Dear Neti Pot

Dear Neti Pot,

We're breaking up and this is why:

- I don't like choking on salt water.  Don't tell me some people do...

- In order to decide the burning sensation you cause is worth the relief I might feel 45-60 minutes later, I have to already be in immeasurable sinus pain, and I sort of feel like in an ideal relationship, this is what you would be preventing.

-Sometimes I need to bend down and pick something up at some point in the part of my day that remains following using you, and I will never NOT find it horrifying that a full serving of water pours out of my face when I do this.

- Two days ago, I had something like swimmer's ear for a few hours, and I feel like you might have had something to do with this.  It's January, and regardless of the weather, we both know I don't swim, Neti Pot.   When I'm sick, I barely even bathe, so... unless there was a contact between my head and water that I don't recall, I feel that naming you the top suspect is fair.  Not cool, Neti Pot... earaches make me homicidal.

- I'm sort of wondering if you don't just move my gunk from my face to my lungs.  This is a new theory, based on the way I've been feeling since waking up this morning, and I don't have much more to say about it yet, BUT if I find out this is true, Neti Pot, I assure you that you have entered a world of pain.  Coughing makes me pee.  I can't live this way!

Peace Out,
Alanna

P.S. - I'm not throwing you in the garbage yet, because I have like 60 packets of the sinu-cleanse solution left.  But as soon as I find either a new use or new home for those, you are OUT bcuz we R DUNZO!!!!

Merry Christmas, Baby.... Sure Did Treat Me Nice

MissAlanny[dot]Com Company Christmas Photo, 2010

Happy Holidays and all of this and that.  Thank you for being patient through all of my down time in the later part of this year.  Things will be picking up after the new year, and this I promise you.  And, I mean... OUSTANDINGLY INCREDIBLE things.   I'm going to kick things off with the return of my Top Ten on January 1st, and the first week in January will also see the official return of CotW, which will feature the long awaited and highly anticipated post about Leonardo DiCaprio, in response to all that nonsense about this Michael Pitt person being a "hotter, more masculine and less twatty" upgrade of him.  NONSENSE!  But, we'll get to that later...

So, I have two computers in my possession (my old skoo iMac, which doesn't connect to the internet or open any software other than iTunes, and this p.o.s. laptop I bought bascially just for blogging and facebooking) and both are pretty well dunzo.  Do you remember when people were saying "dunzo"?  I believe this was a Laguna Beach thing.  Yeah, I watched Laguna Beach... Eat me.  Anyways - at this moment, I am blogging from a secret location.  As you can probably imagine, secret locations with internet access are hard to come by, so unfortunately, until I'm able to get a new computer (hopefully by mid-/late-January), my postings will be a little spotty.  But, this does NOT make me "twatty"... whatever the F this term has grown to mean. 

This should give you all plenty of time to come up with some Ask Miss Alanny questions :)  Please?  At this point, it would take a Christmas Miracle to keep that part of this site alive... No questions = No posts, geniuses.  Don't hate the playa... or the game.  What is your problem, anyways?  Stop hatin' me and my game and start sending in questions, already.  Keep the love alive, and whatever. 

Sooooooooo.... Season's Greetings!  I love you and I miss you, but we'll talk soon <3

Classic Convos: Texting with Momz

Date of convo:  12/15/2010
People involved:  Miss Alanny, Miss Alanny's Mother
Topic:  Bad Grandparenting
Helpful Notes for Understanding Context:  I texted my mother two times, and called once, requesting that she log into facebook and see some pictures that I posted of my dog, Sweet Baby Hamlet.  Each time, she responded with an enthusiastic "I will!" of sorts, and I awaited her delightful brand of fboo commentary.  Possibly two whole days had passed and I had yet to see evidence of her fulfilling this agreement.  I now deemed the enthusiasm fake, and was hurt for myself, and my dog child.

Worst grandma ever.  No real ones for you.

What are u talking about

Ham has 2 very important photo displays on facebook and you haven't even looked.

Have too.  Printed them off on my new printer and hung them up on the fireplace.

You didn't comment!

I know.  Sorry I got a call and didn't get back on the computer.

Well his feelings are very fragile and I don't appreciate you making him feel unloved.

Tell him im sorry.  I spoil him at christmas.  Hes gorgous

Yes, he is.  He should be a model.

I agree.

We are going to make our own line of greeting cards.

Cool.  I will buy the . 1st doz. Copies

The first set will feature me as the model.  Hamlet is learning how to take pictures.

OMG. MODEL WHAT.

My skin.

Goodnight alanna

All spelling and punctuation remain unedited.  Old people using texting is so charming.

How To School Your Children

The following is an excerpt from a telephone conversation, taking place on the evening of 11/22/10, between one Miss Alanny, hereby referred to as "MA," and her father, hereby referred to as "BP"...

MA:  I got my hair cut.  It's pretty awesome.  You'll think so.

BP:   Oh yeah?  Kellee cut it?

MA:  Yeah, last weekend.  I think we're going to go a little shorter when I'm home, though. 

BP:  Well, I look forward to seeing it.

MA:  I know you like it when I change my hair.*

BP:  Well, when you were dying it all the time a bunch of different colors...

MA:  I've finally embraced my natural color, dad.  I'm never dying my hair again.  

BP:  Good.

MA:  Now that it's all my real hair, people are always like "you have great highlights" and I'm like, "WORD.  God gave me these."

BP:  You don't actually say "word," do you?

MA: Uh.... well... I don't know if I've had that exact conversation, but... HEY, DAD, I MAKE THE RULES.  IF I SAY IT, IT'S COOL TO SAY.

BP:  Word... (laughing... at me, not with me)

MA:  I say it... pretty often... - SO, THE NEW KIDS AND THE BACKSTREET BOYS WERE ON THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS LAST NIGHT, AND IT WAS AMAZING, AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT**

Aaaaaaaaaand, SCENE.

Maybe I shouldn't take the opinion of a guy that can't figure out how to open this very blog from my new homepage to heart, but... that guy is my dad and he's actually pretty much a boss in the humor department, so I will accept this schooling.  I guess I'm going to be looking for a new word to use in place of the word "word," which I use up to 15 times a day, easily.  I felt like this was coming, anyways, because I read my mom saying "word" on facebook not long ago, and Momz' adoption of my language is generally my cue toward terminology termination.  That woman is always and forever trying to Single White Female all over my fabulosity.  (That just reminded me of how much my mom hates Kimora Lee Simmons. Ha.)  ANYWAYS - do not fret, as we all know that my vocabulary is as vast as one can get.  I will survive.

* So, my dad is the type of guy who would support me if I told him I was having surgery to have my legs replaced with my arms and vice versa, even if he thought the logic behind the decision to do so was not exactly something he could co-sign.  I didn't grow up with strict parents and a lot of rules and blah blah no son of mine will dance, even if he feels like he needs to cut loose, footloose, blah crap.  Show up with scabies, rabies and some illegitimate babies***, and you probably won't hear all that much about any of it, but do NOT show up as a brunette.  I find it absolutely humorous how much my dad hated my hair when I dyed it red in high school, and then REALLY hated it when I died it dark one year (Kellee - do you remember when I wanted to go Chestnut for Christmas?).  He finds the thought of someone who is blond by nature choosing to be anything other than blond just... outrageous!  Seriously, I could have a gotten a face tattoo the day after I got the dark hair and, upon first seeing my brand new face art, my dad would have said, "your hair is still dark."  I am so amused by this.  Oh, I should probably mention that my dad's own hair is Hulk Hogan blond, and naturally so.  I'm dead serious. I am straight up descendant of Vikings, I believe.

** BP doesn't really understand my boyband-obsessive lifestyle, but still... he'll listen to me talk about it.  He's a good dad.  Plus, I think he enjoys anytime I bring up something that could segue into talking about Lady Gaga.  We love Gaga.   She was entirely robbed of Artist of the Year award at the AMA's, btw.

*** Alright, I would have heard a whole lot of things about babies, but you know I'm a slave to the rhyme, so we're going with it ;)

"Pauly Shore was not in Apocalypse Now"

I find this incredibly hilarious (you know, for something I didn't come up with, myself ;).

My two friends from college might also find this funny.  The rest of you might find it funny that I made only two friends in college.

ATTENTION: UPDATE YOUR FAVORITES!

Please add www.missalanny.com to your favorites, or your bookmarks, or whatever you use to easily access your favorite websites!  The new homepage links directly to the new homes of all of my blogs.


You may also find a contact page on my new website, which you are welcome and encouraged to use for sending feedback, love mail, hate mail, and most importantly, for submitting questions to Ask Miss Alanny.  This contact form will allow you to do so anonymously, by the way ;)

Hey, How Are You?

I hope things are well.  I've missed you...

Okay, so I'm sorry.  I know, I know... this has been unacceptable.  But, good things are coming.  This I promise you.

I'm not exactly a professional web designer, but I've been working really hard, and the plan is to re-launch my website on Monday, November 1st.  I think you will likey.  The new website address will be www.missalanny.com, but the blogs will still be set up in blogspot, which will allow for those of you who actually became followers here to use the same login and such for commenting... of which I hope to see MUCH more... and my regular posts - CotW, Top Ten and Ask Miss Alanny - will have their own blogspots, which means you won't have to dig as much when you want to find something... because we all know you think back fondly upon something you remember me saying and just HAVE to re-read it.  Or, maybe you just want to skip all of the rants about dog bathing.  What-evs.  Speaking of the random rants, I'm still going to post under missalannyus, and this is where things like the product reviews, the soon-to-come movie reviews, and my generous tales about the dumb stuff I encounter in life will be posted.

In cancellatory news, Gleekly Weekly is no more.  I tried to blog about the season premiere, and it just... didn't work out.  If you ever want to know how I felt about the newest episode, just ask.  And you can do that on my formspring!  To date, I thought the Premiere was good, the Britney episode was boss, the Grilled Cheesus episode was a downer, the one with the duets (and Artie and Brittany doing it!) was just strange, and this last one, the Rocky Horror one, could have been much better than it was.  I'm really disappointed with the songs so far this season.

Here is the part where I ask you for a favor and all but approx. 3 of you ignore me.  (Funny how those of you who never respond to anything I say here are the ones sending "What's up with the blog?!!?!" messages to me on facebook... but, I digress).  If I post something that you think is funny, or amusing, or even just well-written, or just has some sort of quality that would make you recommend it to a friend, PLEASE link to it on facebook or share it otherwise in whatever way you can.  While it is certainly true that I enjoy this, it is also true that it is a lot of work, and just in case you don't realize - I have made absolutely no money from this.  Not that your help in pimping it out equals me getting fat checks in the mail, but it could mean that my writing comes to the attention of someone who could bring it to the attention of someone who could, oh, I don't know... show a friend who has a second cousin who...
You get the point.  A guy started a Twitter page and posted nothing but quotes from his curmudgeonly old dad, and in less than a year had a book and a sitcom.  I mean, shit happens, my babies!

(Hey, who is excited about Conan?!?  I'm raising my f-ing hand!)

So, the t-shirt thing is still in the works.  If anyone I haven't talked to about it (which at this point includes getting your size/address) would like a missalanny.com t-shirt to wear loudly and proudly around town (hopefully) and in your facebook profile pic (obligatorily... don't forget that part), please let me know ASAP.  I'm not ordering many extras, but I can still fit a few more "street team" members in my budget ;)  I love you, btw.

Last but not least, I have an official facebook page for you to "like" and I'm hoping that those of you who can't figure out how to comment on here will take your business over there.  Please like Miss Alanny! For some reason I couldn't get it to accept the "dot com" part of the name, so please, don't be discouraged by how it seems like you are liking me, the person.  Hey, you guys get that "Miss Alanny" is a pun, right?  Like, miscellany?  And so my blog is called missalannyus, because it's miscellaneous?  What, did you have any better ideas?

I have to go.  I have more television to watch on Thursday nights than I can even handle.  Seriously, why is Thursday so notorious for blowing up a DVR?  But hey, we'll talk soon.  Goodnight ;)