so i was married before. i am 'friends' with both my ex and his new wife on facebook. not because i am actually friends with these nutjobs, but because i'm nosy and it's easier than denying them every day that they re-request my friendship. so, it seems that everytime i am online the new wife has to 'attack' me. 'hey, how's it going?' 'hey, saw your new pics.' 'hey, your kid is sooo cute' 'hey, how's your pregnancy going?' seriously. i'm not your friend. but i don't want to deal with the awkwardness of deleting you and then having to re-friend you because you figure it out. ok. so, thoughts/opinions?
- Not Your Friend, Wife 2.0
Wife 2.0 is capital J-jealous, as well as super insecure. This ex-husband of yours is probably a serious dickface, who says condescending and otherwise abrasive things to her all the time. Obviously, this means he is insecure as well, but let's just focus on her. Her self esteem has been worn down, and she's jealous of you for the following two reasons: a) the dickface she loves used to love you, and b) you have successfully moved on from the dickface. In accordance with "a," ex-husband probably has this chick convinced that he was a Saint to you, and now she wonders why he was so good to you, whilst he treats her like garbage (not to mention how he's undoubtedly told her you are a major bitch who ruined his life, but yet talks about you all the time and is clearly hung up, and now she's seriously going nuts in the brain trying to decipher the facts and fiction), and in terms of "b," well... you've done something she probably fantasizes about having the balls to do. Yes, I realize I don't even know this guy, but I have advice-column-writer intuition (it develops within 30 days of deciding that you are qualified to give advice online via an alter-ego who uses a very thinly veiled pseudonym for your actual real-life name). ANYWAYS - she's developed an obsession with you, and while it might be some coping method for her, it's a pain in your ass. So, if you aren't interested in becoming besties and helping her through her troubled times, you need to get rid of it.
I have some suggestions for accomplishing Mission: Get Rid.
1. The next time she chat-attacks, tell her you can't talk. You have to RUN not walk to the bathroom due to your x-treme pregno-trots. Unless she's even more of a weirdo than her re-friend-requesting habit suggests*, she won't want to talk to you about "how the pregnancy is going" anymore.
2. Try to convince her you don't speak English. I know this sounds far-fetched, but I've personally chatted online with persons (and more than I care to admit) whom I'm not positive I could vouch for as English-as-a-first-language speakers. Re-arrange letters so just a vague resemblance to actual words exist, and use as much text-speak as you can think of (or make up on the spot). For instance, "Hey, how's it going?" should be answered in the fashion of the following example: "NTB jus figuering out sum ppls probelms 4 em. LOL im no dr, bwahaha." <-- Be careful if you use that particular answer, though, because if she can decode that, she might think you are inviting her to unload some of her issues on you, about which she thinks you can provide your expert ex-wife advice. Yeah, avoid this. Unless you are prepared to-
3. Convince her to dump the husband. You dumped him (I'm assuming), so I'm sure you can come up with some good reasons for her to do the same. I suspect that if she were done with the guy, she would also be done with stalking you. I mean, this connection is the only that you have, right? So, for those of you who are reading this thinking "Oh, Miss Alanny, why can't you be nice and tell her that she should just make friends with this poor girl?," I must point out this: New Wife is not trying sincerely to be friends with Not Your Friend - she is trying to use Not Your Friend to fulfill her desperate need for information about her husband's life before she knew him, as well as get tidbits about Wife 1.0's life, which she uses to compare/contrast her own life, and thus somehow creepily "sooth"/fuel her own obsessive and self-destructive envy issues. I know so little about everyone involved in this story, but I dare you to convince me I'm wrong about this. We've all obsessed over other women. Most of us are aware that we're being totally heinous during that sort of creepathon, but even the cognizance doesn't always prevent the creepathon from lasting a little too long and getting a little too creepy. Listen to Miss Alanny, bitches - you must put a cap on the creepiness, even during a creepathon. You with me?
Not Your Friend, I wish I knew whether or not you've ever talked to Wife 2.0 in real life (that's IRL for when you're using your text-speak, btw). Unless you are experimenting with online dating and you are chatting up someone you could potentially end up boning, I see no reason to chat online with someone you don't know outside of your computer. Maybe you should post a status one day which states that you are cleaning up your friends list, and that anyone you don't know personally will no longer have access to your page. That might soften the blow, but really, you have no obligation to keep either Ex-Husband or New Wife on your friends list, and if you want to prevent her facebook attacks from annoying you, then you should delete her. And him, too.... because he's a dickface.
*Seriously - who re-requests after being deleted?? Let's make this official: if you've been de-friended, don't ask to be re-friended. Even in the incredibly immature and petty world of facebook, it's pretty desperate and sad.** Just get over it, or figure out a way to fboo stalk without full access. It's not that hard. Trust me.
**This rule can be broken in those cases where you don't remember if you deleted someone or if he/she deleted you... cause, dude, that happens sometimes. Although, most of the time, the answer is: I deleted you because you committed some serious crime against me. I can't allow perpetrators to read all of my fascinating daily insights, or view my super sexy pictures, or flagrantly refuse to read my blog even though I quite conveniently link right to it for you...
Thank you so sincerely for the question, Not Your Friend! Miss Alanny enjoys spending a Thursday night getting long winded... I love you, is what I'm trying to say. There's just something about you... How are you, btw? I've looked at your new pics... your son is sooooo cute! I hope the new bun in the oven is baking up fresh! I love you! Keep in touch... TTYL!!! <3 ;)
Don't you want to know what Miss Alanny thinks about your bullshit and baggage? Sure you do. Send your questions into alannapants@yahoo.com, or in a message to me at facebook.com/alannapants. Then blog stalk me, every Thursday evening, and you will probably see your fake name in lights (so to speak).
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