Tuesday Top Ten!

Top Ten Silver Foxes*

Compose

1.  Dr. Drew

2.  John McEnroe

3.  David Letterman

4.  Cal Ripken Jr.

5.  Dr. Gregory House

6.  Benicio Del Toro

7.  Jon Stewart

8.  Chef Eric Ripert

9.  Miranda Priestly (seriously... M. Streep has never looked better)

10.  Mark Harmon <3 <3 <3 (I don't even watch NCIS... but, oh Chicago Hope do I miss you and Mark Harmon's face)

* Alive.  Obviously, there are dudes like Paul Newman who were hot as hades well into their silver days, but this list is exclusive to the living.


Listen up, gang members:  There will soon be some new additions..  On Fridays, I'm going to start posting a weekly television wrap-up, and on Sundays I'm going to do a product review blog (this week:  Nature's Miracle Urine Destroyer!).  And, next week over here at missalannyus, all posts will share a very special theme... bet you can't wait to see what it is...

Crush of the Week!

This week's Crush of the Week is a Special Silver Fox Edition.  Why?  Because I've just started watching Mad Men.

This old dude's name is John Slattery, and he plays Roger Sterling on Mad Men... on AMC,  Thursdays at 10pm. 

Congratulations, Silver Fox John Slattery.  You are my Crush of the Week for the week of July 26, 2010!  In fact, I believe you have inspired me to create a Top Ten List of Silver Foxes.  I won't post it until tomorrow, of course ;)

There is one downside to my CotW... well, actually with Mad Men and it airing on Thursdays at 10pm.  You see, this is the very same night and time that Jersey Shore Season 2 will be premiering this week.  Which of these shows are going to win the battle for my loyal heart?

Hmmmmm....

Could I pick a Crush of the Week from Jersey Shore?  Uhhhh... no.  Well, maybe in a non-sexual, I-love-you-because-you're-ridiculous-and-at-least-you're-not-Ronnie way.  Or maybe I could pick Snooki.  But, realistically?  No.  So, this point in the match is advantage: Mad Men.

But, I'm not caught up on Mad Men and shouldn't be starting the fourth season yet.  This point goes to the Guidos and Guidettes. 

**The cat is out of the bag that I'm too cheap for a DVR, right?  Just making sure you understand that leaving me a message that says "just DVR the one you don't watch" would be fruitless.**

MTV replays shows about 25 times each episode, so there is another point for Mad Men.  However, Jersey Shore is trashy and faboosh, and will be fun to write about.  Point JS. 

Jersey Shore requires no brainpower.  Point.  Also from the previews, Snooki tries fried pickles and says they've changed her life.  Pretty big point, Snickers.

So..... I'm thinking Jersey Shore is going to be some must-see-tv for me this week.  And I'm even thinking that a weekly review could take the place of "Gleekly Weekly"...I guess we'll see how the premiere episode holds up...

Ask Miss Alanny!

Greetings!  Since I've been out of the office for the last few weeks, and, this week, I was lucky enough to get three questions from one loyal reader, I thought I might as well answer all of them for her (and you!).


If you were ol Bella Swan....would you really choose between the Vampire or the Werewolf or just settle for ol friend Mike who works at the grocery store???
- Vampire Lover

Dear Vampire Lover,
I don't understand a thing you've just said.  I'm assuming this Bella/Vampire/Werewolf triangle is referring to that horrible Twilight nonsense, but... Mike?  Is this a character in the book/movie, or is this a guy at the grocery store down the street from your house?  I'm confused.  If it is a character, then obviously my answer depends on how the actor who plays him in the movie looks.  Duh.  If this is a guy at your local Kroger (or Ray's Marketplace, maybe;), then I really can't have a solid opinion.  Although, my guess is that I would go with Mike, because the Vampire is greasy and the Werewolf is, like, 14 years old.

I just bought a lemonade and cookie from a little girl across the street...the total was supossed to be $1.25 so I gave $3 thinking to myself as I walked back home...this is why I love Summer and the so called american way!!! So what is your idea of the American Way???

Again, I'm confused by your question.  Did you give this little girl a 125% tip because she provided exceptional customer service?  I don't know about this "American Way" you speak of, but I certainly do know that there should be standards for tipping;  good tips are only appropriate in instances of exceptional customer service, and/or freebies and sweet hookups.  Although, even when I'm a satisfied customer, it's more like a 20% tip... I mean, geezy pete, Vampire Lover!  I don't want to live in a world where little girls selling stuff out of their parents' pantry* are making a better living than I am!  If that's the American Way of which you're so fond, then count me out.  I don't want my hard earned cash dollars going straight into the pockets of The Jonas Brothers.  I don't care if that girl told you it was for her college fund... it was for something associated with The Disney Channel.  And I will not stand for this!

 

MmmmHmmm... nice cover, girls.  I bet if I asked you if you mean the state of Georgia or The Republic of Georgia, you would just put on blonde wigs and pretend you were famous pop stars and didn't know where the lemonade girls went.

I've been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 kids...should I be putting a date on this wedding or just accept the fact that i'm mentaly married??

This is simple.

First of all - if you have kids, you are already married.  Perhaps not legally, but bound together for the rest of your lives?  Unless you have a secret that Maury Povich would love to tell your "husband," then I would say that this is a "yes."

If you were to move on from this relationship, it would play out much in the same way as any legal divorce that includes custody, child support, visitation, trying to find a new relationship in which the other person is able to tolerate the fact that you see someone you used to love (and spent five years fucking) anywhere from 1 to 14 times a week (child exchanging and such), and will continue to do so for the forseeable future, as well as look into the so-precious-to-you faces of the fruit of said fucking, all day, every day.  This would be a tough break, to say the least.  Probably not much less tough than if there were a few more papers to submit to the court and you were out the $900 or whatever it costs to dissolve a legal marriage.  (I would like you all to notice how I refrained here from saying that anyone was "damaged goods."  I was close.  Personal growth?  Perhaps!)

Secondly, and as to whether or not you should "put a date on this wedding" already, I ask you this:  Does either Baby Daddy or yourself have Health Insurance or any benefits that the other does not have and could only acquire if legally married?  If the answer is yes, then maybe you should consider setting a date.  Word on the street is that the new health care legislation will be in effect sometime before I'm in my forties, but even then, it will be a much simpler process if those of us who are self-employed/employed without benefits/etc. have it already set up with a company that provides a nice little package for a chunk of your husband's paycheck.  Damn, does anyone out there (as though my readers aren't 100% female/gay male/family) want to get married?  I mean, to me.  No one?  Oh, okay then... I guess I'll wait to see what happens in 2014.  Pray for me and my teeth that haven't seen a dentist in eleven years. 

Thank you, Vampire Lover, for so enthusiastically sending in your questions three at a time!  I really appreciate it! 

*Okay, not to be prejudiced, but I really, really doubt this so-called Little Girl baked those cookies herself.  Or made the lemonade.  Those who make the most are doing the least amount of work.  Am I right, people?!?


Miss Alanny is probably not someone you should be asking for advice regarding things such as marriage, babies, money, vampire movies, or general decision making.... but, she's happy to give it to you anyways!  And you love it!


Ask Miss Alanny, every Thursday night, right here!

Tuesday Top Ten!

I have to admit that I don't really feel like posting this tonight.  Not that I don't love you anymore, it's just that... I meant to do it earlier, and then I got distracted watching videos from the Glee: Live Tour on YouTube, and then I forgot all about it being Tuesday and all, and then I took some Benedryl so I could breathe while I sleep, and then I remembered about how it is Tuesday and all, and now I'm going to force out a Tuesday Top Ten, even though I'm SUPER sleepy.  Don't ever say I've never done anything for you.


Top Ten Things I Love About My New Living Arrangements:

1.  Uhhhh... my new apartment is pretty much the fanciest place I've ever lived.  Not to diss my parents or anything, but... I didn't grow up with a stainless steel Frigidaire side-by-side with ice maker/water dispenser in the door.  But, don't cry for me, Argentina.  It's all good in the hood... NOW.

2.  All I've ever wanted is to live in a real city, in an urban area, where I can somehow both safely park my car and also have the convenience of a business district within walking distance.  I have finally found my perfect spot in this particular zone of the country.  I am technically just a bridge walk to downtown Cincinnati, but since I live in the MainStrausse village in Covington, and I live off Main Street, I am in the epicenter of our own little downtown style strip of boutiques, bars, restaurants, consignment shops, gay bars, uhhh... I don't know, that is pretty much all I need.  Oh!  Farmer's Market!  And oooohh! - this past weekend, I walked up the very street on which I reside and got my eyebrows waxed at the salon on the corner, the inside of which smells really good (sometimes salons smell like rotten water to me), and the time between leaving from and returning to my place was mere minutes.

3.  Speaking of safely parked cars - my landlord was smart enough to create a driveway in the back of the house.  There is no off-street parking in MainStrausse!  Except at our house!  Ha! Sure, we don't have a yard for Hamlet to put poops in, but hey - at the last place I was spending $40 to get the lawn mowed, and now I get to use that money for cable.

4.  Cable!

5.  Vi!  For those of you who don't know Vi - you really should try to, because she is ten different kinds of fabulous.  In fact, our joint fabulosity (as well as jointly working at Lush for a time) is what brought us together.  We wear the same size shoes, which you may know is a huge priority on a roommate checklist.  And, guess what she was listening to when she was unpacking:  Fiona Apple and Garbage.  Really!  We're obviously soulmates. 

6.  Speaking of Lush... you can't begin to imagine how much Lush stuff we have in this apartment.  I don't work there anymore, but Vi is now the manager of the Cincy store, which not only practically makes her a local celebrity, but also means that I can maybe start actually using my bubble bars that I've been saving for the Apocalypse.  And I don't have to buy poor people shampoo to alternate with my Lush stuff anymore!  I can use the good stuff full time and not try to stretch it out like some diva in The Great Depression. Cause, you see, Vi still gets that sweet discount... so we've got a full house of supplies.  And she shares!

7.  Cigarettes are cheaper in Kentucky.  You can smoke indoors in Kentucky.  I will soon be quitting again, I promise, but in this moment in time when I am, in fact, a smoker... the previously mentioned points are valid.

8.  Kentucky-Hot Boys.  Let's just say that when the boys down here are cute, they are cute in a special way that reminds me of the guys you could spot as "townies" when I was at BGSU.  These boys are a good thing, you see, because these are not the boys who break your heart and crush your soul, these are the boys that come in handy for passing the time between those boys who break your heart and crush your soul.  They talk slow, yet deliberate, and it's charming, even when it makes you think they are not so sharp in the nog.  I'm from Lima, yo, I've got a soft spot for country boys.  Just not quite as soft as the spot for scruffy little baby-faced bitches who maybe look like they are in bands or are fucking poets or something stupid like that and just want to be all "lost" and so they appear emotionless and are just mean and selfish, really.  I have the worst taste in the world, I swear to it...I'm sorry, what is the topic again?

9.  Ok, another thing I love about the new place is this:  I have 2 closets in my room.  2!  And both have these nooks above them into which I will shove even more stuff!  And all the closets and nooks have really adorable doors!

10.  I will actually get to see the fireworks at Riverfest this year, which probably sounds really dumb if you don't live here because the Fourth of July is way over and what the F is Riverfest, but... basically Cincinnati throws a party on Labor Day and I have never gone because after like 7am that day you can't even get into downtown.  But I live on the river now, so I'm already at the party!  Tell me this isn't awesome!

Dudes, I am so half asleep right now it is not even funny.  I don't even have the strength to edit this, so my apologies for typos, poor grammar, awkward prose, TMI's, etc.  Night Night.

Crush of the Week!

First of all, I have to offer my sincere gratitude to anyone who is reading this. I haven't blogged in a minute and a HALF, and I really appreciate your return to reading upon my return to writing. We officially have the internet hooked up at the new place, and I no longer have an excuse to neglect my precious project. I'm so sorry, I just can't do public libraries in the summer... waiting to use a computer with a bunch of sweaty pre-teens is just too sick for Rick. (<-- In that scenario, I'm Rick. Bear with me, babies, I'm out of practice and there is no time to reconsider what I'm saying today.)

I am SUPER EXCITED about this week's Crush! I have been saving this specimen of perfection for a special occasion, and I think my return to the light after a two-week period of blog blackout qualifies.

God has never done a better job.  David Beckham, you win.  In life.  You are quite possibly the absolute hottest, sexiest, most physically perfect man alive (now or ever).  You have a British accent (bonus) and you are so ridiculously good looking that no one cares (or knows anything) about your personality.  Including me.  Usually, I say things like "guys have to be funny to be hot" or "I'm not into sporty guys," but... David Beckham transcends types.  In fact, I think most straight guys would let David Beckham transcend their so-called heterosexuality.

Check out this adorable scarf that I bet David Beckham's super hot wife Victoria Beckham gave him!

Even with those horrible, white trash blonde tips, he looks tasty!  How many guys can pull that off?  ONE.

Tattoo enthusiasts should send this man money for taking a little bit of the Jerry Springer stench off of the look.  If he had a lip ring in that picture, I would probably jump through my computer screen.  (I'm a sucker for sleeves and lip rings, my friends, what can I say?  I will be 21 forever.  Just like that disgusting store ;)

Hey, what do you know - as it turns out, the pre-massively-tatted Becks is not doing any LESS in making me want to jump into the computer.  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME HERE, DAVID BECKHAM?!?

For those of you who do not know, I f-ing love Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham.  She is classy and witty and would make an outfit made out of Scotch tape and Charmin look like it was a 10k piece of haute couture.

I know she's kinda grossly skinny, and in real life, without the camera "adding ten pounds," she's probably frighteningly lollipopped.  But, still... I think she's fabulous.  I don't like Posh the way I like Becks (not to be confused with Bex... no, thank you), but I don't hate her the way I tend to hate the baby mamas of beautiful boys, either.

David and Victoria Beckham are the sexiest couple in Hollywood/Sports/The U.K./The Universe/whatever, and really, have no competition.  I mean... I'm not really interested in such a thing, but... say we were playing one of those Who Would You Rather Do? games, and it was a Couples Edition... all I'm saying is that I would give the thumbs down to all the Brangelinas and Tomkats and Speidis and whatever you would call Tom Hanks and his wife, etc.... but I don't think I could turn the thumb all the way upside down for some Posh and Becks.  Might come out like this: 

So, yeah... Congratulations, David Beckham!  You're my Crush of the Week for the week of July 19, 2010!!!

Tuesday Top Ten!

I'm sort on time and reliable internet service, so this Tuesday's Top Ten List will be short and virtually pointless.

Top Ten Dudes I Find More Attractive Than Robert Pattinson:

1. Justin Timberlake
2. JC Chasez
3. Lance Bass
4. Joey Fatone
5. Chris Kirkpatrick
6. Flava Flav
7. Justin Bieber
8. Gary Busey
9. Richard Simmons
10. Mike Tyson

Crush of the Week!

Hello, Faithful!

As you know, I moved into my swank new apartment this weekend, and have been ridiculously busy and  somewhat on vacation from blogging.  Last week, I had a dear friend (although, only a recent follower... hmmm) ask if I would cover a certain someone whom I don't find at all attractive as my next Crush of the Week.  I declined, because I'm not in the business of naming uglos CotW, and so it would make no sense to do so.  But, when she offered to write a guest blog, which would allow me to post this week without doing the work, I had to allow it.  While I don't personally support this whole Twilight phenomena, I certainly don't hold enough against it to give up a chance at laziness.  So, here goes...

Crush of the Week, by guest blogger Abbis Cadabis*:

Due to the fact that the administrator of this site blatantly refused to cover Robert Pattison as a "Crush of The Week" I felt compelled to request to do a guest CotW to satisfy her fans that feel the same way that I do. 

I will be the first to admit that a majority of the reason for the crush is based on the roles he’s played in the films than it does on the structure of his face or the bulge of his biceps. I’m sorry, but I just can’t help but think that if I were the object of his affection he would love me enough to squelch his most primitive needs to protect me, or frickin’ give me a 90mph piggyback ride to the grocery store if I asked him to. 

OK, so I’m not totally delusional. I know that Robert Pattinson can’t really do these things, but I choose not to take the time to remind myself of that when I see him on tv. Do yourself a favor: read the Twilight Saga, watch the movies, watch Remember Me, and make the choice I’ve made and indulge in the fantasy that such a man exists as this. You won’t regret the decision to chance to daydream that Robert Pattinson might be Edward Cullen in real life minus the immortality and the unquenchable thirst for blood. 

Also, don’t mistake my last thoughts to mean that I don’t think Robert Pattinson is by himself an extraordinarily attractive man. What I’m saying is that his looks are enhanced by the fantasy that goes along with him. 

Robert Pattinson, I will be seeing you soon on the big screen.** I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. You are my Crush of the Week. 

The End.

Editor's Notes:

*Abbis, when you see this and wonder how I decided on your blogger ID, and you prepare to yell at me for it, you should check yo'self, fool, because I tried to call you and ask how you wanted to be identified.  And, also - thanks for the guest bloggin' yo!

**Hey, if you're such a Twinerd, why didn't you see the new movie on opening day??  PHONY.