Hiatus

missalannyus.com won't be updated this week.  I'll see you in October?

Tuesday Top Ten!

I don't know about you folks, but when I can't sleep, I spend way too much time online.  I've been off work this past week, which has led to a lot of sleeping-in as well as mid-day napping, which has led to a pretty F'd up sleep schedule.  So, last night/morning, while waiting for the Benedryl to knock me out, I remembered a funny website that my old roommate told me about like a year ago.  You know this - it's Texts from Last Night!
I read terrible texts for over an hour before I fell asleep.  Some made me LOL, and some made me scared for humanity, but all of them made me think that I should peruse my own phone for some gems.  And I did.  And I submitted some to TFLN.  And then it dawned on me... I easily have enough ridiculous conversations on my phone to create a Top Ten List of my favorites.  In fact - why am I submitting content to another website, when I need to be filling my own?!  Dumb.

So, the following is a list of my Top Ten Favorite Text Conversations from my current phone.  Keep in mind that I've only had this phone since the beginning of August... so this is pulled from roughly 6 weeks of texting between myself and my colorful comrades.   The text highlighted in green is mine, and the text in blue is from my anonymous pals.  (This is the way it is in my phone, too!  Special!)

#1
I'm not spending that much on a phone.
Shit, I will.  I love phones that do everything but suck my dick.
For 200, the droid would have to suck my dick.  Constantly.
They are never really 200! They always have some deal on the hot new piece of phone ass...
They are 299 with a 100 rebate.  Dude, I was just there.
Whaaaat?  [her parents] got buy one get one like 3 months ago.
well, maybe bogo, but you still pay 200.  I don't need two phones.
One for business.  One for business time.

#2
I will murder you in your sleep
Oh settle down, you sound like a greaser when you threaten me like that



#3
I've been out of service all day, twat.  Wtf tickets are you on about?
pride night.
at gapb?  $22 = shit seats.
mezzanine... but we could make out in public in the gay section
That is not the way to entice me to go.  Why that night?  And why that section?  Are you trolling for a new gay bff or looking for your next ladyfriend?
Whatever I can get.
oh, ok.  Yeah, I'll let you know.  Furthermore, I think you should know - I'm pooping. Right now.
you are a nasty little troll
No, dude.  Everybody poops.
I feel like i need to distance myself from you a bit.
No you don't.  You just want to distance yourself from my bathroom.  But, it's cool - I lit a candle.
I need space.
It's not me, it's you.
Whatever you want to believe, but I'm not the one texting you about turds.
I was just letting you know how your subjects were doing, since you're king turd.
Hahahahahahaa sometimes you are nearly equal to me in cleverness
I know - those are teh days when I'm slacking
You are on fire tonight.
Every night.  But the doctor said it would clear up in a week or two.
Ahhhh... I didn't realize you had a firecrotch.
Yeah, I got with Lilo before she went back to rehab.
Yikes.  Hey, help me think of hot black dudes.


#4
yes, that was the problem I was having... I was thinking of the whole tale and how insane we might be.
Insane...or pure genius?  I think we're brilliant.
Brilliant yes, but our facination with turning real people into characters is maybe a little insane...just a little
Snl exaggerates real ppl all the time.  Ours might be more than exag tho...
Good point, but can you imagine finding out that someone has made up elaborate stories about a fictional version of you?
Yeah, no one should ever know abt this.

#5
i heard there's a punkin shortage this year so u hoes better grab some up

#6
I'm coming out of the closet.
?
What r u gay?
Ok, just realized I sent that not u.
Ok...

#7
thats good.  well i'm watching house with [her husband] so i should probably wrap this up.
Fine.
sorry turn on house
No I'm working on something in my room
oh masturbation?
Yeah I'm just taking breaks when I text you
is that why you are texting me? gross.
Yeah my mind always goes straight to you when I'm trying to get there you know
I know.  maybe it would be easier just to take a nap and have a wet dream about me.
That's what happened earlier.  That's why you got a random text from me tonight.
i'm not sure you should stay here next weekend you might try to sneak into my room and take advantage of me.  can you control yourself?
I will put my panties in freezer and put them on when you go to bed
I don't even know what the purpose of that is. you can do it if you want though
Are we sexting?  Wtf have you done?
What do you mean what have I done?
You tricked me into talking dirty to you
ok, enough.  i'm watching house.  no more sexting tonight.

#8
like kanye...that was the worst thing ive ever seen...and now this stupid world of jenks show...i dont know why but id just like to find this guy and slap him like a bitch or whip him with a belt

#9
[Panic!] is being a really good date and getting me drinks.
[Panic!] is great - tell him i said so :)
I will
Thanks luv.  Tell him he looks thin too!

#10
Where's my pictures of the reunion bitch?
I sent them days ago... maybe the file is too big.
Must be bcuz i never got them days ago ho
I will send them again tomorrow assface
Send them to me one at a time ya dumbass so that they go thru... ya ignorant ho!
That would be like 30 emails.
thats ok i accept
this wouldn't be a problem if you would just sign up on facebook like every normal person... they are all on there
well im not ur average bear obviously us should already kno that... number two i barely have enuf time per week to check my email...eat my asscakes
Ugh go to bed
bitch u go to bed
dont tell me what to do hobag
I'm going back to sleep.  I hope I don't have a nightmare about your asscakes.
oh dont worry u will have nitemares all nite long abt my asscakes and lionel richie... ur welcome

stay up n talk to me u damn slut

sorry for harassing you last night i was drunk...lol...also i just checked my email and i got the pictures in there after all



Less than one hour till the new Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'll be liveblogging!!!

Crush of the Week!

Glee comes back on tomorrow!  This means it is time for a very special Crush of the Week!

Congratulations to my TV Boyfriend, Cory Monteith aka Finn Hudson!!!!!!!!  You are my Crush of the Week for the week of 9/20/2010... and certainly a candidate for my Crush of the Year!

Two things to note:  although he plays a high school student on the television, Cory Monteith and Finn Hudson are NOT the same age.  Cory Monteith is 28 years old, which is the same age as I, which means nothing about me imagining filthy scenarios with him is wrong or inappropriate... even if I don't really separate him from the character of Finn at all, because I have seen him in nothing else, and also because I just love Finn! Speaking of never seeing him in anything else... I just found out while searching for photos that one of the Urban Legends sequels, UL: Bloody Mary, features Mr. Cory Monteith in the buff.  So...that's the second thing I wanted to tell you.

I'm off to update my Netflix queue, and then I might hit the hay early today... maybe looking at all of these pictures right before bedtime will lead to me having this dream I have sometimes, where I am the host of some sort of show, and I am taking Finn, I mean Cory, on a tour of real Lima, Ohio.... you know, because Glee is set there, and because I am from there...and then maybe I show him the house I grew up in, so he can see that houses in Ohio are not usually California-style Spanish stucco, as they tend to be depicted on Glee... and then... other stuff...

As if NBC was reading my dirty mind, I've just received news that Cory Monteith will be on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon tonight!  I got a DVR today, and I was setting it to record LNwJF anyways, because that show is seriously hilarious, and I'm sorry for myself that I didn't start watching it when it first came on.  What a delightful turn of events!!!

And, I'll leave you with this... a cute little video that I saw in my facebook feed today, posted from the Glee fan page: 
He shows you around Finn's room!  Eerily like that dream I was telling you about!

Glee Season 2 starts tomorrow at 8pm EST on Fox.  My Glee Re-cap, Gleekly Weekly, will resume for the season, immediately following the show.

No Matter What They Take From Me, They Can't Take Away My Dig Nuh Teeeee

Hello there!  I'm sincerely sorry that my regularly scheduled blogs are way off track this week.  I'm on a "stay-cation" (I'm rolling my own eyes), so you'd think that I would have OODLES of time to blog, but between my computer acting like a bitch on the fritz (whatever that means), and my basement smelling up my residence and causing me to have panic fits and nightmares about dead, rotting carcasses, and then other stupid, time-consuming things occurring, like dropping my dog's heart worm pills behind the fridge (this seriously resulted in almost an hour of moving/retrieval/moving back... mostly the moving back part) and catching my oven on fire and having to evacuate my own premises, I've been somewhat busy.  Oh, and then I thought I had the stomach flu on Monday, but I'm feeling okay now, and I don't know what that was all about, but I'm making the choice not to share anymore about it, because... well, if you don't know why I shouldn't provide details of what might be the stomach flu, then you really don't want to hear it.

So, I guess you guys enjoyed the VMA's recap blog, huh?  The single entry views on that blog have beaten my record by twice as many.  That's right - my second most highly read blog, which is my Reunion Recap, just didn't grab the amount of attention that anything mentioning Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift can.  Not surprising, considering I don't imagine that particular entry appealed to anyone outside of the Bath Class of 2000, but who knows what sort of nosy buggers are fishing around in here.

Anycrap, Blogspot now includes a feature that breaks down page hits, and it tells me that, on occasion, this here ramble fest of mine comes up in searches.  I'm no dummy - I know how many people search for Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift, and recapping the VMA's was partially a strategic test.  It was also partially because I'm addicted to the World of Entertainment and I enjoy talking about it.  The remaining part was because I could just type what I was thinking about something I was watching on tv, and it took so little effort and energy, and it resulted in a easy, breezy, beautiful blog, and that is just gravy, baby.  Anyways, now that I know this strategy works (meaning, talking about stuff like celebrities and tv shows and whatnot might bring in new readers), I think I need to make a little regular somethin somethin' happen.

People seem to like recaps.  I have fun writing recaps, particularly about any part of pop culture, as I feel my opinions in that field are of the utmost expertise and should be heard by the masses.  I'm not positive why, really, but I just feel that way.  I'm not even kidding you when I tell you this deep secret of mine:  when I watch those shows with talking heads giving commentary on any old thing - lists of whatever, and especially I Love the (Decades) - in a completely irrational way, I feel hurt that no one called me to add my two cents and give some good sound bites.  I am a First Class, Grade A pundit.... I believe.  When Best Week Ever was on, I felt tortured watching it, because I was so sure that I should have been invited to that party - I mean, there were plenty of unknown nobodyfaces on there, some even younger than me (that hurt more than anything!)... anyways, somewhere during my recognition of my completely unfounded feelings of betrayal, I made the decision to turn my jealously into something more proactive... and then a couple years later I started this blog :)

I've gotten off track, and for that - my apologies.  Not only did I start going off into a tangent up there, but I've actually just returned from taking a mid-blog break.  You see, I was typing up my little column on my laptop in my bedroom like that vile Carrie Bradshaw, when what pops into my head?  The eggs I had put on the stove to boil before I came back here and started typing this!  I ran out into the kitchen and luckily, they were still intact, even though all of the water had pretty much evaporated, and a couple of them were starting to crack.  I put eggs on the stove to boil one time in my first apartment in BG, and went outside with my roommates to smoke... and apparently smoked an entire pack of cigarettes, because by the time we got back inside, the place was full of smoke and there were eggs on the ceiling. This incident of the past, like the one that just occurred, took place during a no-carbs period of time, and I'm wondering if the lack of carbohydrates might equate to absentmindedness.  All the lethargy certainly makes you feel like you might be losing your damn mind.  Anyways, so I got out to the kitchen just in time, and even though I nearly set the place on fire for the second time this week, all is well and I just ate the most delicious salad.  

I've, again, gotten completely off track.  Ok - back to biz.  I was starting to tell you that I'm going to be featuring some regular recapping of some kind.  Obviously, Gleekly Weekly will be starting up again (next week!!!!!), so there's that, but I do realize that not all of my homeboys watch Glee, and while savored by few, that particular blog series will be skipped by many. So, question is - what should I recap?  I'm open to suggestions.  I even have a DVR on the way, in order to best service us in this endeavor.  American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, and any other sort of television clogging, 2 to 3 night a week shenanigan is out, by the way.  In fact, I would like to rule out any reality shows in general, even though I know that isn't possible, since there isn't much else on television, but this brings me to my next order of business...

My frist attempt at bringing in the googling fools, Fist Pump Friday, is over.  Why?  Because after the last time I watched Jersey Shore, I almost gave myself a lobotomy.  Not to get too serious about a show that no one should be thinking twice about, but the misogyny depicted in this trash telethon is just too much for me at this point.  I no longer find it amusing, and I don't want to associate with it in any way. I can't promise that I'm never watching it again, but I can tell you that if The Situation found himself at the bottom of the Hudson River, I wouldn't be weeping. 

See, now I'm back again after taking another break.... this time I got distracted looking for something at bedbathandbeyond.com, and spent a good amount of time debating a purchase of something that I was not looking for at all, but happened upon... as tends to be the case when you don't find what you really want, but apparently have the urge to spend money regardless.  Bed, Bath and Beyond sent me a coupon in the mail, so blame it on them if you want, but really... if I'm being honest... I'm having a difficult time finding the motivation to focus up and write these blogs lately.

In fact, I don't even remember what else I had to say.  I'm going to try to finish up my CotW and Top Ten and post them later.  Due to a complete halt in participation from my readers (not that I ever had much of a surplus of questions coming in), I guess I'm not doing an Ask Miss Alanny this week.  I'm not gonna lie... I'm starting to get bummed out and feeling like this may not be worth it. 

Maybe I'm just a sad little bitch clown this week, guys... I don't know.

Bonus Blog: I Watched the VMA's So You Don't Have To

Last night, the Video Music Awards were on MTV.  Hosted by Chelsea Handler, and featuring an array of performances by people who will be completely irrelevant by next year's show, I would have to give this broadcast a big, solid F.

Here's a little play by play I've written up for you:

• Show opens with Eminem performing.  He does this song that I hate about not being afraid...and then Rihanna is there, and they start the song about liking the way it burns and such, and it's all... whatever.  I like Eminem, but I'm not into his recent music.
• Chelsea does a dumb skit, apparently about black guys slapping her ass?  Then Lindsay Lohan is there, and she looks disgusting, and there is something approaching humor about Chelsea being a drunk and her ankle bracelet going off.  Chelsea says that just means her table is ready at the Cheesecake Factory... and that will be the closest thing to funny that she says all night.
• Chelsea comes out in some sort of Lady Gaga parody, and it is nothing to talk about, really.  She stops it shortly after it begins, saying they didn't get any further in rehearsal, and I'm sure this was intended to provide a laugh, but it ends up providing a clue to why the rest of her opening bit is so sloppy and seemingly just... unrehearsed.  My goodness, this is terrible.  She does her usual botching of punchlines by giggling through them, but really, there weren't so many of them to botch.  It is not unlike listening to a drunk chick with a microphone. 
• Finally, Chelsea wraps up her clumsy stand-up bit, and Ellen DeG comes out to present Best Female Video.  She talks for about 15 seconds and gets in a funny.  Chelsea should have banned the professionals, because it just makes her look even less equipped for hosting this, or any, show.  So, Lady Gaga wins, which is deserved, because Bad Romance is a really good song with a super creepy video, and Lady Gaga is also one of the only musicians today who are making videos still matter.  In fact, I bet I haven't even seen any of the other videos nominated... not just in this category, either.  I watch videos I hear about on YouTube... and for awhile now, those have only been Gaga videos. 
• Speaking of Gaga, I'm not sure it makes sense to me that she is so awkward when she speaks.  I also don't know if it makes me like her more or less.  Anyways, commercial.
• The first of a series of skits about a Best New Artist Class of 2010 Meet 'n Greet is on, and I guess the joke here is that Chelsea likes to party, so she's trying to make friends with Kesha, who is dressed like a homeless version of Jem.  
• The cast of Jackass 3D comes out to present Best Rock Video.  Johnny Knoxville is still looking sickly sexy, and Bam Margera still looks like a filthy pile of dirty clothes and makes me want to barf.  Before announcing the winner, "Party Boy" strips down.... man, I miss Jackass.  Okay, so 30 Seconds to Mars wins, and I had no idea that this band was taken seriously in any way, but hey, it's never a bad thing to see Jared Leto, now is it?
• "Fashion Icon Kim Kardasian" (really?) is backstage, outside Justin Beiber's dressing room, announcing his performance and talking about her lust for him.  I'm guessing he'll be playing that tape back a few times, and having himself a few moments ;)  Well, maybe he'll just use her other tape, actually...
• Justin Beiber performs outside with a bunch of other teenage dudes, all wearing matching jock jackets, and these other boys make him look like a little tiny baby.  Dumb choice, perhaps, Justin Beiber, but I don't think it really matters... I mean, I don't think you have a hard time getting chicks.  Kim K was most likely kidding about stalking him, but I bet Chelsea would take a bite if given the op.
• After commercial, Kesha and Trey Songz come out to announce Usher's performance.  I have no idea who Trey Songz is, and Kesha is a hag who can't sing, but I'm going to save what I have to say on such a topic until Katy Perry comes out.  Usher sings/lip syncs one song I didn't realize was him, and then goes into that horrible OMG song.  The dancing is impressive, but the spacesuits are not my favorite wardrobe choice, as I think it made the dancing look less fly.
• Oh, speak of the devil - out comes Katy Perry with Nicki Minaj.  Both are dressed like idiots, but I'm not taking the time to describe what they have on... look that up if you're dying to see it.  I don't get the hype about either of these hos, but anyways - they are presenting Best Male Video, and they talk a lot, and none of it is as cute or funny as I'm sure Katy Perry has been led to believe she is, and then Eminem wins, and he isn't here anymore, so Katy Perry hands the moonman to Nicki Minaj and makes a joke about her having fun with him because he's stiff, and I start crying because of how confused I am by this girl's appeal.  
• As usual, the creepy DJ with the digital mouse head on, plays us to commercial.  We are told during the break that a special Chevy produced performance by NERD and Ciara awaits us.  I'm not mad at this, because I <3 Pharrell so much. 
• Back from commercial break, we are at Chelsea's Meet 'n Greet again.  The joke in this one is that auto tune is funny?  That Jason Derulo says his name in his songs all the time?  That Kesha turns down Chelsea's offer of a cinnamon bagel?  I don't know.
• Jared Leto is back!  He and some actress I don't need to care about are introducing Florence and the Machine.  Jared Leto stumbles a bit with the teleprompter, but I think we all know that it hasn't been so long since Jordan Catalano learned to read, so ease up!
• I'm not familiar with this Florence and her machine, but I'm kinda digging this song.  It's like tribal music with a Celtic singer.  I like it.  Especially when she slows it down and then pumps it back up - I love that shit - and then she comes out and dances barefoot with her faux-aborigine dancers, and that just looked really fun.
• Travie Claus comes out to talksing while the digital mouse plays us out to commercial.  He looks super homeless tonight.  I just saw him get a tattoo on LA Ink (not that I know why I was watching that show in the first place), and he is really gross looking without a shirt on.  I'm just saying... he looks really post-gastro.  I think he's cute, though.  
• Back from commercial, Chelsea is an idiot.  She does a dumb joke about riding someone's face home, and her delivery is just ridiculous... I mean, I really hope she is drunk.  In better news, Mercedes, Finn, Kurt and Sue Sylvester are here to present Best Pop Video.  Mercedes says something about loving Katy Perry, and now I will never trust her again.  Anyways, Lady Gaga wins, and Kurt is super adorable, jumping when he announces her name. 
• Back at the Meet 'n Greet, Chelsea tries to touch Justin Beiber's hair, or "wig," as she so hilariously calls it, and he runs out of the room.
• Rosario Dawson and Chris Pine introduce Taylor Swift.  Blah, blah, "Taylor's songs are pages from her diary"... whatever.  I don't have ill feelings for Taylor Swift, but I don't think pointing out how literal her lyrics are is necessarily a compliment. Oh geez, this thing is starting with footage from last year with the Kanye West thing... awkward.  So, now she's singing and playing a guitar that looks like a prop, and she and the setting all look like she's in the 1920's or something, and this song is really serious and stupid.  She puts down the guitar, and the sound of the music changes not one bit, so maybe it really was just a prop.  I actually think it sort of looks like she's lip syncing, too, but I've felt that nearly everyone has looked that way tonight, so I don't know.  Anyways, now she's standing up, and some of the lyrics are on the screen behind her, and I really can't believe that she isn't embarrassed to sing these songs that she writes, this one in particular.  My goodness.  Why would you want to write a song about Kanye West, international d-bag, being "still an innocent," and why didn't someone advise her of how silly this is?  She looks really pretty, though.  Commercial.
• The stars of Social Networking - the dude from Zombieland, some other dude, and Justin Timberlake - come out to announce Drake feat. Mary J. Blige and Swizz Beatz.  I'm sorry, but I thought this performance was seriously lame.
• Back from commercial, Jason Derulo is singing with the mouse.  At least, I think this is Jason Derulo.  Who cares, really?
• Chelsea introduces the cast of Jersey Shore, who are in an on-stage hot tub.  They talk Chelsea into getting into the jacuzzi.  She gets in with her dress on, so I imagine we're she think she's ballsy.  Once Chelsea is sitting in the std soup with the rest, The Situation says, "now we've got a situation!"
• Sophia Vergara (Modern Family) comes out to present Best Hip-Hop Video, and I don't understand a word she says.  Eminem wins again, and he's still not there, so Sophia says she is taking the award to Columbia and he can come get it.  I think Eminem might play this tape back a few times...
• Back to the jacuzzi, Chelsea asks if the tub has been cleaned, and of course they say "nope" in Jersey trash-speak, and then Chelsea gets out of the tub, wearing a prego belly.  The Situation says, "she's got a situation!"  Commercial.
• Selena Gomez and Ne-Yo, two more people I don't care about, are announcing B.O.B., who I've never heard of, with Hayley Williams, who I thought I didn't know, either, but ends up is the lead singer of Paramore, of whom I actually am familiar.  Yay, my old ass.  So the performance starts and it ends up that this B.O.B. dude sings that "Beautiful girls, all over the world, but they've got nothing on you, babe..." song.  Well, he doesn't do the singing part - some Latin dude on the piano does that part.  The song quickly segues into "Airplanes," which I hear about 100 times a day on the radio right now.  I'm not a fan of the song, but I like the way this girl from Paramore sounds.  When this song wraps up, the girl joins who I'm assuming is her own band and keeps singing.  I don't know this song, but she still sounds nice.  She stops singing and the camera cuts to some little blond elf who scares me for a little longer than necessary before I realize that she is just singing us out to commercial.  She looks like Robyn.  Do you remember Robyn?  Well, I was looking for a link to post for a old Robyn song so you had a reference, and it appears that Robyn of the 1990's had an album just this year, so maybe this is Robyn. 
• Back from commercial, two people whose names I didn't understand when coming from the announcer, and whom will never matter in the long run anyways, are here to present Best New Artist.  This award is voted upon by the fans, so obviously Justin Beiber wins.  That song he did earlier was kinda catchy - I'd never heard any of his song before - and, you know what?  I'm not mad at the Beiber.  If I was 12 years old right now, I'd have his face pasted to my bedroom walls.  I know it - he's my 12-yr-old self's type.  I have no further comments until he turns 18, thank you.
• Emma Stone and Penn Badgley are introducing Linkin Park.  I want to point out that it looked like Penn Badgeley barked something at that poor girl when she was slow to start reading her part.  He's probably a total prick... and what kind of name is Penn?  Preppy little bitch.  Anways... Linkin Park... ugh.  According to Emma Stone, they have a number one song right now.  I find listening to this music to be similar to listening to my dog bark crazily and high pitchedly through the door, at the stray cat that hangs out by my trash cans, while she moans and screeches, making sounds that are somehow catlike, even though I've never heard anything like it from a cat.  BUT, I have a confession - I think the lead singer of Linkin Park is cute.  I know!  Commercial
• Finally, the Pharrell I was promised.  Ciara is definitely lip syncing, but I'm not here for her, if you know what I'm saying.  Oh, wait - it's already over. That was like a 30 second performance...  Pharrell was dressed like Tom Morello, by the way.  HOT.
• Chelsea: "MTV has asked me to make an announcement - it is last call at the Kanye West All You Can Drink Cognac Bar.  Please tip your bartenders, MC Hammer and the band Sugar Ray."  Well, kids...that's it.  That is the last of Chelsea's jokes for the night.  If she wasn't already drunk during the show, I highly recommend she start drinking within seconds of walking off stage.  The reviews of her performance are not going to be positive.  She was so unpolished that it was borderline disrespectful of the audience... and we're talking about the MTV viewing audience, so...you failed, Chelsea.  You didn't rise to the level of Carson Daly... or even Jesse Camp.
• Cher is here to present Video of the Year.  Cher!  She is wearing the "If I Could Turn Back Time" outfit, and her I-ti fro looks incredible.  This is positively the best part of this show.  I love Cher!  Lady Gaga wins, of course, and she is now wearing a dress made of meat.  Ok, stuff like this gets on my nerves, BUT, at least she has the talent to combat the "she just needs attention" accusations.  So, whatever.  I think her music is the shit, and if she wants to dress like a clown, I don't care. 
• Aziz Ansari comes out to announce Kanye West.  Oh, Aziz... you're usually so much funnier.  You better run backstage and do some shots with Chelsea.
• I can't stand Kanye West, and this performance does nothing to change that opinion.  Not only is this song terrible - and, in fact, I've never understood the hype over his music - but, his pants are too tight, and it's grossing me out.  
• Chelsea comes out, thanks everyone, says "everybody go get shit-housed" or something similar.  I'm not familiar with the term "shit-housed," but it was bleeped out, and as far as I can tell, that is what was said.  

So, if you have this turd floating around in your DVR, go ahead and flush it.  You're welcome!

Have You Seen This Man?

Burning with Hatred (and also When I Pee) sent me a message today, thanking me for my insightful post.  It appears that I guessed correctly... the dirty camper sex was indeed with a carnie.  A CARNIE!!!

Anyways, that filthy sausage basket is hellbent on finding this dude... (just between me and you, I'm not sure she's really just seeking revenge... I think she wants some more of his dirt up her skirt... I mean, she's probably thinking what I would be thinking: if he's already given me the herp, I might as well keep bonin' the perp!  Okay, just kidding... I mean, not about her wanting another piece of carnie ass, but about me empathizing in any way.  I wouldn't touch a carnie if I was wearing a Hazmat suit... for F's sake.)

So, she attached a picture, asking me if I would post it on my blog, in hopes that one of my readers will recognize this poor jack and send along some leads.  I considered getting defensive and telling her that my readers aren't the type to fraternize with carnival trash, BUT, I realize that a) Burning herself is a reader... and I think we all know by now that she's into all kinds of "fraternizing" with carnies, and b) those of my readers that aren't as disgusting as Burning is will probably enjoy laughing at this picture.

Burning asked that I protect her identity, so her face is blurred.  Apparently, by day Burning is a Kindergarten teacher, and she understandably doesn't want to shock her community with her wild nightlife and more importantly, admission of having an STD.  Because that's gross and no one wants that around children.

So.... have you seen this man?

Email any hot tips to missalanny@gmail.com, and I'll be sure to forward them along to my foul little friend.  We thank you, kindly.


By the way - Fist Pump Friday is cancelled.... possibly forever.  I'll tell you more about that later.  For now, I'm heading up the street to my neighborhood's Oktoberfest!   I LOVE FALL SO HARD IT HURTS!

Ask Miss Alanny!

Dear Miss Alanny,
This is really embarrassing, and I haven't told ANYONE about this.  But what the hell, I need advice ASAP, so here goes nothin'.  Several weeks ago I was out getting wasted after being dumped by my boyfriend.  I met a guy, we started talking, found we had a few things in common (you know how it goes when you're balls drunk, girl), and we hit it off.  To make a long story short, the beer flowed, sparks flew, and I ended up back at his trailer.  The place was disgusting, but the sex was hot, I've gotta say.  Anyways, when I woke up the next day, he wasn't home, so I felt dirty and left.  I probably wouldn't have called him anyways, because I'm pretty sure he's a complete douche, but whatever, it felt like the right move that night!  We've all been down that road.  So, the whole thing was forgotten, up until last week, when I realized he had left me with more than just a blurry memory of some dirty sex in an even-dirtier camper.  So now I have some gross sores that are going to pop up randomly the rest of my life and remind me of that fucking asshole.  Miss Alanny, I know I need to find this bastard and probably kill him, but I don't know anything about him except his first name!  Do you have any ideas how I should go about tracking this guy down?  And I'm up for any ideas on creative ways to murder him!
-Burning with Hatred (and whenever I pee)

Okay...
First of all - I love your name.  It makes me feel like you have a sense of humor, and maybe will take it lightly when I go on to point out how super, DUPER filthy disgusting you are.  I'm not going to call you a slut, because that much is obvious, and who cares if you're a slut, anyways?  Not me.  I do care, however, that you are giving freebies to guys whom you are "pretty sure" are "complete douches."  Uhhhh... Burning?  Don't put your parts on d-bags.  Also, don't admit to hitting it off with them, regardless of how much "the beer flowed."  It's just not a good way to represent yourself.  Not that you have any hope of doing that well, anyways.

So, you're asking if I have any tips about how to track down this disease ridden man whore... Well, you were at his house, right?  So you know where he lives!  Oh wait - you said camper.  I'm guessing this trailer had wheels, and that papa is a rolling stone.  If this dude has taken his sweet ass on down the road, then I'm thinking you've missed your opportunity to track and murder him.  Oh my goodness... I've just realized that this guy is probably a carnie!  CARNIE!  Your county fair was in town a few weeks ago?  Am I right, or am I F-ing RIGHT???

Follow that traveling circus, girlfriend! Figure out where the tents are pitched this week, and take your burning London Bridge to town.  I know you said you don't know his last name, but I'm positive that you remember his first name, because you probably stared at it on his "Poor Jack Amusements" professional carnie attire while you were dry humping behind the Gravitron.  You'll find him...just start asking around at the carnie game booths.  I'm sure every female running a balloon popper will know him by his first name... only.  Just like your filthy ass!  Team up with these hos - in fact, you should probably share some news with them, just in case they haven't experienced the gruesome breakouts that you have... yet.  Anyways - join forces and conquer.  I have twenty tickets for carnie rides that say you'll find him before you reach the 4-H barns.  Well, unless he's back there nailing a corndog saleswoman up against a horse.  Ok, I have twenty ride tickets that say you'll find him either by or in the barns.  Mission accomplished, Burning!

Lastly, if your herped out ass insinuates that I've "been there" and "know how it goes" ever again, I will hunt you down and choke you with your own kitchen weave.  Trust this.  And, I'm keeping my creative murdering "ways" to myself.

Thanks for sending in your question, Burning... even if it made me vom a bit in my mouth.

Yours Through the Flare-Ups,
Miss Alanny

P.S. - Before you put all your energy into finding this guy at the fair four counties over, you should probably go to a doctor... who knows, maybe it's not even an STD.  Maybe you just need to keep your motor a little more clean?  I'll cross my fingers for you, you fast machine!

Send your Ask Miss Alanny questions to missalanny@gmail.com.  Maybe it's legit, maybe it's not... I'm not going to question you.  I don't give a crap if you're writing me about your life, your friend's life, or the life you have in your head... if you want to hear what I have to say about a scenario, just f-ing ask, already!  I'm sick of begging you people!  If you want this plant to grow, you've got to give it some water, people.  Or sunshine... or oxygen.  Photosynthesis, ya'll.

Bonus Blog: I'm Bored

I am sitting on my couch, patiently awaiting the new episode of Tosh tonight, as he will be doing a "Web Redemption" with the Double Rainbow Guy, and I'm really excited to find out if it was peyote or if he's just... a special guy.  So, I'm just chillin'... freakin' Teen Mom on in the background... I'm trying not to watch, because I feel like I might literally throw up if I watch Gary and Amber scream at each other in front of that child and, of course, break up, one more time in my life.  I can't help but look whenever Maci's BD Ryan is on, though... ANYWAYS - I feel that since, in this very moment, it has come to my attention that I apparently do have some time to waste, I should share with you a suggestion I recently got from a reader.  It follows:

I think you should begin reading all the Twilight books, as you have time, and designate a day each week where you write a "Twilight Saga Update" or some other funny title, that has your thoughts/opinions as you're reading the series.  People would read that crap since almost everyone's read the books and everyone knows how much you hate the idea of Twilight, so people would be eager to see what your latest take is on the books.  I know you're thinking, "I don't have time to read that shit!" but they are obviously a very easy read, and my ADD and kind of busy ass read all four books in less than a month.  I say, DO IT.  People will be excited.  Me included.

So, what do you think?   Should I really consider spending free time that I could be spending sleeping, or semi-watching reality tv while also semi-watching videos on YouTube while also writing a love letter to you people, reading the Twilight series? I do already have the first book (which I did NOT buy), so I could try it and see how it goes.  Let me know what you think, please.

As a special treat for you lovelies, I thought I would fill some space here by giving you a peak into my infamous daily email conversations with Abbis Cadabbis.  I think you should know by now that Abbis and I email each other all day, every day, from our respective desks.  You have probably also figured out that Abbis and I don't agree on much other than our undeniable attachment to each other.  Now, many days, Abbis and I have deep, meaningful conversations in which we discuss personal matters that I would never share.  Ok, just kidding... that happens like once or twice a year, tops.  Usually, it's crap like this:

Key:  A1 = Abbis; A2 = Me

A1: You have any plans for the evening?

A2: No plans at all, other than my top ten list.  I'm doing Top Ten Things I Don't Get.

A1: That should be a good one. Do I get a preview of a couple of the things you don't get?

A2: shark week.  katy perry.  rappers drinking cough syrup.  the color yellow.  chelsea handler cracking herself up all the time.  jeggings.  vera bradley crap.  the nuvo-ring.  i'm still brainstorming for the remaining ones.

A1: What don't you get about the color yellow?

A2: how it is supposed to be cheerful and make people happy, but it always looks dirty to me.  like smoker teeth.

A1: OK. That makes sense.

A2: do you have any suggestions for other ones, or anything constructive to say at all... ever?

A1: Very funny.  Everything I say is constructive.

A2: "What do you have against yellow?"  not constructive, defensive
"ok, that makes sense" not constructive, pointless

A1: That is not what I said.  I said "What don't you get about the color yellow?", not defensive.  Do you think that maybe you're just a defensive person?  Something I don't get.....When people tell you that you said something that you didn't say like you should just believe that you said that when you know that you didn't.  Especially when it's in writing and you can easily scroll down and prove that that is not what you said.  

A2: I don't get when people wear khakis

A1: I don't get when people start blog sites and want someone else to think up all their blogs.

A2: oh you're so right.  i do so little of the work myself.

A1: Oh, I'm just kidding.
Did Chrissy like your new place?

A2: she said she did.  but she could just be a dirty liar.

A1: She probably wasn't lying.  I'm so freakin bored here today I truly can't even think of anything interesting to talk about.

The End.

If you have any suggestions for my blog, please send them along to missalanny@gmail.com.  My sincere thanks to my buddies who are sending me ideas... and also to Abbis for being such a stick in the mud, every day of our lives.  

Tuesday Top Ten!

Top Ten Things I Just Do Not Get:

1.  The National Uproar over "Shark Week."  I'm sorry, but I have a hard time believing that all of the people who publicly outcry for the supposed awesomeness of "Shark Week" are not doing so just to sound as though they are secretly some sort of sadistic marine biologists.  It doesn't make you seem cooler when you make a big deal out of a week of shark-related programming on the tv.  It does make you seem like a phony d-bag.

2.  Katy Perry.  America's acceptance of this girl as a) a musician, b) an attractive person, and c) a noteworthy celebrity are each and all beyond my grasp.  There may be plenty of celebrities that I don't "get," but this one, as my friend Bethie says, "baffles the living crap out of me."

3.  Vera Bradley crap.  Seriously - is someone playing a trick on me?  I got a text once that said, "Do you like Vera Bradley?" and I threw my phone at the wall.  The idea that someone has pictured me carrying a purse made out of a quilt makes me so angry.  The fact that so many people not only agree to carry these Holly Hobby fashion disasters, but also pay damn-near-Coach prices to do so, is just... well, it has to be some sort of trickery, don't you think?

4.  Jeggings.  First of all, the very "word" makes me want to die... "jeggings"???  Ugh.  Secondly, this is just asking people to leave their houses without wearing pants.  Not good.  Especially since the apparent mindset behind purchasing these jeans/leggings is, "you know... skinny pants just aren't unflattering enough for me, personally.  I need something to show off all of my lumps... do you have anything that looks like the tightest skinny jeans ever, but is made out of a fabric that is less forgiving than denim and will sufficiently highlight my camel toe?  O. M.  G.  Hold the fucking phone!!!  You mean I can wear tights as pants and not even think of an explanation as to why I forgot my skirt??  Tights that look like jeans!  I can die happy... oh, jeggings, I love you!"  And... scene.

5.  Chelsea Handler.  I'm not saying she isn't funny, but I don't think anyone thinks she's as funny as she does.  I have never seen a comedian laugh at her own jokes to the point that she botches her punchlines in fits of her own giggles.  How did she get a show?  I don't get it.  I mean, she isn't that good looking, is she?  Also, I just don't get her platform.  She has written three memoirs about being a drunken hobag, yet is so insulting of female celebrities who are off the wagon and/or sort of hobaggish.  Either you celebrate the behavior, or you find it disgusting, Chelsea - pick one, because otherwise, I just don't get you.  I read one of your books... you are filthy... so, why does it put you in such a rage when Kate Hudson has a new boyfriend?  And, really, Kate Hudson?  Why do you hate on her sluttery so much?  I didn't even think she was a dirty girl until I saw you screech about it like three times in one week on your show.  She seems like a strange target to me.  Oh, and most importantly - what is with the obsession with midgets?  Hasn't some coalition of little people threatened the E! network by now?  Seriously... how many times per show does this bitch call at least one person a "nugget?"

6.  Rappers drinking cough syrup.  Okay, I get why they are doing it - to get f'ed up, obviously.  However, I don't get why cough medicine is the drug of choice.  If I was rich and wanted a buzz, I wouldn't drink whatever is in the medicine cabinet like some loser on Intervention who just needs a fix.  What is wrong with actual booze, or even just taking a handful of perc?  Well, that's a question with endless answers, but my point is that I just don't get why all of these rappers are getting pulled over while stoned on Robitussin when they have access to fine spirits, street drugs and prescription meds that you don't have to taste.

7.   The color yellow.  I've never understood its appeal as a "cheerful" color that is guaranteed to lift your mood.  It's the worst color, in my opinion, by far.  It just looks dirty to me... like your mom's teeth.

 

8.  The Real Housewives shows.  I get why people watch them, but I don't understand the concept behind a series of shows, called "Real Housewives," that features so few housewives.  Most of the women on these shows are not married, and most of the married women on these shows are not housewives.  I just don't get the point of this show.... but, again, I get why they are popular.   I'm just as guilty as anyone for watching anything Bravo tells me to watch.

9.  The Nuva-Ring.  Uhhhh... from what I hear, this thing just falls out all the time... especially during business time.  Speaking of the Real Housewives, I was watching the one from Atlanta once, and one of those "wives" was talking about how she is always finding her Nuva-Ring on the floor.  If there is one thing you use that you might want to be dependable above all others, it just might be your BC.  I don't get why people rely on this Nuva-Ring.  In fact, I know someone who got pregnant while using it, but still uses it for BC.  Does it come with a remote control for starting a little anytime-of-day-party-in-your-pants or something that I haven't heard about?

10.  Twilight.  I don't even want to talk about it.

Crush of the Week!

Hello, again, hello.

I'm going to let the cat out of the bag early tonight.  My Crush of the Week, for the week of September 6, 2010, is Ryan Adams.  If you know me, you knew this was coming.  Well, maybe not.... those of you who know me best are probably wondering when Mr. Timberlake is going to make an appearance already, but that is just because you people are living in the past, in a time when I talked incessantly about Justin in order to distract myself from the real world and other people from the concept of me as a real person, however subconsciously that all may have been.  Heavy.  Let's just say, if you live with me, or have in the last four or so years, you knew this was coming...

I'm not one of those people who gives a hot shit what kind of music someone likes.  I mean, if we like the same music - great, we can go to concerts together, and sing in the car together, and enjoy whatever else might co-inky-dinkily arise due to our mutual taste.  But, if we don't, I certainly will not fault you for it.  Sure, if you are really into some really cheeseball band (speaking of cheeseballs, how nice was it of me to post twice today?!?), I may question your intelligence, but that's only if you are seriously, really into this band.  Like, for example, if you're telling me how much the ridiculous lyrics of some band like the All American Rejects speak to you, then I might never trust your opinion of anything that involves words, or feelings, or basically any of your personal thoughts or judgements.  What I'm really saying, though, is that I won't think less of you as a person just because you listen to the All American Rejects.  One big reason I do not care is because I, myself, have no room to speak to anyone's tastes; I listen to music that makes me happy, and I have little concern for the relevance or the reverence of the musicians.  Due to my preference for pop music over the "indie," screaming bullshit with which everyone I met in college tried so hard to align themselves, I often felt like I needed to hide this, but... I like to sing along, guys.... verse, chorus, verse... in a catchy tune... that's what music is to me.  I just want to sing and dance in my room like Elizabeth Shue in The Adventures in Babysitting... and I do, like, nearly everyday.

 

That being said, there is one artist that I will openly say "speaks to me," even though saying things like like that is a behavior that I do not tolerate in myself or others.  But, it's true.  Ryan Adams writes great lyrics, and is a really great musician, and his music is the soundtrack for all of my bad mood drives, surly showers, and shut-in weekends.  And sometimes, when listening to a song like, "Touch, Feel and Lose" or "Everybody Knows" or "Come Pick Me Up" or even his cover of "Wonderwall"... I have a moment.

Easy, Tiger :)

Lately, I've been spending a lot of my time in my room, always trying to get rid of more stuff - CD's, clothes, whatever is cluttering my space, and also going through boxes of stuff that I've been storing in various places of mine and my family's over the last several years.  It's hard to explain briefly, but basically, all of my stuff has been here, there and everywhere, without my full knowledge of what I've even been accumulating, for the last several years.  Then, two things happened in the last year-ish of time:  my mom sent a bunch of it to my former residence in a U-Haul, and then, upon her decision to move to Florida, every last bit of what I had at her house as well as all kinds of crap of hers that she decided I should have, were also put in/back in my possession.  I'm not going to lie - at one point, I was living very similarly to the way the people you see on Hoarders and Clean House are living.  But, this was at my old house, and upon my decision to move, I knew I wasn't bringing all of the boxes and "memories" with me to my new place.  Very seriously, I hope to one day have my living space so concisely organized that I could uproot in a moment's notice. 

Okay, so I've gotten off track, but my point is just around the corner.  Even before I found the apartment, I was spending every weekend pitching old stuff to which I no longer understood my attachment, and packing up and taking carloads of stuff to Goodwill.  I made serious progress, and even eventually just piled stuff I was junking into my garage and paying someone to come dispose of it.  I should mention that it gets easier to part with things after your basement floods and much of these "mementos" are now just clumps of mold.  I'm very happy with my efforts, as I am now down to six boxes of storage in my basement, having gone down from the nine that I brought with me.  It wasn't easy, though... physically, so much cleaning up clutter, unpacking, re-packing and carrying boxes and stuff was difficult, sure, but mentally, both looking at some of the stuff and letting go of some of the stuff, wasn't always as easy as it seems it should be when you are watching some disgusting slob refuse to do it on television.  But, through all of the work, Ryan Adams was there to say, "Chin Up, Cheer Up." 

This is basically how my old dining room looked.

If you're familiar with Ryan Adams, then you know that he has enough music to provide a soundtrack for endless hours of housework.  When I collected CD's, I was somewhat overwhelmed by the amount of music he releases (now that he's married to Mandy Moore and apparently spending all of his creative time writing music for her, he no longer releases 2-3 albums a year... or any albums in like two years), but my extensive Ryan Adams playlist has certainly been welcome in my life this year.   When I'm in a grumpy place and in the mood to get really distracted with work, I like to put on something like "Halloweenhead" and pretend I'm not just bummed out, I'm also trying to escape the drug craving demons in my brain!  When I'm feeling like I might start crying because I'm digging through a box of pictures and stuff I saved from college because I intended to make an incredibly detailed scrapbook that never saw much light due to my, you know, incredible level of depression after what was basically a terrible college experience and lack of motivation to put together a book that celebrated it all... and I'm getting seriously disturbed by looking at pictures of myself from a time when I had such low self-esteem that I barely functioned, yet look so young and just... at least ten times better than I do now... and I'm so furious with myself for not figuring out how to be happy then, because I can't go back and be 18-22 ever again.... uh, then I listen to something like "I See Monsters."  Or, anything from Love Is Hell.

Other than yesterday when Chrissy came in and we went out to watch the Labor Day fireworks, I basically shut myself in my apartment all weekend and forced myself to clean out two boxes that I had been putting off both opening and taking to the basement.  I knew I had to do one or the other, because I got a sweet desk at Goodwill for fifteen bucks, and I needed to put it in the space in my room that these boxes were occupying.  I know it sounds like way less than a weekend of work to clean out two boxes, but I am very easily distracted, especially when the task is any sort of cleaning.  I knew it would be a steady rotation of 30 minutes with the box/45 minutes looking through something I found/2 hour nap/get on facebook for longer than necessary/see what's on tv/nothing's on tv so I guess I'll pull something else out of the box/30 minutes with the box....and so on.  By the way - when I say "box," I'm talking about those 18-gallon plastic tub things.  I learned my lesson with basements and flooding, so when I packed my house up, whatever was coming with me that wouldn't be immediately unpacked due to necessity was coming in one of those and not a cardboard, mold-factory box.

So, anyways, one of the boxes was full of framed photos that were actually from my mom's basement... and I had cracked into this one a few weeks ago, when I was looking for that bathroom stall picture of me and my friends from high school, but I hadn't officially cleaned out the box.  To be honest - although I have pulled them all out, I have no idea if they are just going back into the bin and to the basement, or what.  It feels so strange to dispose of pictures, for some reason.  That reminds me of when those missionaries with the little Bibles hand you one, and you know you don't want it... I mean, if you want a Bible, you probably have a full sized one at home... but you can't just toss it... well, maybe you can, but I guess I feel like it's weird to put a Bible in the garbage... hang ups, what can I say?... but then every time you're packing to move, you find like four of them, and you're like, "what do I do with these?" and if you're like me, you leave them there, for the next person, but you for sure take your full sized Bible, because maybe it will protect you from whatever fate you've earned by littering with tiny Bibles.

Alright, so the second box... it was my notorious, full to the brim, "scrapbook box," which is made of the highest grade plastic Rubbermaid offers, which I have not opened or added to for six years, and that I've taken with me to every place I've resided and stored in my bedroom, never basement, because I have been so ridiculously protective of this box and it's contents, while also not allowing myself or others to peruse what is held within.  It took me two entire days to get through this box.  I needed you, Mr. Ryan Adams, and you were there for me.

I think this is from the same tour that my friend Staceface and I went to see in Louisville.  I think... not sure.

I actually did pretty well this weekend, in all honesty.  I didn't cry once, and I didn't stop being productive because I was so stifled from self-hate, either.  Some days I'm made about the time I've wasted, and some days I'm happy about the perspective I've gained.  I should probably tell you guys that when I said that I haven't opened "the box" in six years, I actually mean that about three weeks ago was when I opened the box for the first time in six years.  I didn't get through much of it, but I got through enough to put me into a serious downer of a mood for like... well, about three weeks.  So, yeah... it was better this time, and I'm feeling even better now that it's over!  It was fun to laugh at myself for thinking I'll ever need things like yard signs from the 2004 Election (and like 8 of them.... seriously)... and also, I dug through enough to actually stir up memories from college that were positive, of all things.*  I think Ryan Adams would call this Magick.

So, Ryan Adams, thanks for the help in cleaning up all of my Cold Roses this year.  I really appreciate it.  I can tell from that picture above that you are pretty content with the work you've done here.  I think you're saying "you're welcome," but not necessarily sarcastically, which is how I usually say it... before being thanked... but, I take back the part where I said I mean that sarcastically... I mean it sincerely, but I also feel the need to emphasize the part where you forgot to thank me in the first place.  But, I totes just thanked Ryan Adams, so he was just being real when he said it... in the conversation that takes place in this picture and in my head.  :)

For those of you who are a little bit concerned that my Crush of the Week feature will now include weird stories about my emotional instability and such, I am telling you to fear not.  Every once in awhile I just have things to say that I don't know where else to put, and also that have inspired or are somehow connected to something I would be writing about under one of these predetermined topics, anyways, and well... it's my blog so I can get serious sometimes if I want!  My apologies if you found yourself digging around  in here for the funny parts, but, you probably gave up somewhere North of this, so to whom am I even speaking?  Lightweights!

Goodnight, Rose.

*This all sounds very dramatic... but I really don't have the energy to edit or further explain. I honestly don't mean it to sound that college was devastating for me... it wasn't college that was so bad, it was just that life got kinda crazy during the exact time I happened to be in college.  So, I don't look back on the time 100% fondly.  Or maybe even 50% fondly.  I just really don't want anyone I know from BG to be offended, because, I did meet some special little buddies while I was there that I will love forever, and you hos make up most of the fond percentage. :)  Okay, so much for not having energy to edit and explain... this blog entry is a mess, and if I didn't just spend an hour writing it, I would SCRAP this shit and write a Crush of the Week about the drunken hiljack who fell on some rocks in front of me on the river bank last night, and then introduced himself, and then told me I had a great name because his mom was named "Elaine."  He was really gross and old and had long hair and all, but I think he was the first guy to speak to me in like a month.  So, that's where I'm at, duders.

Bonus Blog: Happy Labor Day!

Hello!  I don't know how it is where you are, but it is a quite lovely Labor Day here in Cin City!  I'm loving the pseudo-fall weather.  It is glorious outside today, as it was last night for the fireworks.  I wasn't super impressed by the "world's biggest Labor Day fireworks display," personally... I've seen a better show in Faurot Park... but, it was still a nice night to walk up to the river and hang out on the banks with drunken billies.  Anyways - I refuse to do any labor today, so I'm slightly bored and I thought I would stop by while I had a chance in my napping and internet stalking itinerary to share something about myself.  What's the news??  I'm a domestic goddess, that's what!

So, a while back, when we first moved into my apartment, my roommate and I thought about possibly having a housewarming party this weekend.  The party didn't pan out for various reasons... in fact, my roommate wasn't even here all weekend... BUT, I had been looking forward to a Labor Day cheeseball, and I'll be damned if no one coming over was going to prevent me from making one.  My friend Chrissy ended up driving down from Lima yesterday, so I didn't have to eat it all by myself!  I have to think that driving two hours each way for cheese ball and a 30 minute fireworks display means that she's a true friend.  Although, she doesn't read my blog, and I think you all know how I feel about that... well, whatever, proclaiming her dead to me here is fruitless, as she will not read this or care, and like I just said, she's most likely a true friend. ;)

So, onto the business of this blog entry...  I am going to share with you a super easy, yet quite impressive cheeseball recipe!  I make several different kinds, but the one I made yesterday (and also the one I made for my b-day party this year), as well as the easiest one to make, is the Cincinnati Chili Cheeseball!  This one is perfect if you need to make a vegetarian cheeseball, but don't want it to taste like salad dressing (I have made one using Ranch seasoning that was just... not my fave), or if you are feeling like you need to bring some Cincy flavor to a party, or maybe if you aren't eating carbs and therefore can't eat a three-way and need something to appease your chili craving.  Regardless of your reason for opening cheeseball season, this one is super easy to make, wicked tasty to eat, and the recipe follows:

Miss Alanny's Cincinnati Chili Cheeseball:

You will need the following ingredients to make a large (party-sized) cheeseball*:

• 16 oz. (two bricks) of regular cream cheese
• 16 oz (1 cont.) of regular sour cream
• 16 oz of shredded cheddar cheese, Skyline brand if you can get it (better texture); 
• 1 packet of "Cincinnati Chili Recipe" seasoning (Gold Star Chili sells one that works well, also)
• Whatever you choose to garnish/serve with it.  You probably need to buy some crackers if you're having a party.  I like to serve my cheeseballs with cucumber slices and mini-bagels, even if I can't eat those.  

*All measurements can easily be halved to make a smaller, non-party cheeseball.  Just don't eat the entire thing yourself.  I'm serious.

Step One (we can have lots of fun):  Open cream cheese bricks and put into a bowl.  Leave bowl out on the counter for about two hours.  Test softness with a fork; if it's moving around easily when stirring with a fork, it is good to go.

Step Two (there's so much we can do):  Put approx. 1/2 of the chili seasoning packet into the container of sour cream.  Stir until the contents are uniformly mixed.  This means no white spots.  Once thoroughly mixed, pour most of the seasoned sour cream into the bowl with the softened cream cheese.   If your container holds 16 oz., you are looking to add about 14-ish to the cream cheese.  So, don't scrape the bowl dry.  Stir the sour cream and cream cheese up until everything is evenly mixed.  Again - no white spots!  I use a fork for this entire process, btw. 

Step Three (it's just you and me *falsetto implied*):   Add 1/2 of your shredded cheese to the mix, about two handfuls at a time, stirring as you add.  Using two 8 oz. bags of cheese works handily for this recipie, because you will know that you've added enough cheese here when you have used all of one bag, but sometimes it is cheaper to just buy the one bigger bag, so whatever is clever, Trevor.

Step Four (I can give you more):  Once the mix is satisfactorily uniform, you need to taste it.  If you don't think it tastes enough like chili for your liking, then add more of the seasoning directly to this mix (do NOT add more of the sour cream with the seasoning already in it...you will not be able to combat the runny-ness of a too much sour cream problem, so be quite conservative with it's use).  If you add more seasoning, you need to stir VIGOROUSLY to make sure it gets mixed in and isn't hanging around in there in clumps, just waiting to chili bomb someone's mouth.  That concern is the entire basis for mixing the seasoning into the sour cream first.  I think chili bombing the mouth of a guest would be a party foul of the highest degree.  Well, I can think of some worse things to do to a guest, honestly... like, TONS of worse things, actually... but, I think I'm losing focus and I want to finish my first recipe publication!  ANYWAYS - taste and adjust as necessary, with both the chili seasoning and the cheese.  Add more of each as you see fit and stir VERY well.  You should use at least half of the shredded cheese you have, though, just for texture purposes alone.  Just be careful - you can't take it back out once it's in there, dummy.  You can carry that rule straight to the bank ;)

Step Five (don't you know that the time has arri-i-i-i-ved):  Scrape all of the mixture from the sides of your bowl so everything is in the middle.  Spread some wax paper (if you have it... if not, aluminum foil and cellophane work, also) out onto your counter.  Dump your mixture into the middle of the paper, and using the paper and your hands, form the mixture into a ball.  If your ingredients have been out of the fridge for a very long time - like, maybe if they were a perfect texture for you to begin, but you took a really long time to go through the steps because maybe you get confused easily or have never made anything before, and now everything is just a little too loose to stay in a ball - then you might need to use the paper or foil to hold everything into that shape while you keep it in the fridge for a little while.  So, if this is the case - do that.  If your ball is holding up nicely at this point, or if you are getting your droopy ball out of the fridge now and have resumed the process, this is when you use what is left of your remaining cheese and roll the ball in it.  Again, wax paper is really best for this, but if you don't have it, I hope you have a cutting board, or a really big plate/tray, or some other surface that is spacious and that you don't mind rubbing cheese all over.  So, roll your ball until the outside is covered in the shredded cheese, and then put on a serving tray or wrap up in new paper/foil/cellophane for storing until serving.

Keep the cheeseball in your fridge until it is time to serve.  For this one, I like to dump even more cheese on top, if I have it left over, because that is how Cincinnati chili is served.  I'm a fan of presentation, but if you don't think it matters, then just put your ball on a plate, stick a knife it it, and put a box of crackers somewhere in the vicinity.  Everybody likes good balls, and it doesn't take a masterpiece to make a tasty feast.  I just made up that saying... I'm not sure if it even makes sense, but regardless, I don't even subscribe to it anyways, so whatever - it was just to make you people who can't really cook feel better when you also can't make things look presentable.  This is an example of how it tends to look when I present my balls:

Granted, this isn't one of my better trays, as I couldn't find any regular toothpicks, and only had the umbrella ones and also some kama sutra ones leftover from a bachelorette party.  But, anyways - garnish as you choose.  Like I said, I like to use cucumbers, so I always do that, but no crackers or mini-bagels for me during "back to basics," and I thankfully didn't have to put any out since there was no party involved, and Chrissy's decision to come was so last minute that I didn't have time to buy any even if I was that considerate.  I also usually use cheese cubes, especially if I'm doing the little weenies!  I got the smokies since they go well with chili and cheese (like coneys!  I'm so clever), and I'm glad I bought them, because Chrissy filps her shit for some little wieners!  I like to make my guests happy, and if my guest is into tiny wieners, I'm happy to provide those, especially if I am expecting her to eat a cheeseball without crackers. 

So, your cheeseball... um, don't leave it out for more than two hours, if you can help it.  Hopefully, you have more than one person coming over, and the damn thing will be eaten.  I've got 9/10 of a giant party sized cheeseball in my fridge right now.  I'm taking mine to work tomorrow, though.  Seriously, don't make a big one for a two-person party, like I did, unless you just have somewhere to take the leftovers.  You will either eat most of it yourself - which is a terrible idea, TRUST THIS - or you will just throw it away, which is tragic.

I hope you try out my recipe, and I also hope you tell me when you do.  It's time to go back to google where I am diligently trying to find a confirmation that Jonathan from The Spin Crowd is gay.  I will see you later tonight for Crush of the Week :)

Bonus Blog: Ask Madd Hatter!

Dear Madd Hatter,
So, where to begin...I'm going on 30, and my life is, well, just in a rut. I'm married, which is nice I suppose, but it just seems like the same old routine, day after day. A typical day for me is as follows: I get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, clean up after dinner, make my husband's lunch for the next day, set the coffee maker for the next morning, throw some laundry in if necessary, and then settle in for some TV, or what not. In other words, not very exciting. It's a sad situation when the most exciting thing that happens to me all day is watching Deadliest Catch re-runs, know what I'm saying? (Speaking of which, I have sort of a question within a question...Is it weird that I fucking love that show?) So I guess my question, Madd Hatter, is if you have any suggestions/tips for getting myself out of this funk, and spicing up my life a little. I'm ready for some excitement and pretty much up for whatever!
-Eager Beaver

Dear Eager Beaver,
Im just gonna start this out right now by sayn I LOVE Deadliest Catch too and Yes, I cried like a bitch when Capt. Phil died. All Im sayn is that shows not gonna b the same!!! So to answer ur question within a question, NO....ur totally normal to love that show! Hell I got friends who do Deadliest Catch parties for the show, so I mean......who's weird now?!!! ANYWHO.....As Im sitn here reading ur recent question, I cant help but notice u sound like an "Old Soul", as I myself am. Only difference is Im not married nor do I drink coffee. I on the other hand do work and cook and clean and do laundry like a typical HouseBitch! And Ill add my ADULT ADD, which Ive been recently upgraded to, guess 'they' think Im an adult now....sry, I tend to rant off track! But my ADD tends to MAKE me do these things or Id go insane! But on the upside, there R ways to make ur life not so boring....bcuz my God, I cant lie, I wanted to blow my head off thinkn ab bn n ur routine everyday....just sayn! As Im PUSHN 30 like urself, I find Im startn to like to do things I used to HATE my parents and grandparents dragn my ass too. Its fall time so as U know, Ohio is BEAUTIFUL this time of yr. Id suggest getn out and enjoying the weather while it lasts bcuz Im SURE snows gonna b here by Oct! I went Pumpkin pickn last yr and they had a corn maze and I felt like a damn kid! Hell, I even had more fun than the kids! Speaking of Oct......HALLOWEEN! And WHO doesnt love having the living shit scared out of them?!!! I know THIS is what my Octobers consist of.....something haunted every wknd...last yr it was Mansfield Reformatory...talk ab CREEPY! Or u can stick to the "local haunt, TB Hospital"....God that just threw me back to HS! Or b thrown back n2 ur HS days and go TP'n and egg'n good 'ol Mr and Mrs Place' house!!!! Wow....talk ab showing ur AGE!!! Im thinkn u SEEM as tho u MAY have been a former classmate of mine so if ur still n Lima, sneak over and spray the stone n front of the HS that we was NVR allowed to do. We instead spray painted the fuckn roads! Back to u old ppl, I have recently discovered I enjoy goin to festivals and theres all sorts of them this time of yr, check the net for ur local activities! OR....and I was saving this for last, U can just say FUCK IT ALL and go out drinkn and go get so sloppy shitface drunk that u shart urself!!!! Now, I wouldnt suggest getn THIS drunk but go out and enjoy a night or 2 on the town for a change. For fucks SAKE get out of ur house NOW b4 it eats u alive! I can only speak for myself when I say stayn n the routine ur n, will cost u ur friends bcuz no one wants to hangout with Granny Panties and the path ur on, ur DOOMED for them at the ripe age of 29....just sayn!

Well I hope yuns have enjoyed my SECOND advice column, I know Ive enjoyed helpn!

Madd Hatter

Thanks Again, Madd Hatter!  Miss Alanny has found herself BEGGING for questions, but I guess Madd Hatter is the advice master you people truly trust... whatever - just send your questions to missalanny@gmail.com.