holding up nicely at this point, or if you are getting your droopy ball out of the fridge now and have resumed the process, this is when you use what is left of your remaining cheese and roll the ball in it.  Again, wax paper is really best for this, but if you don't have it, I hope you have a cutting board, or a really big plate/tray, or some other surface that is spacious and that you don't mind rubbing cheese all over.  So, roll your ball until the outside is covered in the shredded cheese, and then put on a serving tray or wrap up in new paper/foil/cellophane for storing until serving.

Keep the cheeseball in your fridge until it is time to serve.  For this one, I like to dump even more cheese on top, if I have it left over, because that is how Cincinnati chili is served.  I'm a fan of presentation, but if you don't think it matters, then just put your ball on a plate, stick a knife it it, and put a box of crackers somewhere in the vicinity.  Everybody likes good balls, and it doesn't take a masterpiece to make a tasty feast.  I just made up that saying... I'm not sure if it even makes sense, but regardless, I don't even subscribe to it anyways, so whatever - it was just to make you people who can't really cook feel better when you also can't make things look presentable.  This is an example of how it tends to look when I present my balls:

Granted, this isn't one of my better trays, as I couldn't find any regular toothpicks, and only had the umbrella ones and also some kama sutra ones leftover from a bachelorette party.  But, anyways - garnish as you choose.  Like I said, I like to use cucumbers, so I always do that, but no crackers or mini-bagels for me during "back to basics," and I thankfully didn't have to put any out since there was no party involved, and Chrissy's decision to come was so last minute that I didn't have time to buy any even if I was that considerate.  I also usually use cheese cubes, especially if I'm doing the little weenies!  I got the smokies since they go well with chili and cheese (like coneys!  I'm so clever), and I'm glad I bought them, because Chrissy filps her shit for some little wieners!  I like to make my guests happy, and if my guest is into tiny wieners, I'm happy to provide those, especially if I am expecting her to eat a cheeseball without crackers. 

So, your cheeseball... um, don't leave it out for more than two hours, if you can help it.  Hopefully, you have more than one person coming over, and the damn thing will be eaten.  I've got 9/10 of a giant party sized cheeseball in my fridge right now.  I'm taking mine to work tomorrow, though.  Seriously, don't make a big one for a two-person party, like I did, unless you just have somewhere to take the leftovers.  You will either eat most of it yourself - which is a terrible idea, TRUST THIS - or you will just throw it away, which is tragic.

I hope you try out my recipe, and I also hope you tell me when you do.  It's time to go back to google where I am diligently trying to find a confirmation that Jonathan from The Spin Crowd is gay.  I will see you later tonight for Crush of the Week :)

Bonus Blog: Ask Madd Hatter!

Dear Madd Hatter,
So, where to begin...I'm going on 30, and my life is, well, just in a rut. I'm married, which is nice I suppose, but it just seems like the same old routine, day after day. A typical day for me is as follows: I get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, clean up after dinner, make my husband's lunch for the next day, set the coffee maker for the next morning, throw some laundry in if necessary, and then settle in for some TV, or what not. In other words, not very exciting. It's a sad situation when the most exciting thing that happens to me all day is watching Deadliest Catch re-runs, know what I'm saying? (Speaking of which, I have sort of a question within a question...Is it weird that I fucking love that show?) So I guess my question, Madd Hatter, is if you have any suggestions/tips for getting myself out of this funk, and spicing up my life a little. I'm ready for some excitement and pretty much up for whatever!
-Eager Beaver

Dear Eager Beaver,
Im just gonna start this out right now by sayn I LOVE Deadliest Catch too and Yes, I cried like a bitch when Capt. Phil died. All Im sayn is that shows not gonna b the same!!! So to answer ur question within a question, NO....ur totally normal to love that show! Hell I got friends who do Deadliest Catch parties for the show, so I mean......who's weird now?!!! ANYWHO.....As Im sitn here reading ur recent question, I cant help but notice u sound like an "Old Soul", as I myself am. Only difference is Im not married nor do I drink coffee. I on the other hand do work and cook and clean and do laundry like a typical HouseBitch! And Ill add my ADULT ADD, which Ive been recently upgraded to, guess 'they' think Im an adult now....sry, I tend to rant off track! But my ADD tends to MAKE me do these things or Id go insane! But on the upside, there R ways to make ur life not so boring....bcuz my God, I cant lie, I wanted to blow my head off thinkn ab bn n ur routine everyday....just sayn! As Im PUSHN 30 like urself, I find Im startn to like to do things I used to HATE my parents and grandparents dragn my ass too. Its fall time so as U know, Ohio is BEAUTIFUL this time of yr. Id suggest getn out and enjoying the weather while it lasts bcuz Im SURE snows gonna b here by Oct! I went Pumpkin pickn last yr and they had a corn maze and I felt like a damn kid! Hell, I even had more fun than the kids! Speaking of Oct......HALLOWEEN! And WHO doesnt love having the living shit scared out of them?!!! I know THIS is what my Octobers consist of.....something haunted every wknd...last yr it was Mansfield Reformatory...talk ab CREEPY! Or u can stick to the "local haunt, TB Hospital"....God that just threw me back to HS! Or b thrown back n2 ur HS days and go TP'n and egg'n good 'ol Mr and Mrs Place' house!!!! Wow....talk ab showing ur AGE!!! Im thinkn u SEEM as tho u MAY have been a former classmate of mine so if ur still n Lima, sneak over and spray the stone n front of the HS that we was NVR allowed to do. We instead spray painted the fuckn roads! Back to u old ppl, I have recently discovered I enjoy goin to festivals and theres all sorts of them this time of yr, check the net for ur local activities! OR....and I was saving this for last, U can just say FUCK IT ALL and go out drinkn and go get so sloppy shitface drunk that u shart urself!!!! Now, I wouldnt suggest getn THIS drunk but go out and enjoy a night or 2 on the town for a change. For fucks SAKE get out of ur house NOW b4 it eats u alive! I can only speak for myself when I say stayn n the routine ur n, will cost u ur friends bcuz no one wants to hangout with Granny Panties and the path ur on, ur DOOMED for them at the ripe age of 29....just sayn!

Well I hope yuns have enjoyed my SECOND advice column, I know Ive enjoyed helpn!

Madd Hatter

Thanks Again, Madd Hatter!  Miss Alanny has found herself BEGGING for questions, but I guess Madd Hatter is the advice master you people truly trust... whatever - just send your questions to missalanny@gmail.com.

Ask Miss Alanny!

Dear Miss Alanny,
Lately I have been feeling a lot of pressure from some of my friends because of the fact that I am still a single lady, and while for the most part I am perfectly happy to continue to be without a plus one, there are some occasions where it would not totally suck to be all alone. HOWEVER, I realize that I have no idea where to find age appropriate 28-34 year old fellows even if I wanted to. Obviously the internet equals bad with only stranglings and mega bangers. And as I am no longer of college age with access to the smorgasbord of singles, that option is ruled out too. Where should I be looking to find the elusive straightie with a job and a pulse? Does he even exist? Or should I just continue my motto of "que sera, sera" and tell those bitches to quit being so jealous of my single awesomeness?
- Single But Straight-Curious

Thank you so much for writing in, Single.  I can tell that you are a loyal reader, as you've referenced my previous columns, and anyone who is a fan of mine is a friend of mine.  Yes, I am just that open about my self-absorbtion.  Jealous?  I bet you are.

Speaking of jealously, I am so glad, Single, that you are able to see that your "bitches" are jealous of your "single awesomeness."  Isn't is so annoying how your attached friends will consistently point out every single guy in every single room, because you have just GOT to be desperately yearning  to have what all NORMAL single people spend every waking moment DREAMING ABOUT?  You know - doing someone else's laundry, and worrying about what someone else is going to eat for dinner... man, I don't know about the rest of you single people, but I spend most hours of most of my days just daydreaming about a time when I will find the man for whom I've always wanted to make sandwiches and iron dress shirts (so he can go on interviews while he's unemployed, but still not making his own sandwiches.)  Look, my point is that, for some of us, domestic "bliss" is just not a priority, and regardless of where it does fall on our list, it is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.  If I don't bring it up, you shouldn't bring it up.  I honestly never even think about being single unless I meet someone I like, and then I think about that particular person and how I can get him into my web of destruction. (I don't know why I call it that... probably not a good sign for anyone involved, though.)  I think most people are this way; I can't fathom just wanting any breathing body for a boyfriend, just because sometimes it would be nice to have a date for a wedding or something.  Personally, I like to drink so much at weddings that, for several reasons, it is much preferable to go alone - namely, because I don't enjoy worrying about someone else having a good time, and also because wedding receptions are just an open bar away from being the biggest man meat market this side of college.  And most have an open bar, so... no plus one for me, thanks.

Single, if you are saying to your friends anything along the lines of "I'm so sick of being single.  Do you know any available dudes?," or "I need to get laid before my brain forgets about sex all together... do you know any available dudes?," then give your pals a break, because you've invited the pressure they're putting on you into your life.  If this crap they are giving you is unsolicited, then you need to get the monkeys off your back.  I have the following suggestions:

• Make up a boyfriend that they will most likely never meet.  You should consider blackmailing a gay friend of yours into pretending to be this boyfriend in an emergency situation.  Gays are ideal for this 911-fake-boyfriend scenario because they dress nicely and things won't get weird when you don't sleep with him in return for the favor he's bestowing upon you.  You can probably just buy him something, instead.
• Next time you are accosted with the shenannies of the smug marrieds, fly into a rage.  This is my method of choice, but not just about this sort of thing - also pretty much when anything else is pissing me off.  If this sort of behavior would be out of character for you, I suggest going with the first option.*  You don't want anyone thinking that you've officially gone mad from lack of man candy.... which, let's face it, is the only clear selling point that these so called "serious relationships" and "marriages" have going for them.  No worries, though - I'm assuming you have a pet rabbit.  You do, right?  Because... if not, this entire response could be condensed into "Get yourself a toy, and call me if you still think you need a boy."  :)

* The option of conducting a mature conversation with your friends in which you simply ask that they lay off is not on my list because, a) my friends are assholes and I have no point of reference as to how this would work, and b) this will make them even more sure that you are a sad loser who envies their mundane lives.  If you say "I don't like it when you say question my singleness, and I would appreciate it if you would stop holding what you assume my life to be up to the one you want me to believe you have" they will simply hear, "I don't like my life, and it makes me sad that you are so much better at life than I am."  True story - people don't take responsibility when confronted with their annoying behaviors.  We all know I'm not wrong.... although, again, my friends and I are not exactly great at being serious... so maybe only some of us know I'm not wrong.  Still, though, I'm not wrong. ;)

To answer some of your other questions:
I don't know where you go to meet "age appropriate fellows," but I do know that younger guys deserve a test drive.  It probably won't work out in the long run... and everything you think will be a problem will in fact be problematic, but... just, give it a try. You won't regret it... at least, not all parts of it.**   And, the tasty little single babies are much more easily found than this elusive 28-34 set, because here in Ohio, guys call quits on the single life once the hairline starts receding, and get married by 26.  The percentage of 22-23 year-olds that are married is much less than that of those who are "age appropriate!"  I don't know your preferences, but I'm not really into marrieds... or divorcees, or the single dads, or any of this crap.  Though, if you do want to date exclusively around your age (as I assume you, yourself fall into your preferred age group), you may need to broaden your horizons to include the divorced and the with-child(ren).  I'm trying to hold tight to my "no ring, no offspring" policy until I'm 30, at least.  Well, "tight" and "policy" are giving me a little too much credit, but let's just say that I've learned that breaking your own rule makes you a fool, Alanna, you dumb ho... So, anyways, I don't like baggage, but maybe you can handle it, and if so, feel free to set your age preferences to 28-34 on your online dating profile. 

That's right - I implied that you should try online dating.  There are multiple online dating websites, and all of them feature many, many guys with both "a job and a pulse."   (I have to say here, Single, your requirements are pretty low.  If the next thing below the guy you would accept is a corpse, then I think you should either aim higher or not at all.  Maybe I shouldn't be judging you, though, because I care way less if a guy has a job than I do if he has a ponytail.  I mean... you can blame the economy on the job, maybe, but who is to blame for a ponytail?  Right.  No excuses.)  I do mean MANY guys; I personally tried okcupid.com, because it was free and it was recommended by SINGLE friends, and I can vouch that there were plenty of fish in that sea.  (Hey, there is another free dating site called Plenty of Fish, at www.pof.com, by the way..)  If you really want to be dating actively, this is a very efficient way to do it, and trust me, after you spend some time in the online dating game, you will be so disgusted with men  - with all of humanity, actually - that you will no longer have any of these questions and find yourself daydreaming much less about all of that ironing and lunch making, but instead of converting to Catholicism and joining a convent.  If you are already Catholic, then maybe you should just skip all the way ahead.  I just hope nuns are allowed to have pets!

Thanks again, Single, for writing to me!  The last glimpse of my wisdom that I have to bestow upon you is this:  have fun in your single days - whatever that means for you.  I know it's not always easy, because dating can be a nightmare, but hey... at least you don't have to ask anyone if you're allowed to buy a new purse.  I mean, really...that shit kills me.  And they think we envy them!

** I'll save my elaboration here for a later date.

Please send questions!  Please!!!  
missalanny@gmail.com

Bonus Blog: Ask Madd Hatter!

Dear Madd Hatter,
In general, I'm pretty much non-stop fabulous. However, when the awesome train does stop, it feels like I've crashed into a wall of realization about my life not being quite how I pictured it would be in my somewhat advance age. I mean, I'm not old or anything - gross - but, you know... I will be one day and it freaks me out! I'm running out of time to accomplish all of the things I'm so clearly destined to, and I occasionally get really mad at myself about it. How do I avoid hitting these "walls" and getting all depressed and losing my fabulous for a few days to weeks?? I've considered becoming an eccentric alcoholic and just calling it a day, but I thought maybe I would ask you first for some advice.
- Fabulously Unstable

Well kids! Im just gonna start this out and say I feel privileged to have a guest spot in the ever so famous Missalannyus blog, the advice column none the less! Let's get to it!

Dear Fabulously Unstable,

First off, lemme start off by sayn you sound to me that your totally convinced that ur SO FABULOUS that you shit glitter. That's all fine and dandy if thats what u wanna believe, but me personally am bothered by ppl like urself who think the world revolves around you. Which leads me to the next point, when the world DOESNT revolve around you and its not all ritz and glammer anymore, you CRASH with sever depression like everyone n the world does. I know, Im one whom up until recently struggled myself with depression and my inner voices. And let me ask, what EXACTLY did u mean by 'advanced age'?? Im mean considering Ive recently discovered Im going thru a "Mid-Life Crisis" they call it...who the FUCK r they?!!! Sry, the voices.....! Im an "Old soul" at the ripe age of 29, yes Im not skeerd to admit it! But Fabulous, Life is what u make of it. You let urself get down bcuz somethings not the way u want it, you shrug that shit off and move on to the next problem. Life is too short! As far as becoming an eccentric alcoholic, I say Id steer clear of our favorite uncles Jim, Jack, my uncle Capt. Morgan, and Old Granddad....cuz they have wayy too cereal (thats 'serous' n english) when it comes to their 'life chats' u have with them. Drinkn is fun but its not gonna solve shit so suck it up, put on ur granny panties and roll with whatever life throws at you. Impossible or not, It is what you make it. And with this said I hoped Ive helped you get back to shitting glitter and making me gag n ur presence w/ur "FABULOUS".

Madd Hatter

Thanks, Madd Hatter!  Dear readers, I believe that Madd Hatter is interested in answering some more questions, so if you have any that you would rather Miss Alanny pass along than answer herself, then please, forward along to missalanny@gmail.com, with "Ask Madd Hatter" in the subject line.  Ask Miss Alanny questions, as well as any other questions, input, or foul insults can also be sent to missalanny@gmail.com.   That's right, bitches - we officially have a site email address.  Do I need to repeat it again?


missalanny@gmail.com

Tuesday Top Ten!

I think we all enjoyed my vacation last week; only one guest blogger bailed, and I think those who pulled through did a pretty great job - even the hateful bitch who came up with ten reasons to hate on me.  Hateful.  Anywho - sorry there was no guest spot for Ask Miss Alanny last Thursday, but hey - I'll try to make it up to you this week with an extra insightful post of my own.  In the meantime, though, we need to get to this week's top ten.

Top Ten Awesome and Not Quite Awesome Things I Did While on My missalannyus.com Mini-Break:

1.  Awesome Thing:  Spent all day at the pool, getting only slightly sunburned, reading about Lady Gaga in Vanity Fair, smoking my fancy smokes cause I can buy them cheap in KY, and then drinking delicious slurpie-style cocktails and eating massive amounts of shrimp and biscuits at the Red Lob.  Glory.

2.  Not Quite Awesome Thing:  Car accident.  My fault.  Dammit.

3.  Awesome Thing:  Watched a bunch of movies on the couch with Hamlet.  We both really like John Hughes Sundays.

4.  Not Quite Awesome Thing:  Didn't get to go to the Allen County Fair, as was planned.  It was intended to be my last blast in food heaven before going Back to Basics (September 1st.), but the stupid sonofabitch that decided to drive down my street right as I was pulling out of my spot without looking completely soiled my Limaland plans.  I would put a list here of things I miss out on eating at the ACF, but I don't want to end up crying myself to sleep... again.

5.  Awesome Thing:  50% OFF ALL SCRAPBOOKING SUPPLIES AT HOBBY LOBBY.  And on the very same day I enjoyed that sale, I enjoyed my first visit to The Original Pancake House.  This may sound like the fantasy day of the President of the Red Hat Society, but I have no shame about my excitement, particularly because I got to eat this:

6.  Not Quite Awesome Thing:  Got into a fight with customer service at Ulta.com.  I don't regret my fury, because that website is faulty and full of misrepresentation, but I do regret unleashing it on the customer service representatives I spoke to.  It probably put more shit bricks in my bad karma wall.  

7.  Awesome Thing:  Got new car insurance BEFORE the accident.  Score!  I had to get a new policy (to begin when my previous policy ended) due to moving to Kentucky, and any good karma points I had somehow earned were probably spent when God's grace guided me to abandon my natural instincts and not wait until the exact last minute to set this up... because if I did, then this stupid fender bender I was just in would have marred my perfect driving record, which, when checked by my new GEICO agent, was just so fresh, so clean. 

8.  Not Quite Awesome Thing:  Spent hours and hours and hours on website improvement related things, and still feel not sure of what I need to do.  Guest blog week made me even more sure that I need to leave this server, but it's not going to be easy.  Seriously, it took me longer to post the blogs other people wrote than it takes me to write my own, mainly due to blogspot's refusal to accept the pasting of things that have been copied.  And then, when I do manage to transfer the verbiage, I can't insert photos within the text.  I just need a better system, and I'm not computer geeky enough to figure it out in the amount of time I've had to spend trying, I guess.  (So, for all of you who were wondering how I was losing blogs, THIS is why I don't write in Word and then paste into blogspot.  It would be like writing it twice.... three times if the damn thing requires photos.  The server of this website that you are viewing, which is www.blogspot.com, is garbage.  Word up.)

9.  Awesome Thing:  Watched a bunch of old episodes of The Office on TBS and remembered how I fell in love with Andy Bernard.  "Saboteur! Saboteur! I'm gonna kill you for real!"  Also - I remembered that I didn't always hate Pam.  In fact, I used to like Pam a lot.  But now Pam is smug and I hate her.  It's too bad, really... but I still love Andy Bernard.  4-Ever. (Unless he gets married to Erin and then they become smug and annoying distractions from the funny parts of the show.)

10.  Not Quite Awesome Thing:  Started working part-time at the place I quit two months ago.  That's right - I've failed at quitting my job.  I put in too much notice... I just couldn't keep emphasizing how much I didn't want to work there by saying "no" to staying around, and then looking at them all day for week after week until my insane 60 day notice was over.  So, anyways, I was convinced to work a part time position until the end of the year.  My last day as a full-time employee was last Wednesday, I had Thursday off, and I started my part-time position last Friday.  And, Friday morning, leaving to work as a receptionist at the place at which I had cleaned out my office just two days prior, I put the front end of my car into the ass end of one passing me on the right, and now... I probably need my old job back so I can come up with my deductible.  In related news, this is my 48th blog post, and I've officially banked $10.69 from ad clicks on this website... not quite awesome.

See you Thursday, for a quite awesome Ask Miss Alanny. 

Crush of the Week!

I sit here watching the E! Fashion Police with crazy ass Joan Rivers (but no Melissa this year, thank you E!), and they are discussing what everyone wore to the Emmy's last night.  Personally, I can't help but think about the people you never see on the Red Carpet.  You know... the fatties.  But fat people are only featured on the 11 o'clock news, and there is no Emmy category for best home interview on local coverage, so why would any of them be invited, you ask?  Well, I have some news for you...

There is a show on television that features obese actors, almost exclusively.  The type of cast that this show has is basically the opposite type of cast that every other show has.  (Ok, there are more thin actors on this show than there are fat tubs on Lost, but this is still easily the most fat people ever featured in a non-fiction television show.)  It is called Huge.

The following things about it are important for you to know:

• It's on Monday nights at 9pm, on the ABC Family Channel
• It stars Nikki Blonsky, aka Tracy Turnblad from one of my all time favorite movie musicals, Hairspray.  She is a really sour little troll on this show, btw.  And she wears cargo shorts all the time.  

And she was so cute back when she could hear the bells!

• It takes place at a fat camp, which is called Camp Victory, which is not as great of a name as Camp Anawana or Camp Cucamonga, but is at least as good as Camp Hope.
• Even though the cast is primarily fat teenagers, there are a handful of fit adults who play the counselors and such... and like my beloved Tony Perkis from Heavyweights, the fitness freaks are sort of d-bags.

And most importantly...

• One of the counselors, George, is hot like Mexico, and his real life name is Zander Eckhouse, and he is my Crush of the Week!!!  Oh, and he looks like this:    

So, this show Huge... it's no Glee, by a long shot, but it's helped me get through the Glee-free summer, and for that, I salute its shorts.  You probably don't know this about me, but I have some sort of strange fascination with movies and shows that take place at summer camps.  Name a camp movie, and I've either seen it or never heard of it.  Anyways, the following points about Mr. Zander Eckhouse are of note:

• His father is James Eckhouse, aka Jim Walsh, father of Brandon and Brenda Walsh, on 90210 proper. Not so oddly, I always found Jim Walsh to be sort of a foxy tv dad.  
• He looks uncannily like a guy I used to know.  *sigh* 
• On the show, George and camper Amber, who is played by David Hasselhoff's daughter (and from what I understand, the one who filmed his drunk ass eating a cheeseburger off the floor), have spent some time together in the woods, getting sort of busy.  I say sort of, because Amber won't let George under her summer camp casuals, and that's because she doesn't like him to touch her stomach.  She has serious self esteem issues, y'all... she even paid for her own fat camp tuition because she hates her bod so much. :(  But, whatever, what you need to know is that I really appreciate the chubby blonde girl and the hot as hades camp counselor getting it on in secret storyline, okay?  

George and Amber, before dark.

So, basically, this hot summer camp romance has got me lookin' so crazy right now!  I went to camp once, you know... nothing that happened there was nearly as awesome as the stuff that happens at fictional camps.  Of course, I went to church camp, not fat camp, which, from what Hollywood leads me to believe, has a lot less chiggers and a lot more boy-girl interaction.  The only sexy fun time I remember from camp was when a spider crawled down my shirt when we were forced to sleep outdoors like boy scouts.  We were girls, Camp Scioto Hills... we were girls!  Also - that wasn't sexy, it was disgusting.  Just not quite as disgusting as what that dirty Bex did with our counselor out into the depths of the very woods in which we were trying to sleep. 

Now that you're all caught up, I have bad news:  the season finale of Huge was tonight, and I don't know when it will come back.   In good news, however, Glee is coming back on September 21st, and that means Finn will be back in my life, and I probably will forget all about Zander Eckerface.  In late breaking news, Joan and fellow Fashion Policemen just named Lea Michelle the best dressed from last night's Emmy Awards!  Did you see?  She looked quite un-Rachel Berry last night.

Rachel Berry Barbie

In sad news, Glee didn't win too many awards at the Emmys, but Jane Lynch aka Sue Sylvestor won for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy and Ryan Murphy won for Best Directing, Comedy.  Not bad!

In salacious news, that dude I used to know was almost just as sickly hot as this dude, and he was also into getting sort of busy in the woods... or woodsy areas, at least.  There was a creek, I think.  Anyways - watching this show makes me really, REALLY miss that little bastardly bastardass bastardface.  But, thanks for the memories, bastardo... I win?

 I see you brought some rope...

Put on your camo, Zander Eckhouse!  You're my Crush of the Week for the week of August 30, 2010!

Fist Pump Friday! Reality TV Roundup: Special SASsafras Edition

So when Miss Alanny agreed to let me write Fist Pump Friday, I don’t think she knew what she was getting herself into. I may be the only person to watch MORE tragic programming than said blog owner. I kept myself busy this week...

Keeping Up with the Kardashians
America's favorite Armenian Whorehouse is opened again for business! In true Kardashian fashion, Kim declares that she has broken up with Reggie AGAIN, and Kourtney is still "working on things" with that loser of a baby daddy, Scott. Since the gals are more mature now, their new weapon of choice is words and accusing each other of having "negative energy" and of being unfit to be around, instead of good old fashioned name calling and hair pulling. Pimp Momma Kris (pimping out Kardashians since 1979, according to her business card) is still selling her children for money, but seems to be losing ground to Khloe, since Rob and Kourtney are now livin' la Vida Odom. Kim also tries to get away from Kris the Pimp when she buys her own house, but Kris invites over a bunch of people and they trash Kim's new pad. Sorry Kim, that's what you get from moving out of Momma's! Pay Up!

It’s ok though cuz Kris taught Kim a thing or two about pimping out your friends. Kim is executive producing...

The Spin Crowd
It's a show about a PR Firm run by her friend Jonathan. I gave it a spin. It's kind of a Kell on Earth-Lite, with less anger and more bitchiness. Jonathan calls his spritely protégé' homely and forces her to get lip injections. She is not enough of a Muppet mouth for his liking. I was under the impression that this behavior was outlawed in the 60's after all of the over-the-shoulder-boulder holder-burnings, but apparently the women’s lib movement didn’t stick in the P.R. world. Anyway, it is abundantly clear that homely in Ohio is much different than homely in Los Angeles. I would GLADLY be called homely if it meant that I rocked beautiful long flowing hair and wore a size 2. Not that Jonathan has much room to talk. He is the spitting image of a cabbage patch kid, and is, according to his business partner, the face of skinny fat. Jonathan goes to a fat melting appointment where the fat is allegedly frozen then vacuumed, trés interessant, but it just looked painful and rash inducing.

And speaking of things that itch, I caught...

The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Finale
Although I was excited to see Caroline put crazy eyed-Danielle in her place, this finale was NOTHING compared to the table-flipping, prostitution-whore name-calling of last season. Danielle STILL claims that she is a victim, as much as the neighborhood broom-riding, cauldron-stirring beyotch CAN be I guess, and declares that she "doesn't think how crazy thinks." In order to stay grounded she consults her energist before rounding up her goons and ex-cons (with guns) to meet little 5-foot-nothing Caroline in a well lit public restaurant. Danielle is clearly a wack job. She will, in fact cut-a-bitch, or at the very least, pistol whip them. THE SHOWDOWN is all Huff and No Puff when they finally meet because Danielle falls victim to amnesia and can't remember any of her evil plotting. I was hoping for another good Jersey chase scene, but Caroline is too composed for that. She settles for calling Danielle a clown and a piece of garbage and Danielle runs away.

Pretty boring for a finale but the reunion promises some...

Flipping Out
I loves me some Jeff Lewis. This week Jeff decided to save a buck or two by collecting human pee from his employees to line the perimeter of his property to ward off coyotes, since mountain lion pee is just too pricey these days. Now most people that I know of in search of human pee are only looking for a clean sample to trick their parole officer, but since Jeff is neither a paroleé nor applying to work for one of the red states, his minions hand over the goods willingly. Old Wile E. is immune to the human pee trick though and sneaks onto the property, Acme truck and all. Jeff picks up a new client, Barb, a very special lady who may, on occasion, pee herself. She’s one of those ladies who should PROBABLY be under lock and key, but since it's California, she is allowed to roam free. Loco Barb is about 70 years old has hired Jeff to help her re-vamp her awful kitchen in the newest wood fashions. Barb really likes wood. She can't get enough wood. Lots of wood. Dark wood. Hard dark wood. She has no interest in any of that white wood crap that is so popular today. And she flaunts this in front of her poor husband. Shame on you Barb.

When it comes to no shame, there’s my favorite hour long advertisement...

Top Chef
Toyotas and Whole Foods and Calphalon, OH MY! Bravo refuses to accept my "no commercial" policy that I adopted when I brought home Steevo-the-tivo and has turned Top Chef into a one hour product pusher. Even though Dial Nutriskin has absolutely NOTHING to do with cooking, those Mad Men at Bravo have managed to incorporate body soap into a foodie show like it’s a cauliflower foam. Touché' Bravo. The texture is nice but the taste is a little too salty for my liking. Tommy C. is looking mighty fine in a lumberjack-chic plaid flannel get up. And the baseball players aren't too bad looking either. They sensually feed each other from skewers in a homo-eroticism that is typically reserved for behind the locker room doors. H-O-T-T, HOT! Annoying Amanda finally got canned. She seems like one of those girls who would blow your boyfriend just for kicks and think nothing of it. I'm glad she's gone. She needed to be drop kicked into the Potomac.

Project Runway
The misfits of the Chantilly lace team managed to pull through a Military inspired victory even though Casanova should have been flogged for sporting a man cleavage-meets-Aladdin-meets-Hans Christian Anderson look. Old Casy had a dramatic diva moment and cried on the couches, but he popped a Prozac and pulled out the win. Self-important Gretchen led Luxe, better known as Sux, in the menswear-meets-camel-toe inspired line. The leftovers from some grandmother's 1976 closet left Sux the losers, and though Gretchen summoned César Chávez and cried "Union!", Kors saw right through it and called her on her bullshit. In the end, Tim Gunn verbally bitch slapped the Sux team for, well, sucking, in jaw dropping eloquence that can only be delivered by Tim Gunn. Oh and A.J. got auf'd.

Jersey Shore
Now I have to admit that I have never watched a full episode of this classic T.V. Masterpiece, but since the fist bump friday is centered around the show, it seemed wrong to miss out. JWOWW played with her own jugs for a while and Snooki tried to explain the logistics of gay to her B.F. Oh wait make that ex B.F. Poor Snooks. But everyone is sympathetic, especially since that is the word of the day, and a big one at that. Snooki burns the pics of the ex and manages not to catch her hair on fire, which is, in my opinion, a big win for her. The boys, who I cannot tell apart, hook up with some questionable ladies, then GTL. I am still a little unclear on why laundry is a conversation piece. It’s what I claim to be doing when I want to get out of something. True story. So the boys, who I STILL cannot tell apart, make dinner and yell at Angelina for being a messy sloppy pig. Snooks and JWOWW plant a note, printed, from a real computer, in Sammi’s drawer. Sammi finds that mystery note from "anonymous" and learns of Ronnie’s indiscretions. Chaos ensues and Sammi and Ronnie break up. Five seconds later, Ronnie has unearthed his phonebook and is calling another chick. Keepin’ it classy Miami!

I am a little pissed at MTV for depriving me of Teen Mom this week, but there’s always next week!

Administrator's Notes:
First of all, this is very witty and quite well written, and I really want to thank SASsafras for taking her time to complete it.  She sent it to me at like, 3:30am, and staying up that late to work on something just for the glory of entertaining my readers is serious dedication to funniness... hats off to SAS.  And, bravo!  Speaking of Bravo...
I also loves me some Jeff Lewis!   And Jenny!  I have no interest in California Real Estate/House Flipping, but I find these people fairly awesome.  You are dead on about Top Chef being insane with the product placement... it's almost like one of those fake commercials on SNL.  I'm not with you in your lust for Tom (yikes), BUT - Amanda is one of the most toxic things I've ever seen on reality tv.  She would not only blow your boyfriend, but she get really defensive if you tried to fault her for it... it fell into her mouth, okay?!  As far as Housewives: New Jersey, I think Danielle is a cartoon... well, they all sort of are, but Caroline and Teresa are caricatures of fabulous mafia wives, and Danielle is just some 50 year old idiot who thinks she's not as ugly or trashy as she is.  She clearly thinks her character is a "cougar" and a "hardass bitch" and whatever, but she's apparently not in on her storyline, because homely girl is as pathetic as those nasty hobags on Bad Girls Club and Rock of Love and all that crap.  I actually wouldn't be surprised if her old ass applied to be on Brett Michael's Love Bus, or whatever. You know who I hate more than both Danielle and Amanda from Top Chef, though?

GRETCHEN.  She gets extra hate from me for the following reasons: 1) making my favorite reality show almost unwatchable, 2) insane self-importance + her own hair being a mullet.  She is my least favorite PR contestant of all times, surpassing Jeffrey and even that weird old dude that kept saying that making clothes "gets him off" and that the horrible crap he made on the show "turned him on."  Thank goodness for Cassanova.... I love him almost enough to make up for her presence... Aladdin clothes and all!  Oh, and Tim Gunn, of course.  Him calling Gretchen a bully made my heart swell... and then she burst my love cloud with more fake crying.  Boooooooo, Gretchen.  Please don't win.

I have only one more thing to say:  I am addicted to the Kardashians and I've been keeping it on the DL.  :(  More about this dirty secret of mine to come, some other day.... maybe.

Anyways - thanks again for the super guest blogging, SASsafras!

Miss Alanny proper will be back on Monday with a Crush of the Week from my favorite show of the summer, HUGE on ABC Family!  Is anyone watching this?  It's about fat camp!

P.S. - The GTL boys are into laundry because it takes serious skill to keep your Ed Hardy t-shirts looking fresh and not faded.  And these dudes need a poppin' T for the club, B ;)