Fist Pump Friday! Reality TV Roundup.

Full disclosure: I am a reality tv addict. I am somewhat easily cured, since I periodically decide that cable is just not in my budge, and going cold turkey off tv seems to work fairly well for me.

Two shows that I truly miss when I'm absent from the cable viewing world are Project Runway and Top Chef.  But, since returning to the world of cable a couple short weeks ago, I have discovered some bad news:  the present season of Top Chef is somehow both sleezy yet boring, and Project Runway is airing while I'm in class on Wednesday nights.  I'll tell you, Project Runway moving to Lifetime is a mess.  Not only did the quality of the show decline, but Bravo (unlike Lifetime) plays every show they air 100 times, and now I never know when I can catch a re-run of PR.

So, anyways, I didn't watch either of those shows this week, but here is a brief review of what I did see.

1.  Ochocinco Ultimate Catch.  I'm no football fan, but I find Chad Johnson/Ochocinco to be an entertaining dude.  I even follow him on Twitter... which I probably couldn't tolerate if I actually ever logged into Twitter, because he is a complete Twitaholic. (Don't call him that too often, though... he might get a bright idea to legally change his name to that...silliness!).  Anycrap, this show is a dud.  Super boring.  The girls aren't skanky enough, first of all, and Chad takes it all sooooooo seriously.  I live in Cincinnati and listen to morning radio every single morning... so I've been hearing about this show for more than a minute now... and yeah, I'm disappointed.  I watched like 20 minutes this week and then my roommate changed the channel to something more exciting, like-

2. Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List. I'm not 100% positive that the episode I was watching was new this week, but it's new-ish for sure. I actually switched to Bravo thinking that Top Chef was on that night, but it was back-to-back Kathy. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not even sure if I watched one episode or the end of one and the beginning of another, but regardless, the following occurred: Tom was caught Ambien-eating and Kathy's dog Chance died. Comedy and tragedy. This show brings it like Billy Shakespere.  (He wrote a whole bunch of sonnets, btw). The highlight was Kathy telling Tom he was growing out of the sweater he bought at Gap Kids. You know what show does NOT bring it?

3.  Last Comic Standing. Is NBC fucking with me? The behind-the-scenes shenannies of this "competition" have been out in the open for awhile now, but for some reason the show is still on the air and still trying to fool America into thinking these people are not only funny at all, but the funniest of them all. And, I think we all know that the funniest of them all is the amazing cast of...

4.  Jersey Shore! The moment we've all been waiting for! The second season of this I-Ti trash treasure returned last night on Mtv.  It was a little lame, since the majority of the hour was spent on the guids moving into the house, and there was WAY too much Angelina-related biz, but it was still an hour of gold, thanks to these tasty nuggets:

• Snooki has her very own guerilla juicehead and is no longer "snookin' for love"... however she totally will have a show at some point where she is both doing that and referring to it as that. Fist pump!
• Snooks and JWoww meet a hillbilly in Savannah, and he "obviously, like, fucks his sister for a living!"  Ha! I <3 Snooki 4-Ev.
• Angelina pretty much tells Mike AND Pauly that she is DTF.  She's so slutty it's almost awesome. Almost.
• Finally, a definitive answer to "wtf is a 'grenade'?!?" FYI - a "grenade" is a fat, ugly chick. Not to be confused with a "land mine" (thin, ugly chick). And Ronnie was getting them all and LOVING IT , per The Sitch
• In the next episode, Vinnie and Snooki are going to do it. So much for Snooki not cheating on her guerilla and also for Vinnie only hooking up with hot chicks.  Personally, I hope they get married.

There you go, kids.  Not only am I blogging on a Friday, but I'm blogging about reality television.  Winner!

Ask Miss Alanny!

so i was married before. i am 'friends' with both my ex and his new wife on facebook. not because i am actually friends with these nutjobs, but because i'm nosy and it's easier than denying them every day that they re-request my friendship. so, it seems that everytime i am online the new wife has to 'attack' me. 'hey, how's it going?' 'hey, saw your new pics.' 'hey, your kid is sooo cute' 'hey, how's your pregnancy going?' seriously. i'm not your friend. but i don't want to deal with the awkwardness of deleting you and then having to re-friend you because you figure it out. ok. so, thoughts/opinions? 
- Not Your Friend, Wife 2.0


Wife 2.0 is capital J-jealous, as well as super insecure.  This ex-husband of yours is probably a serious dickface, who says condescending and otherwise abrasive things to her all the time.  Obviously, this means he is insecure as well, but let's just focus on her.  Her self esteem has been worn down, and she's jealous of you for the following two reasons: a) the dickface she loves used to love you, and b) you have successfully moved on from the dickface.  In accordance with "a," ex-husband probably has this chick convinced that he was a Saint to you, and now she wonders why he was so good to you, whilst he treats her like garbage (not to mention how he's undoubtedly told her you are a major bitch who ruined his life, but yet talks about you all the time and is clearly hung up, and now she's seriously going nuts in the brain trying to decipher the facts and fiction), and in terms of "b," well... you've done something she probably fantasizes about having the balls to do.  Yes, I realize I don't even know this guy, but I have advice-column-writer intuition (it develops within 30 days of deciding that you are qualified to give advice online via an alter-ego who uses a very thinly veiled pseudonym for your actual real-life name).  ANYWAYS - she's developed an obsession with you, and while it might be some coping method for her, it's a pain in your ass.  So, if you aren't interested in becoming besties and helping her through her troubled times, you need to get rid of it.

I have some suggestions for accomplishing Mission: Get Rid.

1.  The next time she chat-attacks, tell her you can't talk.  You have to RUN not walk to the bathroom due to your x-treme pregno-trots.  Unless she's even more of a weirdo than her re-friend-requesting habit suggests*, she won't want to talk to you about "how the pregnancy is going" anymore. 

2.  Try to convince her you don't speak English.  I know this sounds far-fetched, but I've personally chatted online with persons (and more than I care to admit) whom I'm not positive I could vouch for as English-as-a-first-language speakers.  Re-arrange letters so just a vague resemblance to actual words exist, and use as much text-speak as you can think of (or make up on the spot).  For instance, "Hey, how's it going?" should be answered in the fashion of the following example:  "NTB jus figuering out sum ppls probelms 4 em.  LOL im no dr, bwahaha."  <-- Be careful if you use that particular answer, though, because if she can decode that, she might think you are inviting her to unload some of her issues on you, about which she thinks you can provide your expert ex-wife advice.  Yeah, avoid this.  Unless you are prepared to-

3.  Convince her to dump the husband.  You dumped him (I'm assuming), so I'm sure you can come up with some good reasons for her to do the same.  I suspect that if she were done with the guy, she would also be done with stalking you.  I mean, this connection is the only that you have, right?  So, for those of you who are reading this thinking "Oh, Miss Alanny, why can't you be nice and tell her that she should just make friends with this poor girl?," I must point out this:  New Wife is not trying sincerely to be friends with Not Your Friend - she is trying to use Not Your Friend to fulfill her desperate need for information about her husband's life before she knew him, as well as get tidbits about Wife 1.0's life, which she uses to compare/contrast her own life, and thus somehow creepily "sooth"/fuel her own obsessive and self-destructive envy issues.  I know so little about everyone involved in this story, but I dare you to convince me I'm wrong about this.  We've all obsessed over other women.  Most of us are aware that we're being totally heinous during that sort of creepathon, but even the cognizance doesn't always prevent the creepathon from lasting a little too long and getting a little too creepy.  Listen to Miss Alanny, bitches - you must put a cap on the creepiness, even during a creepathon.  You with me?

Not Your Friend, I wish I knew whether or not you've ever talked to Wife 2.0 in real life (that's IRL for when you're using your text-speak, btw).  Unless you are experimenting with online dating and you are chatting up someone you could potentially end up boning, I see no reason to chat online with someone you don't know outside of your computer.  Maybe you should post a status one day which states that you are cleaning up your friends list, and that anyone you don't know personally will no longer have access to your page.  That might soften the blow, but really, you have no obligation to keep either Ex-Husband or New Wife on your friends list, and if you want to prevent her facebook attacks from annoying you, then you should delete her.  And him, too.... because he's a dickface.

*Seriously - who re-requests after being deleted??  Let's make this official:  if you've been de-friended, don't ask to be re-friended.  Even in the incredibly immature and petty world of facebook, it's pretty desperate and sad.**  Just get over it, or figure out a way to fboo stalk without full access.  It's not that hard.  Trust me.

**This rule can be broken in those cases where you don't remember if you deleted someone or if he/she deleted you... cause, dude, that happens sometimes.  Although, most of the time, the answer is:  I deleted you because you committed some serious crime against me.  I can't allow perpetrators to read all of my fascinating daily insights, or view my super sexy pictures, or flagrantly refuse to read my blog even though I quite conveniently link right to it for you...

Thank you so sincerely for the question, Not Your Friend!  Miss Alanny enjoys spending a Thursday night getting long winded... I love you, is what I'm trying to say.  There's just something about you... How are you, btw?  I've looked at your new pics... your son is sooooo cute!  I hope the new bun in the oven is baking up fresh!  I love you!  Keep in touch... TTYL!!! <3 ;)

Don't you want to know what Miss Alanny thinks about your bullshit and baggage?  Sure you do.  Send your questions into alannapants@yahoo.com, or in a message to me at facebook.com/alannapants.  Then blog stalk me, every Thursday evening, and you will probably see your fake name in lights (so to speak).

Tuesday Top Ten!

Top Ten Silver Foxes*

Compose

1.  Dr. Drew

2.  John McEnroe

3.  David Letterman

4.  Cal Ripken Jr.

5.  Dr. Gregory House

6.  Benicio Del Toro

7.  Jon Stewart

8.  Chef Eric Ripert

9.  Miranda Priestly (seriously... M. Streep has never looked better)

10.  Mark Harmon <3 <3 <3 (I don't even watch NCIS... but, oh Chicago Hope do I miss you and Mark Harmon's face)

* Alive.  Obviously, there are dudes like Paul Newman who were hot as hades well into their silver days, but this list is exclusive to the living.


Listen up, gang members:  There will soon be some new additions..  On Fridays, I'm going to start posting a weekly television wrap-up, and on Sundays I'm going to do a product review blog (this week:  Nature's Miracle Urine Destroyer!).  And, next week over here at missalannyus, all posts will share a very special theme... bet you can't wait to see what it is...

Crush of the Week!

This week's Crush of the Week is a Special Silver Fox Edition.  Why?  Because I've just started watching Mad Men.

This old dude's name is John Slattery, and he plays Roger Sterling on Mad Men... on AMC,  Thursdays at 10pm. 

Congratulations, Silver Fox John Slattery.  You are my Crush of the Week for the week of July 26, 2010!  In fact, I believe you have inspired me to create a Top Ten List of Silver Foxes.  I won't post it until tomorrow, of course ;)

There is one downside to my CotW... well, actually with Mad Men and it airing on Thursdays at 10pm.  You see, this is the very same night and time that Jersey Shore Season 2 will be premiering this week.  Which of these shows are going to win the battle for my loyal heart?

Hmmmmm....

Could I pick a Crush of the Week from Jersey Shore?  Uhhhh... no.  Well, maybe in a non-sexual, I-love-you-because-you're-ridiculous-and-at-least-you're-not-Ronnie way.  Or maybe I could pick Snooki.  But, realistically?  No.  So, this point in the match is advantage: Mad Men.

But, I'm not caught up on Mad Men and shouldn't be starting the fourth season yet.  This point goes to the Guidos and Guidettes. 

**The cat is out of the bag that I'm too cheap for a DVR, right?  Just making sure you understand that leaving me a message that says "just DVR the one you don't watch" would be fruitless.**

MTV replays shows about 25 times each episode, so there is another point for Mad Men.  However, Jersey Shore is trashy and faboosh, and will be fun to write about.  Point JS. 

Jersey Shore requires no brainpower.  Point.  Also from the previews, Snooki tries fried pickles and says they've changed her life.  Pretty big point, Snickers.

So..... I'm thinking Jersey Shore is going to be some must-see-tv for me this week.  And I'm even thinking that a weekly review could take the place of "Gleekly Weekly"...I guess we'll see how the premiere episode holds up...

Ask Miss Alanny!

Greetings!  Since I've been out of the office for the last few weeks, and, this week, I was lucky enough to get three questions from one loyal reader, I thought I might as well answer all of them for her (and you!).


If you were ol Bella Swan....would you really choose between the Vampire or the Werewolf or just settle for ol friend Mike who works at the grocery store???
- Vampire Lover

Dear Vampire Lover,
I don't understand a thing you've just said.  I'm assuming this Bella/Vampire/Werewolf triangle is referring to that horrible Twilight nonsense, but... Mike?  Is this a character in the book/movie, or is this a guy at the grocery store down the street from your house?  I'm confused.  If it is a character, then obviously my answer depends on how the actor who plays him in the movie looks.  Duh.  If this is a guy at your local Kroger (or Ray's Marketplace, maybe;), then I really can't have a solid opinion.  Although, my guess is that I would go with Mike, because the Vampire is greasy and the Werewolf is, like, 14 years old.

I just bought a lemonade and cookie from a little girl across the street...the total was supossed to be $1.25 so I gave $3 thinking to myself as I walked back home...this is why I love Summer and the so called american way!!! So what is your idea of the American Way???

Again, I'm confused by your question.  Did you give this little girl a 125% tip because she provided exceptional customer service?  I don't know about this "American Way" you speak of, but I certainly do know that there should be standards for tipping;  good tips are only appropriate in instances of exceptional customer service, and/or freebies and sweet hookups.  Although, even when I'm a satisfied customer, it's more like a 20% tip... I mean, geezy pete, Vampire Lover!  I don't want to live in a world where little girls selling stuff out of their parents' pantry* are making a better living than I am!  If that's the American Way of which you're so fond, then count me out.  I don't want my hard earned cash dollars going straight into the pockets of The Jonas Brothers.  I don't care if that girl told you it was for her college fund... it was for something associated with The Disney Channel.  And I will not stand for this!

 

MmmmHmmm... nice cover, girls.  I bet if I asked you if you mean the state of Georgia or The Republic of Georgia, you would just put on blonde wigs and pretend you were famous pop stars and didn't know where the lemonade girls went.

I've been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 kids...should I be putting a date on this wedding or just accept the fact that i'm mentaly married??

This is simple.

First of all - if you have kids, you are already married.  Perhaps not legally, but bound together for the rest of your lives?  Unless you have a secret that Maury Povich would love to tell your "husband," then I would say that this is a "yes."

If you were to move on from this relationship, it would play out much in the same way as any legal divorce that includes custody, child support, visitation, trying to find a new relationship in which the other person is able to tolerate the fact that you see someone you used to love (and spent five years fucking) anywhere from 1 to 14 times a week (child exchanging and such), and will continue to do so for the forseeable future, as well as look into the so-precious-to-you faces of the fruit of said fucking, all day, every day.  This would be a tough break, to say the least.  Probably not much less tough than if there were a few more papers to submit to the court and you were out the $900 or whatever it costs to dissolve a legal marriage.  (I would like you all to notice how I refrained here from saying that anyone was "damaged goods."  I was close.  Personal growth?  Perhaps!)

Secondly, and as to whether or not you should "put a date on this wedding" already, I ask you this:  Does either Baby Daddy or yourself have Health Insurance or any benefits that the other does not have and could only acquire if legally married?  If the answer is yes, then maybe you should consider setting a date.  Word on the street is that the new health care legislation will be in effect sometime before I'm in my forties, but even then, it will be a much simpler process if those of us who are self-employed/employed without benefits/etc. have it already set up with a company that provides a nice little package for a chunk of your husband's paycheck.  Damn, does anyone out there (as though my readers aren't 100% female/gay male/family) want to get married?  I mean, to me.  No one?  Oh, okay then... I guess I'll wait to see what happens in 2014.  Pray for me and my teeth that haven't seen a dentist in eleven years. 

Thank you, Vampire Lover, for so enthusiastically sending in your questions three at a time!  I really appreciate it! 

*Okay, not to be prejudiced, but I really, really doubt this so-called Little Girl baked those cookies herself.  Or made the lemonade.  Those who make the most are doing the least amount of work.  Am I right, people?!?


Miss Alanny is probably not someone you should be asking for advice regarding things such as marriage, babies, money, vampire movies, or general decision making.... but, she's happy to give it to you anyways!  And you love it!


Ask Miss Alanny, every Thursday night, right here!

Tuesday Top Ten!

I have to admit that I don't really feel like posting this tonight.  Not that I don't love you anymore, it's just that... I meant to do it earlier, and then I got distracted watching videos from the Glee: Live Tour on YouTube, and then I forgot all about it being Tuesday and all, and then I took some Benedryl so I could breathe while I sleep, and then I remembered about how it is Tuesday and all, and now I'm going to force out a Tuesday Top Ten, even though I'm SUPER sleepy.  Don't ever say I've never done anything for you.


Top Ten Things I Love About My New Living Arrangements:

1.  Uhhhh... my new apartment is pretty much the fanciest place I've ever lived.  Not to diss my parents or anything, but... I didn't grow up with a stainless steel Frigidaire side-by-side with ice maker/water dispenser in the door.  But, don't cry for me, Argentina.  It's all good in the hood... NOW.

2.  All I've ever wanted is to live in a real city, in an urban area, where I can somehow both safely park my car and also have the convenience of a business district within walking distance.  I have finally found my perfect spot in this particular zone of the country.  I am technically just a bridge walk to downtown Cincinnati, but since I live in the MainStrausse village in Covington, and I live off Main Street, I am in the epicenter of our own little downtown style strip of boutiques, bars, restaurants, consignment shops, gay bars, uhhh... I don't know, that is pretty much all I need.  Oh!  Farmer's Market!  And oooohh! - this past weekend, I walked up the very street on which I reside and got my eyebrows waxed at the salon on the corner, the inside of which smells really good (sometimes salons smell like rotten water to me), and the time between leaving from and returning to my place was mere minutes.

3.  Speaking of safely parked cars - my landlord was smart enough to create a driveway in the back of the house.  There is no off-street parking in MainStrausse!  Except at our house!  Ha! Sure, we don't have a yard for Hamlet to put poops in, but hey - at the last place I was spending $40 to get the lawn mowed, and now I get to use that money for cable.

4.  Cable!

5.  Vi!  For those of you who don't know Vi - you really should try to, because she is ten different kinds of fabulous.  In fact, our joint fabulosity (as well as jointly working at Lush for a time) is what brought us together.  We wear the same size shoes, which you may know is a huge priority on a roommate checklist.  And, guess what she was listening to when she was unpacking:  Fiona Apple and Garbage.  Really!  We're obviously soulmates. 

6.  Speaking of Lush... you can't begin to imagine how much Lush stuff we have in this apartment.  I don't work there anymore, but Vi is now the manager of the Cincy store, which not only practically makes her a local celebrity, but also means that I can maybe start actually using my bubble bars that I've been saving for the Apocalypse.  And I don't have to buy poor people shampoo to alternate with my Lush stuff anymore!  I can use the good stuff full time and not try to stretch it out like some diva in The Great Depression. Cause, you see, Vi still gets that sweet discount... so we've got a full house of supplies.  And she shares!

7.  Cigarettes are cheaper in Kentucky.  You can smoke indoors in Kentucky.  I will soon be quitting again, I promise, but in this moment in time when I am, in fact, a smoker... the previously mentioned points are valid.

8.  Kentucky-Hot Boys.  Let's just say that when the boys down here are cute, they are cute in a special way that reminds me of the guys you could spot as "townies" when I was at BGSU.  These boys are a good thing, you see, because these are not the boys who break your heart and crush your soul, these are the boys that come in handy for passing the time between those boys who break your heart and crush your soul.  They talk slow, yet deliberate, and it's charming, even when it makes you think they are not so sharp in the nog.  I'm from Lima, yo, I've got a soft spot for country boys.  Just not quite as soft as the spot for scruffy little baby-faced bitches who maybe look like they are in bands or are fucking poets or something stupid like that and just want to be all "lost" and so they appear emotionless and are just mean and selfish, really.  I have the worst taste in the world, I swear to it...I'm sorry, what is the topic again?

9.  Ok, another thing I love about the new place is this:  I have 2 closets in my room.  2!  And both have these nooks above them into which I will shove even more stuff!  And all the closets and nooks have really adorable doors!

10.  I will actually get to see the fireworks at Riverfest this year, which probably sounds really dumb if you don't live here because the Fourth of July is way over and what the F is Riverfest, but... basically Cincinnati throws a party on Labor Day and I have never gone because after like 7am that day you can't even get into downtown.  But I live on the river now, so I'm already at the party!  Tell me this isn't awesome!

Dudes, I am so half asleep right now it is not even funny.  I don't even have the strength to edit this, so my apologies for typos, poor grammar, awkward prose, TMI's, etc.  Night Night.

Crush of the Week!

First of all, I have to offer my sincere gratitude to anyone who is reading this. I haven't blogged in a minute and a HALF, and I really appreciate your return to reading upon my return to writing. We officially have the internet hooked up at the new place, and I no longer have an excuse to neglect my precious project. I'm so sorry, I just can't do public libraries in the summer... waiting to use a computer with a bunch of sweaty pre-teens is just too sick for Rick. (<-- In that scenario, I'm Rick. Bear with me, babies, I'm out of practice and there is no time to reconsider what I'm saying today.)

I am SUPER EXCITED about this week's Crush! I have been saving this specimen of perfection for a special occasion, and I think my return to the light after a two-week period of blog blackout qualifies.

God has never done a better job.  David Beckham, you win.  In life.  You are quite possibly the absolute hottest, sexiest, most physically perfect man alive (now or ever).  You have a British accent (bonus) and you are so ridiculously good looking that no one cares (or knows anything) about your personality.  Including me.  Usually, I say things like "guys have to be funny to be hot" or "I'm not into sporty guys," but... David Beckham transcends types.  In fact, I think most straight guys would let David Beckham transcend their so-called heterosexuality.

Check out this adorable scarf that I bet David Beckham's super hot wife Victoria Beckham gave him!

Even with those horrible, white trash blonde tips, he looks tasty!  How many guys can pull that off?  ONE.

Tattoo enthusiasts should send this man money for taking a little bit of the Jerry Springer stench off of the look.  If he had a lip ring in that picture, I would probably jump through my computer screen.  (I'm a sucker for sleeves and lip rings, my friends, what can I say?  I will be 21 forever.  Just like that disgusting store ;)

Hey, what do you know - as it turns out, the pre-massively-tatted Becks is not doing any LESS in making me want to jump into the computer.  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME HERE, DAVID BECKHAM?!?

For those of you who do not know, I f-ing love Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham.  She is classy and witty and would make an outfit made out of Scotch tape and Charmin look like it was a 10k piece of haute couture.

I know she's kinda grossly skinny, and in real life, without the camera "adding ten pounds," she's probably frighteningly lollipopped.  But, still... I think she's fabulous.  I don't like Posh the way I like Becks (not to be confused with Bex... no, thank you), but I don't hate her the way I tend to hate the baby mamas of beautiful boys, either.

David and Victoria Beckham are the sexiest couple in Hollywood/Sports/The U.K./The Universe/whatever, and really, have no competition.  I mean... I'm not really interested in such a thing, but... say we were playing one of those Who Would You Rather Do? games, and it was a Couples Edition... all I'm saying is that I would give the thumbs down to all the Brangelinas and Tomkats and Speidis and whatever you would call Tom Hanks and his wife, etc.... but I don't think I could turn the thumb all the way upside down for some Posh and Becks.  Might come out like this: 

So, yeah... Congratulations, David Beckham!  You're my Crush of the Week for the week of July 19, 2010!!!

Tuesday Top Ten!

I'm sort on time and reliable internet service, so this Tuesday's Top Ten List will be short and virtually pointless.

Top Ten Dudes I Find More Attractive Than Robert Pattinson:

1. Justin Timberlake
2. JC Chasez
3. Lance Bass
4. Joey Fatone
5. Chris Kirkpatrick
6. Flava Flav
7. Justin Bieber
8. Gary Busey
9. Richard Simmons
10. Mike Tyson

Crush of the Week!

Hello, Faithful!

As you know, I moved into my swank new apartment this weekend, and have been ridiculously busy and  somewhat on vacation from blogging.  Last week, I had a dear friend (although, only a recent follower... hmmm) ask if I would cover a certain someone whom I don't find at all attractive as my next Crush of the Week.  I declined, because I'm not in the business of naming uglos CotW, and so it would make no sense to do so.  But, when she offered to write a guest blog, which would allow me to post this week without doing the work, I had to allow it.  While I don't personally support this whole Twilight phenomena, I certainly don't hold enough against it to give up a chance at laziness.  So, here goes...

Crush of the Week, by guest blogger Abbis Cadabis*:

Due to the fact that the administrator of this site blatantly refused to cover Robert Pattison as a "Crush of The Week" I felt compelled to request to do a guest CotW to satisfy her fans that feel the same way that I do. 

I will be the first to admit that a majority of the reason for the crush is based on the roles he’s played in the films than it does on the structure of his face or the bulge of his biceps. I’m sorry, but I just can’t help but think that if I were the object of his affection he would love me enough to squelch his most primitive needs to protect me, or frickin’ give me a 90mph piggyback ride to the grocery store if I asked him to. 

OK, so I’m not totally delusional. I know that Robert Pattinson can’t really do these things, but I choose not to take the time to remind myself of that when I see him on tv. Do yourself a favor: read the Twilight Saga, watch the movies, watch Remember Me, and make the choice I’ve made and indulge in the fantasy that such a man exists as this. You won’t regret the decision to chance to daydream that Robert Pattinson might be Edward Cullen in real life minus the immortality and the unquenchable thirst for blood. 

Also, don’t mistake my last thoughts to mean that I don’t think Robert Pattinson is by himself an extraordinarily attractive man. What I’m saying is that his looks are enhanced by the fantasy that goes along with him. 

Robert Pattinson, I will be seeing you soon on the big screen.** I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. You are my Crush of the Week. 

The End.

Editor's Notes:

*Abbis, when you see this and wonder how I decided on your blogger ID, and you prepare to yell at me for it, you should check yo'self, fool, because I tried to call you and ask how you wanted to be identified.  And, also - thanks for the guest bloggin' yo!

**Hey, if you're such a Twinerd, why didn't you see the new movie on opening day??  PHONY.